


Second Verse Same As The First

by sephet



Series: The Kids Aren't Alright [3]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: (It's an OC not a main), Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sexual Assault, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-05-31 23:59:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 53,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6492955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sephet/pseuds/sephet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Felix's second year at Charon Academy, school for troubled youths, is set to be rocky. Between his and Locus' shifting relationship, an overly devoted admirer, and a change in authority things are a little more complicated than planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Welcome Home

**Author's Note:**

> Included up top, if I got the set up right, should be a pic I drew of Felix and Locus as imagined in this AU. At least how I imagine them.

 

Locus had never shown up to school with so much, but this year he had a bag full of Felix’s belongings, too. He’d signed in and brought the bags to their new room and began setting things up. It helped ease his nerves.

He had no idea what condition Felix was going to show up in. Seeing him over summer had been both wonderful and deeply, deeply troubling. The more he thought about it the more sick with nerves he became. He focused on each item he put away to try and keep himself from dwelling. The sound of a deadbolt rang in his ears.

“Sup, asshole.” Locus jumped and looked up, then nearly dropped his books when he saw Felix.

His left arm was in a cast and a sling. The bruises that were visible were faded but still clear. At least this time neither of his eyes had been swollen shut. But his _arm_. Locus has to fight to breathe.

“ _Felix_.” Locus set his books aside and walked over to him.

“Don’t… I mean do if you’re gonna kiss me that’s cool.” Felix grinned and reached out with his good arm to pull Locus over to him. “I missed that.”

Locus did kiss him, slow and hungry for the touch. His fingers traced Felix’s body gently, trying to remind himself this was real. Trying to settle this with all of his fears for what this moment would be like.

“You smell like that shit I gave you. You smell good.” Felix laughed and Locus had to kiss him again. Somehow he’d worried he’d never hear that sound again. Somehow he’d convinced himself this moment would never come.

“I guess you have good taste.” Locus murmured against Felix’s lips and cupped his face in his hands. “I missed you.”

“Made it to September. That’s good to see.” Felix turned his head and kissed Locus’ hand then moved to walk properly into the room. “Have more wild adventures? Or did you just sleep most of the last three weeks away?”

Felix was grinning, but Locus was still having trouble getting over his arm. Over the bruises. Over the memory of the fear in his eyes.

“Somehow my life is so much quieter when you aren’t there.” Locus reached out and helped Felix untangle from his messenger bag and lay it on his bed.

“I read a lot. You picked some good books. I appreciate that you understand my taste in gory garbage.” Felix laughed and sat on his bed beside his bag. “That was great. No food was found or confiscated so look at me sittin’ pretty at whatever sort of healthy body weight I’ve got now.”

Locus was still pretty sure Felix could stand to put on some more weight, but he was looking even more healthy than he had looked a month ago. Except… “Felix, your arm…”

“These just take forever to heal it’s not that big a thing, don’t worry.” Felix waved his good hand absently.

“She broke your arm.” Locus sighed and took Felix’s right hand in his. “I shouldn’t have--”

“Oh _don’t_.” Felix sighed heavily. “This isn’t about you, Locus. It’s my arm. Like basically everyone breaks their arm. Unless you’re gonna do something _fun_ stupid like sign my cast, just let it go.”

Locus sighed and kissed Felix’s fingers. “All right.”

“I might need your help with the ties, though. Like with our uniforms? Those are fucking tricky with one hand.” Felix laughed and kicked Locus’ leg lightly.

“Ties I can do.” Locus sighed and kissed Felix’s forehead lightly.

“Kinky.” Felix teased and Locus kicked him gently in the leg.

\---

Felix had roughly a month until he had full use of both of his arms back. Which might not have been as big of a deal if the only reason people had left him alone for half of the last year hadn’t been because he had proved to be a threat. He was not so much of a threat in a cast.

And he had enemies.

At least some of them had graduated, but that didn’t mean he could let his guard down. He moved in groups if he could. Locus was obviously the prefered option to hang out with, even if he was generally non-violent he was intimidating, and just generally Felix’s prefered person. Kaylee was a good second, she had a rule of fear in most groups. One day Felix really wanted to learn what Kaylee knew about knives, he figured it would be an interesting stand off.

Even if she asked probing questions he didn’t know the answers to. Or like to think about answers to.

“How’d you break it?”

“Picked a fight with the wrong person.” Felix answered offhandedly, digging through his bag to make sure he had what he needed for his next class.

“Keeping busy over the summer, then.” She snorted and raised an eyebrow.

Felix grinned and gave a half hearted shrug. “It’s what I do. I have a natural talent for pissing people off.”

“That’s true enough.” Kaylee shook her head and straightened her skirt. “You never did learn to shut your mouth, did you?”

“Eh if I’m gonna get my ass kicked I’m gonna earn it. I’d have enemies here even if I was just the most earnest, wide eyed innocent in the whole damn school.” Felix stuck out his tongue.

“Here? Have you actually met any wide eyed innocents _here_?” Kaylee shook her head. “You’d make _more_ enemies that way. Innocence gets kicked out in junior high.”

“Oh good, so I didn’t make a mistake going for the shithead route.” Felix snickered as they maneuvered down the halls.

“I wasn’t aware you came in other modes.” Kaylee raised an eyebrow. “I have a really hard time imagining you as a wide eyed innocent.”

“Yeah me too. I pulled it off when I was little?”

“That’s because people forget children are actually evil.” Kaylee snorted. “Being a child makes innocence seem easier to fake.”

“Yeah I guess.” Felix made a face and scratched over his cast.

“You and Locus figure out what you are yet?”

“What?” Felix scowled at her.

“Like… I said before you were like goddamn newly weds before, but now you’re basically attached at the mouth.” Kaylee said dryly. “So are you actually a thing now, or are you keeping up that weird… whatever.”

“We are still whatever.” Felix blew a sigh and shrugged. “Life’s easier as whatever.”

“But he’s still more than your other fuckbuddies.”

“Well _sure_ , obviously. He’s Locus. It’s different.” Felix made a face as he searched for the words. “I dunno. It’s not a _thing_ it’s just…”

“A thing?” Kaylee snorted. “You’re both idiots.”

“...yeah we kinda are…” Felix sighed with defeat. “I can’t really argue that. It’s just easier this way.”

“Until it isn’t.”

\---

“Felix.”

Felix groaned and shifted in his bunk. “What?”

“How long have you been here?” Locus scowled and looked around the room.

“What time is it?” Felix mumbled and pushed his blanket down with a yawn.

“Five.” Locus turned on the lights proper, and stepped into the room.

“Ugh. I guess like an hour? Hour and a half maybe?” Felix rubbed his eyes and looked up. Then froze. “What the fuck?”

“Did you bother to turn the lights on when you got back?” Locus asked dryly as he investigated the bouquet of red and orange marbled roses on Felix’s desk. It wasn’t a casual twelve, the bouquet took up most of Felix’s desk.

“No… I just wanted a nap. God damn it. I thought this was over with.” Felix sighed and rolled out of bed. Locus pretended not to notice how awkward it was for Felix to get up one armed. “The last fucking note implied finding me over the summer and that didn’t fucking happen. I thought they gave up.”

Locus picked up the flowers delicately and found a card under them. “Apparently not. Apparently they just didn’t succeed in finding you.”

“Probably underestimated how many Laus there are in the city.” Felix shrugged. “My last name’s not exactly uncommon.”

Locus nodded, Felix rarely brought up his birth name, but if someone was this dedicated to looking into Felix’s life it wouldn’t be hard to find out.

“Uuugghhh…” Felix picked up the card and started trying to open the envelope, Locus eventually reached over to tear it open for him. “I hate this. Why. What did I do to deserve this?”

“... Do you want an actual answer to that question?” Locus replied dryly and Felix kicked him.

“Shut up.” Felix sighed heavily and flipped open the card. “Our distance has burned, cutting me open and leaving me bare, my longing has kept me sustained, the sight of you again has brought me to life like a summer rain.”

“I… I think they’re getting worse at that.” Locus frowned and took the offered card to read it himself.

“I really hope these were here and I just didn’t notice them.” Felix frowned and looked over the flowers. “I don’t like the idea of him sneaking in while I was asleep.”

“I don’t like that either.” Locus scowled as he reread the note. “We should, perhaps, find a way to lock the door.”

Felix groaned dramatically and collapsed back onto the bed and stared at his flowers. “That would be so bullshit. I don’t wanna deal with the school about this. So far they’re just notes and shit. I can take him.”

“Like you are now? You’re at something of a disadvantage.” Locus pointed out, Felix threw his flowers at him.

“Fuck off I don’t wanna get the school involved. That would just make this worse, gross.” Felix scrubbed his hand over his face. “I still have my good hand. I could still take them. I’m not worried, just pissed off.”

Locus sighed and picked up the flowers. “Should I just throw this all out, then?”

“Yes. It’s all fucking trash. Ugh. Maybe we _should_ set up traps or something. Like leave a camera running.” Felix huffed and pulled a pillow over his face. “This is so frustrating. I’m going to punch him in the throat this is so fucking bullshit.”

Locus scowled as he dropped the card and the flowers into the trash can. He had hoped this had gone away, too. That it hadn’t, and that Felix was vulnerable made him nervous. He was going to have to see if Kaylee would keep an eye out or something.

\---

“Felix you’re bein’ an idiot.” Abbey scowled at Felix as he rolled his eyes and picked at his lunch.

“I am not. What the fuck would going to the faculty actually help?” Felix speared a grape tomato on his form and wrinkled his nose. “They barely care enough to teach us, you think they’d actually do something to police us?”

“I think tryin’ somethin’d be a better idea than sittin’ around waitin’ for the Phantom of the Opera to show up in the middle of the night.” Abbey made a face.

“She has a point.” Anthony yawned. “Just leaving it hasn’t gotten you anywhere but frustrated. And Principal Duncan retired. Maybe new management’ll mean someone who gives a fuck?”

“Ugh.” Felix made a disgusted noise and leaned back in the chair. “You’re all taking this too seriously. He writes bad poetry and gives stuffed animals and roses. He’s probably some skinny hipster who doesn’t get romance. It’s not that big a deal. It’s just _annoying_.”

“I still think it’s a little reckless to ignore it.” Locus put in.

Felix threw his fork on the table and rolled his eyes. “I think it’s a fucking stupid asshole who learned romance from bad movies. The only really creepy thing is that it’s gone on this long. But that just proves he’s too much of a coward to face me, so it doesn’t _matter_.”

“Fine.” Kaylee rolled her eyes right back at him and picked at her fries. “You deal with it, then. Actually do something about it, instead of just complaining all the time.”

“Like what, leave a sign?” Felix asked dryly.

“You probably could? I mean they’re goin’ into your room all the time, they’d probably see it if you put somethin’ up.” Abbey shrugged. “I mean it wouldn’t hurt.”

“Fine I’ll leave them a note to fuck off.” Felix shook his head. “God this is such a pain in the ass.”

\---

“Hey, um. I was hoping we could talk?” Felix looked up from his textbook with a scowl as Ross of all people decided to approach him.

He remembered, belatedly, that he was going to kick the shit out of him last year but had missed his chance. He regretted that now, as it probably would have stopped the shit stain from coming up to him in the library like they were on speaking terms or something.

“And why would I want to do something like that?” Felix glared at Ross and then turned his attention back to his math homework.

“Look I… I know I screwed up last year. I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Ross _looked_ guilty. But then Ross always looked kind of like a mopey kicked puppy.

“That’s nice.” Felix spared him a short glance, then started writing in his notebook.

“Seriously! I. I wanted attention. I shouldn’t have said what I did--”

“You started a rumour that I was a prostitute. A rumour that a lot of people chose to believe.” Felix set his pen down as he realised Ross was _not_ going to leave if he ignored him. “A rumour that caused me _quite_ a bit of trouble. So yeah, I’m pretty inclined to agree, you shouldn’t have said what you did.”

Ross winced a little and looked away. “I was mad. You said that you were… I get that you were fucking with me, now. But then I just. I was mad and I made a mistake. I’m sorry.”

“That’s cool. Have fun with that, then.” Felix sighed heavily and tried to wave him off.

“Look I just wanted. Wanted you to talk to me again. You were a really good friend, Felix. I’m really sorry. I wish. I wish we could be friends again. I know I was out of line, but--”

“What the _fuck_?” Felix pushed himself out of his chair and rounded on Ross. “Friends? Seriously? What the fuck kind of bullshit fantasy world do you live in? You insult me, insult people I like, insult how I live my life, then talk shit about me behind my back. You start a fucking movement of assholes giving me trouble. _Months_ of bullshit. Because what, you thought telling everyone I’d blow them for 10 bucks would get me to _like_ you? _Fuck_ you.”

Ross looked caught off guard. He stammered for a moment. “I-I know I fucked up. I’m. I want to apologise--”

“You _said_ that part. Now get to the part where I’m supposed to _give a fuck_.” Felix gestured aggressively with his good hand. “You think I care you’re sorry? I don’t give a fuck what you feel. I don’t give a single solitary _fuck_ about you. Why the fuck should I?”

“W-we used to get along really well. I-I miss talking with you, Felix. I miss you. Please, I’m _sorry_. Why can’t you just forgive me? I want to be your friend again.” Ross’ face was going blotchy again. He seemed pathetic but Felix could hear the anger in his voice too.

“You still haven’t answered my question. Why should I give a fuck? I don’t care about you enough to forgive you. I forgot you fucking existed. Why should I try anything for you after all your bullshit temper tantrums and pissing around? You’re just some useless brat.” Felix reached out and pushed Ross back at the chest. “I’m not your friend. I’m not _going_ to be your friend. So _fuck off_.”

“I’m really _trying_ \--”

“Fucking good for you. Try somewhere else. I got all the friends I need. I don’t need you and your bullshit.” Felix growled, how the fuck more would it take for him to get the picture. He didn’t need to get banned from the library for fucking punching someone out.

“Felix. _Please_. I just. I just--”

“I just don’t care.” Felix shoved Ross again. Ross was starting to look less ashamed and more pissed. This was obviously not how he planned this conversation going. “Leave me alone.”

“Why can’t you just accept me? I’m trying!” Ross’ hand shot out, maybe to grab him, but Felix didn’t give him the chance. He dodged and punched Ross in the stomach, just like the last time they had spoken.

“I don’t give a fuck. Get with the fucking picture, asshole. I. Don’t. Care. I don’t care about you, I don’t care about your feelings, I don’t care that you’re sorry. I want you to _leave me alone_. Fuck with me again and I’ll put you in the fucking ground.” Felix snapped and turned to fold his books together, he was clearly done with the library for now.

He would have been content to continue ignoring Ross but he made a strangled noise a lot closer than Felix figured he would be, so he looked back.

Locus had him. Felix had forgotten he was going to meet him while in the heat anger. Locus was becoming very protective, due to Felix’s arm. Sometimes Felix felt like a toddler being constantly hovered over.

Today it turned out to be useful, because while Felix had figured Ross to be taken care of, it seemed the little pus sack had gained some pain tolerance over the summer and had gotten back up. Locus was holding him by the arm almost effortlessly as the skinny little shit struggled to get free, or punch Locus, or both.

“Man a sucker punch?” Felix was just disappointed.

“You generally know better than to turn your back on someone you just punched.” Locus pointed out dryly. “You’ve gotten sloppy.”

“Last time I punched him in the gut he lay on the floor complaining for five minutes.” Felix rolled his eyes, then watched Ross struggle for a moment. “Man whatever let him go, he’s beat.”

Locus scowled at Ross, who returned the look with spite. “Fine.”

He dropped Ross who stumbled a little and pointed a venomous glare at Locus. “ _Fuck you_.” He hissed before storming off, possibly to nurse his very, very broken pride.

“Seriously, that was sloppy.” Locus crossed his arms as Felix finished putting his books together.

“He wouldn’t have gotten far. Even with a sucker punch. He’s got the muscle mass of a ten year-old with a serious health condition.” Felix shook his head and packed his books into his bag. “Thanks though. Glad to know you got my back.”

“You were lucky.” Locus sighed and picked up Felix’s bag.

“You don’t need to carry my things, Locus. Goddamn.” Felix reached but Locus stepped back.

“I feel like it. And it seems you need your arm free to fend off aggressive admirers.”

“What can I say, I’m hot shit. Everybody wants me.” Felix rolled his eyes, but let Locus lead the way out.

\---

“You are fucking trash. You don’t deserve to see him smile. You’re worthless to him.”

Locus sighed as he found the note tucked into one of his text books. _His_ first note of the year. He wasn’t looking forward to these either.

It shouldn’t have hit so close to home, it shouldn’t matter.

But Locus could still hear the click of a deadbolt in his mind. And sometimes he couldn’t help but agree with the note.


	2. Dealing With It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix does something reckless

It was one week until the cast came off and Felix was almost at the end of his rope. It didn’t hurt anymore. Just itched. It itched _all the time_. Felix was about ready to chew his goddamn arm off just to stop dealing with the itching.

“Scratching the cast doesn’t do anything but make a very grating noise.” Locus pointed out from his seat at his desk.

“It makes me feel better. It’s almost like I’m accomplishing something.” Felix growled and resisted the urge to start slamming his hand against the wall.

“You said the doctor will take it off in a week. I think you can make it.” Locus sighed. “If you don’t end up biting through it in that time.”

“It’s _itchy_ ” Felix whined, finally giving up and sprawling on his bed. “This sucks.”

“I’m sorry.”

Felix narrowed his eyes at Locus, watching him turn back to his homework with a defeated sort of slump to his shoulders. Felix threw his pillow at him.

“ _What_?” Locus squawked and turned on Felix with a scowl.

“Fucking _stop_. You’ve been so fucking…” Felix gestured absently. “Stop treating me different. It’s fucking… freaking me out. It’s fucking weird.” 

“I’m not- I don’t--” Locus stammered, looking surprised. 

“You _are_! It’s like you’re walking on goddamn tiptoes around me. I’m not about to fall apart or something. Fucking stop.” Felix huffed and leaned forward to pick his pillow back up off the floor. “I’m _fine_.”

Locus sighed softly. “I know. I just…”

“You saw my room and now you’re freaking out, fucking fine, just. Just get over it. I’m not there right now, I’m here. End of story. That’s what matters.” Felix huffed and wrapped himself around his pillow to sulk. “So stop.”

“All right. I’m sorry. I didn’t… mean to hurt you.” Locus scratched his neck and Felix groaned again.

“You didn’t hurt me. You’re just being weird and it’s annoying. Cut it out.” Felix shook his head. 

Locus sighed, but nodded. “All right.”

“Good.” Felix made a face. “You may now return to your homework.”

“Oh, may I?” Locus’ eyebrows went up.

“Yes. You may. The matter is now settled.” Felix flicked the wrist of his good hand dismissively. “Carry on.”

“You are such an asshole sometimes.” 

“Sometimes? How dare you. I am _always_ an asshole. At all times.” 

\---

Zachary was some welcome fun once they had some time that matched and could convince his roommate to piss off. Zachary didn’t have advice or deep questions. Just fun meaningless sex. 

Fun meaningless sex was very nice when everyone around him seemed to be made of intense looks, and pity, and Very Serious Emotions.

It was distinctly possible Zachary was incapable of serious anything. Zachary was always down for a good time, and the most attention he’d paid to the broken arm had been to ask what position was easiest for Felix to do with one arm.

“That I definitely missed.” Zachary laughed, still panting for air as he sprawled out on his bunk. 

Felix pushed Zachary’s arm off of him and snorted. “What you lead a chaste life at home during the summer?”

“Ehhh…” Zachary made a face. “Like I can’t really fuck at home, I mean my parents are _kinda_ under the assumption that I am learning to be a good little boy here at ‘learn some fucking decency’ academy. So, like, that’s definitely a pain.”

“But you found ways around it?” Felix snorted.

“Fuck yeah. I am not built for chastity man. It’s just not in my coding.” Zachary shook his head. “You get some fun in this summer?”

Felix snorted. “As if there was a doubt. This is me we’re talking about.” Sometimes it was very nice to pretend with someone who had no idea what he went home to. Someone who didn’t wince when he mentioned anything about his life outside of school. Locus handled him like he was precious, but he also handled him like he was delicate. 

Sometimes he just needed a break.

“To the good life as filthy sluts.” Zachary laughed and held up a hand for a high five. It was the wrong hand, Felix wouldn’t be able to return it properly. Sometime Zachary was an idiot, but Felix slapped it with his good hand anyway.

“The good life.”

He wished everything could be as simple as fucking Zachary. Just rough fun nonsense and laying around just long enough for the afterglow to wear off. 

“Ugh fuck I have English homework.” Zachary wrinkled his nose and sat up once he caught his breath. 

“Haha.” Felix stuck his tongue out, Zachary opted to bite it in retaliation earning an undignified squawk. 

“Seriously though we’re getting into poetry, it’s kicking my ass.” Zachary stretched and yawned before getting up to find something to pull on.

Felix slowly decided yeah, he was done basking, he should probably find his clothes too. “Poetry sucks.”

“Seriously. I never want to see a rhyme scheme for the rest of my life and it’s only been a few weeks.” Zachary pulled on his boxers, washed his hands and started digging around for his books.

“Yeah, if I never saw another poem as long as I lived I’d be good.” Felix groaned as he pulled on his clothes and fumbled with the buttons on his shirt. How had he even managed to take this stupid thing off? Getting full use of his arm back was going to be great.

“One day we will graduate. And then we’ll get to choose what we study.”

“And pay out the ass for it.” Felix snorted. 

“Yeah, there’s always a downside I guess…”

\---

“Dear Creepy-Fuck

Fuck off, I don’t want your dick, you’re being a freak. Eat Shit.

Not Yours,

Felix”

Felix shrugged as Locus looked up at him from the note. 

“Classy.”

“Yeah well.” Felix made a face and ripped off a piece of tape. “I’m not one for poetry either.”

“Clearly.” Locus took the tape and stuck the note to the front of their door.

“Think it gets the message across though.” Felix shrugged again and chewed his lip. “I mean… pretty straight-forward.”

“One would have to be willfully ignorant not to get your point.” Locus sighed and closed the door once he was finished. “Are you sure you want to go about it so… ah. Bluntly?”

“Yes. I’m fucking sick of this bullshit.” Felix slumped back into his bunk. “Please let this end it. Ugh.”

“Hopefully.” Locus wasn’t completely sure.

\---

“I swear _to god_. I will _beat you to death_ with my textbook if you do not get the fuck up right now.” Felix growled as Ross sat down in the seat next to him in English.

“Come _on_ , Felix. This isn’t fair. You gotta give me a _chance_.” Felix was pretty sure Ross didn’t consider what he was doing whining, but it was _absolutely_ whining.

“No, I _really_ don’t.” Felix hissed and scanned the room for a free seat. “In fact I don’t gotta give you shit.”

“I really want to make it up to you. Please.” Ross reached to touch his arm and without thinking Felix responded by slamming his fist into his nose as hard as he could.

“No. I have said it _enough_. _Piss off_. I am _done_.” Felix got to his feet as Ross fell backwards off of his chair. “Get the _fuck_ away from me.”

“ _Felix Lau_!” The teacher’s voice was sharp as she entered the room. Felix hadn’t bothered to remember her name yet. 

“ _What_?” That was probably not the tone he was supposed to use with authority figures. In fact it was _definitely_ not the tone to use with authority figures. 

The teacher looked like she was about to breathe fire, Ross sounded like he was dying, Felix’s good hand was throbbing. 

Great.

“Go to the office immediately.” 

Felix growled and put his books back into his bags and stormed out of the room. He really should have just kicked the shit out of Ross last year.

\---

Felix got a two day suspension. Which was extremely light, and mostly because in Charon a broken nose was about as common as a handshake. Either way it meant he was locked in solitary for two days, and Locus was alone in their room.

He’d already had to inform Zachary who had stopped by to see if Felix was free the first night. At lunch the next day Kaylee had just shaken her head and called him sloppy.

Which was true enough, Felix generally knew better than to get caught in violence. Locus was going to have to keep an eye out for this Ross person now. This was getting to be a _thing_.

He leaned in his chair and stared at his History homework and read the same sentence for the third time in a row. Locus couldn’t shake the desire to protect Felix. Couldn’t stop himself from hovering. He just wanted to make sure he was safe. He’d been so hurt over the summer…

But it was starting to become obvious how much Felix didn’t appreciate the attention. Felix wanted things to be… normal. Locus remembered the click of a deadbolt. He didn’t know if he could do that.

He wanted to be what Felix wanted, but how was he supposed to forget all of it? Forget the room, the bruises, the panicked look in Felix’s eyes. Or, how could he remember all of that and act like everything was the same. 

Felix broke Ross’ nose, he’d punched Kyle in the face for _his_ assault, he’d brought some dramatic violence against the Watts. The last thing Felix wanted anyone thinking of him was that he was weak. 

Locus was sure Felix would _hate_ that Locus wanted to protect him. He remembered a year ago, when he’d looked at Felix and seen someone small, bruised and childlike. He’d taken the giddiness, jokes, and loud obnoxious behaviour at face value and thought of Felix as a child to protect. He understood him better now. Knew the rage that burned under the surface, and the violence that was so much more than being rambunctious. 

He knew Felix was not a child, and likely had not been one for a long time. Even still Locus had seen glimpses of it. Making snowmen, covered in glitter in the morning sunlight, speckled by the shadows of trees. Those rare moments of pure joy that Locus wanted to catch and keep and give back to him bigger.

He needed to get himself under control. He wouldn’t make Felix happy by treating him like glass. But he needed to do something to make up for what he’d done.

A deadbolt fell into place in his mind.

He forced himself to breathe and set his homework aside. No one could see him fall apart right now so he leaned his elbows on the desk and covered his face with his hands. This wasn’t supposed to last past summer, this anxiety guilt and worry. He was supposed to get to school and let it wash away. That was the plan. The goal.

He’d had so much control over his emotions before Felix. Now he had no idea what to do. Everything hurt so acutely. He felt so many things and he couldn’t deal with it, couldn’t talk to anyone about it. How did anyone deal with feeling this way? The mix of joy and pain Felix brought into his life was so overpowering. Sometimes he wished they’d never met. All the joy, and belonging, maybe love, he thought maybe he’d trade it for the _simplicity_ his old life had been. But then he remembered how empty that life had been. Just day after day of the same nothing, over and over again.

It hurt now, but now his life was something worth living. 

He just had to deal with his guilt. It wouldn’t help Felix in any way that he felt guilty. He just needed to get over it.

Somehow.

\---

Felix was so used to solitary confinement that suspension was barely a punishment anymore. At least there was a toilet. It was boring, though. He wasn’t allowed books or anything, he was here to be punished and think about what he had done after all. 

He’d been stupid and reckless, but he had acted on instinct. He hadn’t wanted Ross touching him, he didn’t want Ross anywhere near him. Ross had been a large factor in his getting a goddamn fucking STI last year, with his stupid fucking rumour. Ross had insinuated that Locus was blackmailing him into friendship or sexual favours or both. 

He should have kicked the shit out of Ross last year. He’d deserved it, but by the time he was back from Spring Break Felix had forgotten he was planning to tear him apart. 

He didn’t regret punching him. Not really, just that he’d done it in class. And that he’d done it without thinking.

He’d been afraid. Not of Ross, not of anything Ross could have done. Ross was a skinny little shit head. He’d been afraid though. Ross had touched him and everything in his body had gone on high alert. He’d panicked and lashed out as hard as he could. 

He didn’t like what that said about himself. He wasn’t a coward. He wasn’t going to let all this bullshit make a coward out of him. 

He didn’t regret punching Ross. 

\---

“He gets out tonight right?” Anthony spun his fork in his bowl of noodles. “Felix? It’s too fucking quiet with him gone.”

“You sound like y’ got a crush.” Abbey teased, making Anthony sputter.

“It’s just nice when someone else is talking besides _you_.” Anthony hunched his shoulders. “Besides, everyone knows _I’m_ supposed to be the mopey one.”

Locus jumped a little when he realised Anthony was talking about him at that last part. “I- I’m not. Moping. I’m not moping.”

“More like brooding.” Kaylee agreed unhelpfully.

“Yeah Locus is broodin’, you still got claim on mopin’.” Abbey elbowed Anthony in the ribs and he scowled at her.

“I’m not brooding either.” Locus protested.

“Well you’re definitely _gloomy_.” Abbey pointed her fork at him. “You’re always quiet but now you’re like… just super glum.”

“You are thoroughly unconvincing as ‘not a couple’, you know.” Kaylee added dryly. “You keep getting more and more obvious.”

“We’re not--”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. You’re solidly your own _thing_ , outside the definitions of normal human relationships.” Kaylee rolled her eyes. “I’m sure that will continue to make sense for a while.”

Abbey giggled and Locus felt his cheeks go warm.

“Either way, he’s back tonight and things can go back to normal.” Anthony sighed. “Weird soap opera bullshit or not.”

\---

There was a knock at the door. Locus couldn’t think of why Felix would knock, but it could be Zachary again. Felix was supposed to be back soon, so it wasn’t that unlikely that Zachary might show up to ask what he’d been meaning to ask two days ago.

He’d been jumping a little at every footstep the last hour, thinking maybe this time it would be Felix. It felt like they needed to talk about something. Even if they didn’t really. He didn’t have to bring up any of his feelings to Felix, he could just pretend everything was normal until maybe it was.

He was still thinking about that when he opened the door and someone fell into him. He didn’t get much of a chance to react before pain shot through his side making him feel weak and numb. There was another sharp jerk of pain as the blade was pulled out and he felt his knees give out. A deep chill started to run through his body as the figure at the door turned and ran. 

It took him far too long, it seemed, to realise that he had been stabbed. It was like it was happening so far away. He looked down at the blood beginning to cover his sweats with bewilderment before he collapsed.


	3. Falling Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A night at the hospital

Felix felt numb, curled up in a waiting room chair listening to the chatter of a nearby nurses station. He couldn’t tell what they were saying but he could hear the noise and it was like some sort of sign the real world was somewhere nearby at least.

Locus had been in surgery for a long time. Felix had looked at the clock at some point but he couldn’t make sense of it. So it had just been a long time. 

There had been so much blood. _So much blood_. Felix had started screaming for help as soon as he’d seen it, he hadn’t cared how pathetic it sounded. Applying pressure was all he could think to do, and now he was covered in blood, too. It was soaked into his sweats and his cast and he hadn’t scrubbed it off his hands all the way. 

It didn’t make any sense. He felt like he was having some sort of fever dream. _He_ had enemies. If someone had stabbed him it would make sense. Felix pissed people off, it’s what he did. Locus didn’t bother anyone. Locus barely spoke to anyone outside their little group. 

If Locus had enemies it was because he was friends with Felix. That meant this all was probably his fault. 

Felix felt like he might throw up.

“Here.” Phyllis was standing over him, holding out a styrofoam cup.

Felix took it with a hand that shook, it was hot chocolate. It burnt his mouth a little when he sipped it but it made him feel a little less like he was going to pass out.

Phyllis was the only reason he’d been able to come. She’d convinced people he could come in the ambulance, that he could wait on news. She was the reason he wasn’t just sitting in his room freaking out alone.

“Did anyone…” He watched her sit down beside him and shake her head.

“No news yet. He’s still in surgery. It didn’t hit any organs, though, so…” Phyllis sighed. “It’s a stab wound, it’s never good news, but that it didn’t hit anything is good.”

Felix nodded numbly.

“The police are going to want to speak to you.” Phyllis rubbed her eyes like she had a headache. It wouldn’t be that surprising if she did. This was the kind of night for headaches.

“I don’t know anything.” Felix took another drink of his hot chocolate and stared at the wall ahead of him. “He was on the floor when I got there. I just. I didn’t see anything.”

Phyllis nodded. “Just tell them that. They might have more questions but… just tell them what you know.”

“Yeah.” Felix nodded numbly and continued staring at the wall.

\---

It seemed like hours later when someone finally came out to let them know that Locus was going to make it. He had pulled through and the surgery was a success and he was going to be _okay_.

They were keeping him under for the night though, so he’d have some time to recover. Rest was important.

A mix of promises, pleading and Phyllis’ assistance got Felix in the room with him. He pulled a chair up beside Locus’ bed and tried to ignore all the tubes and wires and drips and machines, everything outside his body keeping him alive. He was so _pale_ , ashy despite the brown of his skin. Felix threaded his fingers of his good hand through the fingers of Locus’ and squeezed a little, leaning down against the bed.

“I’m sorry…” He whispered and watched Locus breathe.

\---

Locus felt extremely… floaty. Floaty seemed the best word to describe it. Losing consciousness had been such a strange feeling. It was as if he had closed his eyes seconds ago, but now he was somewhere completely different. He didn’t sleep so deep and dreamlessly, but this time there had been a slip into blackness and then the slightly skewed awareness of his surroundings. It was almost funny, how light and strange he felt. He felt extremely lightheaded and dizzy, just turning his head seemed to make the world spin jarringly.

It took him a long moment to realise someone was talking to him. A doctor? Nurse? Medical professional. Something about waking up and not moving. She didn’t want him to move. Okay, he could do that. Or not do that, as the case may be. Moving was making him feel very dizzy anyway.

“How are you feeling?”

“...Um. Is floaty an acceptable answer?” He’d barely thought the question before it was tumbling from his mouth. He usually thought about what he said more, that was embarrassing.

“It is definitely acceptable. That’s the anesthetic wearing off. It’ll make you feel a little drunk for the next few minutes or so.” The nurse/doctor patted his hand lightly. “How else do you feel? Anything unusual?”

Locus had to focus very hard to make a full assessment of his body. Most of it felt normal, if a little tingly and light. “My side… hurts? I think it hurts. It feels kind of distant right now. I think it hurts though.”

The woman nodded and started running Locus through some basic reflex tests, making sure he could feel or move all his limbs.

“I was stabbed…” Locus didn’t feel completely sure about that. Things got very muddy when he tried to think about before things went black. But he thought he remembered that much, and it would explain the steadily growing pain in his side.

“Yes. Do you remember anything about it?”

Locus frowned deeply. “They were shorter than me. I think they were male, but the details are very…” He sighed, his mind was clearing but it didn’t help his memory any. “I can’t pick out details. I was surprised. It happened very fast. I didn’t think to pay attention.”

“That’s all right. You’re going to have to talk to the police about it, just answer their questions honestly, okay?”

Locus nodded, of course police would be involved, that made sense even if it made him nervous. He shouldn’t be nervous, looking at the situation logically he was the victim of a crime. But things didn’t always work out logically.

“There’s a young man who has been waiting for you. I asked him to leave while I brought you out and ran some tests, but--”

“Felix?” Locus tried to lean up, then regretted it a great deal, It hurt a lot to move like that and the woman came to push him back and check the large bandage on his side.

“Don’t do that. Try not to move too much. It will _not_ be fun if you open that back up, okay?” 

Locus nodded and worked to get himself back under control, it hurt _a lot_ , it was a little hard to breathe. “Felix is here?”

“Do you want me to let him in?”

“Please?”

The woman nodded and walked to the door, spoke for a moment and then Felix walked into the room. He was wearing clean clothes but there was blood on his cast, he looked exhausted and scared and angry. Locus was still so very glad to see him.

“Locus. Locus are you- jesus christ, Locus.” He rushed to Locus’ bedside and grabbed his hand firmly. “What the fuck…”

“Are you all right?” Locus frowned with concern as he looked Felix over.

“Am I- are you kidding me?” Felix made a sound part way between a growl and a laugh. “You got _stabbed_ , Locus. Am I all right? Are _you_? What the _fuck_?”

Locus smiled a little and shrugged a shoulder. “I lived.”

“Don’t joke about that.” Felix breathed as he fell into a chair beside Locus’ bed, still clutching his hand. “I didn’t know if you would. Jesus christ, Locus.”

“I’m sorry.” Locus squeezed Felix’s hand gently. “I didn’t mean to--”

“To get stabbed? I fucking hope not!” Felix shook his head and sighed. “I’m sorry. I… I thought I lost you.” He admitted quietly, staring at their hands.

“I’m still here. I’ll be all right.” Locus squeezed Felix’s hand a little tighter. 

“They said it didn’t hit anything vital it was all just… just getting the bleeding to stop and… a whole lot of medical shit and. Jesus fuck, Locus.” Felix shook his head. “Who did it?”

“I don’t know.” Locus shook his head when Felix looked about to object. “They knocked on the door, and then I… got very distracted. I don’t think I saw their face. If I did I don’t remember it. I’m sorry.”

“Stop. Stop apologising! You got stabbed in the guts, stop it.” Felix sighed. “Unless you stabbed yourself to get outta a math exam, you got nothing to be _sorry_ for.”

“I’m slightly offended by the suggestion I would try to skip school.” Locus smiled a little as Felix started to laugh. It was a shaky, scared sort of giggle, but it was something.

“I’m so glad you’re okay. I was so fucking scared.” Felix admitted again in a whisper. 

“Maybe now you know how I feel?” Locus said dryly and Felix jumped.

“ _What_? I’ve never been--”

“You went back into her house.” Locus whispered. He knew the police were somewhere, and he respected Felix’s need to make this choice. Even if he didn’t agree with the choice Felix had ended up making. “You put yourself in harm’s way. You came to school with a broken arm.”

“That’s hardly the fucking same as you getting fucking stabbed in our goddamn bedroom. I found you _bleeding out on the floor_.” Felix whispered back, but there was more fear in it than venom.

“I locked you in.” Locus said simply, looking down at their hands.

“I asked you to.” 

“You did.”

There was a long stretch of silence as they both stared at their joined hands before Felix finally answered.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I put you in that position. I shouldn’t have done that to you.” Felix shook his head a little.

“We’ll both do better this year. After this. We’ll do better.” Locus nodded, and tried not to focus on the way his stomach was starting to throb.

“You get better first. I’ll. I’ll collect your homework. I’ll try to take notes and shit… So get better.”

“I’ll work on that.” Locus said dryly.

\---

Locus had to stay at the hospital, they didn’t say how long, they would have to see how well he healed. Felix had to go back to school. He had to stay in a spare room, because his room was now a crime scene. He got his cast taken off first, at least, but he still felt empty and cold. He couldn’t shake how close he’d come to losing Locus, and what that would mean to him.

He couldn’t shake that fear, he felt boneless with it.

He’d gotten so dependant on Locus being in his life. He’d promised a future together and Felix had let himself believe in it. He’d forgotten how sure he was Locus was going to leave him. Locus had seen him in so many different terrible lights and still come back to him. But he couldn’t shake the idea that this was his fault. Locus had been hurt because Felix had pissed someone off. Had the attack been targeted at him, or had they attacked Locus specifically to hurt him? Locus was the only person that would work with. Locus was, in a way, his biggest weakness. He could feel that, now. Something happening to him? He could deal with that. He could deal with every hit and every slur and any attack someone threw at _him_. He didn’t know how to deal with someone hurting Locus.

It was probably good, it a way, that Locus didn’t remember who had attacked him. Felix wasn’t sure he wouldn’t kill them. It would be so easy to lose himself to the rage boiling inside of him. 

He couldn’t deal with Locus being hurt. He felt like a bomb about to go off. Anyone in their school could be the person who did it and Felix just wanted to lash out at all of them.

This was so much worse than being hurt. He couldn’t handle this.


	4. Change On The Horizon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix struggles to deal as the new Principal sets things in motion.

“There’s supposed to be an assembly later.” 

Felix looked slowly away from the horizon, having been seated on the roof for the last hour trying to get a few thoughts in order. It wasn’t reasonable to try and fight every person in the school, so he had to figure out control until he had a target. It wasn’t as much of a surprise anymore when Kaylee managed to find him when he went hiding. At least it wasn’t a surprise that she could. Sometimes it was really a surprise that she _would_.

“Oh?” He couldn’t muster up the energy to sound interested. He just watched her walk over and take a seat beside him. He figured it was a lot less comfortable to sit on the gritty surface of the roof in a skirt than in pants but she didn’t seem to care.

“Yup. Hargrove’s taking over as principal. Got a whole speech apparently. Also there’s… Locus.” She pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her blazer pocket and sighed. 

“Yeah. I guess that’s…” Felix sighed and rested his head against his knees, guilt and anger fought for control.

“How is he?”

“Under observation. Plus they’re wary of sending him back until they find out who attacked him.” Felix mumbled. He was tired of questions, but at least Kaylee actually seemed to care. A lot of people just thought it was like really interesting television that someone got stabbed on campus. He supposed to a lot of people Locus wasn’t… _someone_. Some guy got stabbed and it was like cool and scary, it didn’t change _their_ lives any. He could kind of understand that… he just wished they’d leave him alone, because it meant a whole goddamn lot to _him_. He really didn’t want to be suspended and unable to visit Locus, so he hoped they left him alone soon. He was pretty sure he was going to stop being reasonable soon.

“Shit.” Kaylee breathed out a cloud of smoke as she leaned back on a hand and watched the sky. “Any ideas?”

“I don’t fucking know…” Felix shook his head and sighed. “I mean… it’s _Locus_. Right? If someone stabbed me it’d make fucking sense.”

Kaylee snorted a little, but didn’t deny it. It would be a lie, and she didn’t lie much. “Your room’s covered in police tape. Someone actually bothered with the authorities.”

“Yeah, they were called when we got to the hospital. It was… I don’t know. It was bad. I think Phyllis called 911. I don’t know…” Felix shrugged a little. “I mean there was an ambulance, so I guess someone definitely called 911.”

“Think this has anything to do with your special someone?” Kaylee took another drag on her cigarette and Felix shivered.

“I don’t know. But it’s… I think it has something to do with me. I mean like. Locus. He’s _Locus_ , right? Locus doesn’t like people enough to piss them off.” Felix rubbed his arms and forced himself to focus, guilt was winning right now. How was he going to deal with this? 

Kaylee hummed thoughtfully as she exhaled, she considered what Felix said thoroughly. That was one of the bonuses to talking to Kaylee. Kaylee actually listened, then put thought into the things she heard. Mostly it was because Kaylee liked to have something on everyone she knew, she didn’t like being at a disadvantage. But when it came to being her friend it meant she took you seriously.

“What are you gonna do about that?” She didn’t disagree with him. It was obvious enough anyway, Locus didn’t have enemies. The closest he had to an enemy had graduated last year. And even then if he was an enemy, it was Felix’s fault. Again.

“I don’t know yet.” Felix admitted, tapping his fingers against his arms. “It’s… big.”

“It’s messy.” Kaylee raised an eyebrow and glanced sidelong at him. “I told you this would get messy.”

“I know. You did. It is. I’m. I don’t know. Fuck.” Felix sighed and lay back on the roof, scrubbing his face with his hands. “This is so fucked up. Fuck I’m fucking everything up.”

“Mmhm.” Kaylee watched him, let him dig his own hole. 

“What the fuck am I even supposed to do about this? If I knew who it was… but that doesn’t. I’m still gonna fuck up. This is so bullshit.” Felix went limp, he didn’t have the energy to fidget or twitch anymore. “What the fuck do I do?”

“I think you know, you just don’t wanna do it.” Kaylee tapped ash off into the wind and Felix covered his face with his hands.

“I’m literally ruining his life, aren’t I?” All of this, everything about this, it was such a fucking mess. The idea of losing Locus was terrifying, but if Locus was just going to get hurt like this for his association with Felix… “How do you deal with it?”

“Well for one I didn’t date Abbey. I knew it would be messy. If you think I don’t have my own enemies you aren’t paying attention.” Kaylee watched Felix, not unsympathetically but not… Kaylee didn’t do emotional, really. “It’s one thing for me to have a weakness. Another thing for someone to be hurt being that weakness.”

Felix made a soft despairing noise and swallowed a lump in his throat. “He got hurt to get to me.”

“Probably.” Kaylee crushed her cigarette butt against the heel of her shoe.

“I can’t just… what, get him fucked up and just abandon him? That doesn’t… that… it’s too _late_.” Felix knew his voice was shaking, but he was just too _tired_ to care about that. He was too tired for a lot. He couldn’t stop thinking about any of it. It was keeping him up at night.

“Be better, then.” Kaylee said bluntly. “You want to stay in his life? Be better. What’s more important? Being a fuckup or Locus.”

“So you chose being a fuckup?” Felix asked dryly, still covering his face with his hands.

“I don’t love people, Felix.” Kaylee’s voice was just a little sad. Kaylee was good at masks, only a little emotion got through. “I care about people, I don’t fall in love. I’m not what Abbey wants, and I can’t be that person. It’s not a matter of changing my mind.”

Felix took a slow breath and nodded. “Are you okay with that?”

Kaylee took a long moment to consider that. “Most of the time. I have people I like. I care about them in my own way. I care about Abbey, I want her to be happy and fulfilled. I don’t love her. Not like that. I thought maybe I might, but I don’t. I don’t like that I hurt her, but she wants romance and all the things that go with it.”

Felix slowly sat up again, and watched Kaylee shrug and check her nail polish for chips. 

“I’m okay being who I am. I can’t change that, so that’s fine. That’s just me. But it sucks, sometimes, that it hurts other people.” Kaylee sighed and looked back at Felix. “I’ll help try to work out who did it. I’ll leave the first hit for you.”

Felix snorted and shook his head. “I appreciate that. I’ll definitely take it. Can’t guarantee there will be much left after though.”

“I guess that’s fair. I’m not very good, so I can’t help you be better. That you have to do on your own.” Kaylee clicked her tongue. “But if you decide to be worse, I’ll keep an eye on him for you.”

Felix sighed. “I appreciate that, too.”

\---

The assembly was bullshit. Felix just wanted the day to end so he could get Phyllis to take him back to the hospital. He didn’t feel like dealing with everyone or talking to anyone, or explaining again that Locus was in the hospital. 

If one more person asked what happened, especially if they were someone he had never spoken to before, he was going to break something. And he really didn’t need that bullshit right now.

“Hey?” Felix turned to glare at what turned out to be Zachary. But he didn’t have some nosy asshole expression. Proving Felix wrong Zachary looked serious, still calm and stable and normal, but his usual lazy grin was gone.

“What?” Felix felt too _fucking_ tired to put on a front, and it was probably getting noticeable because people were asking about it.

“Saw you missed lunch. Got you a sandwich and some pudding. You going to the hospital after school?” Zachary handed him the wrapped sandwich and the pudding cup. God sometimes Zachary was just exactly the kind of normal Felix needed in his life.

“Thanks… yeah. I mean that’s the goal.” Felix shrugged a little.

“Then I stole a shitton of cookies from the cafeteria.” Zachary handed him another package. “Locus is a decent guy. Lemme know if you need something, kay?”

Felix blinked and then just stared at Zachary, as he held the food in his hands. Of all things he never really planned for kindness. He didn’t really know how to fit that in with how he was feeling.

Zachary laughed a little and squeezed his shoulder. “This shit is hard. I’ve been there. Both sides actually, got that wicked scar to prove it, that one under my ribs? It’s cool, right? Anyway.” Zachary shrugged. “It’s bullshit but if you need a hand I got two.”

Felix really had no idea how Zachary could be serious and chill at the same time but it was just a little bit of stress off his shoulders and Zachary gave him a halfhearted grin. He had to puzzle through the whole act before he could think of how to react properly.

“...Thank you.” Felix said finally, he wasn’t really sure what more _to_ do. He’d never considered Zachary a close friend, just a decent person he knew. Maybe this was normal behaviour for decent people. Felix didn’t know a lot of those.

“No problem.” Zachary winked. “It’s what I do. That and blowjobs. I can steal food and suck cock. Two main skills.”

Felix snorted and found himself smiling despite himself. “I think I’m taking a break from option two for a little bit.”

“That’s cool.” Zachary shrugged and didn’t seem phased. “If you wanna, lemme know. If you don’t… well lemme know anyway. Don’t hide out in an empty room reliving shit. That’s basically the worst. Plus we can throw a party when your man gets back. He needs to talk to more people.”

“It would probably make him extremely uncomfortable.” Felix laughed a little. “But maybe we’ll think of something…”

“Cool. I think I gotta find my seat with my group, but like, keep in touch, yeah?” Zachary gave Felix one last pat on the shoulder before jogging off to find his assigned area. 

Felix shuffled the food in his hands and began peeling open the sandwich. There was a reason Zachary had lasted past Felix’s purge of partners. Zachary was the kind of person it was worth knowing, no ulterior motive required. 

Students chattered and found their seats and settled into place until finally Principal Hargrove stepped forward. It took a moment for everyone to hush, but he waited. It seemed odd, to Felix, that he was taking over for a retiree, the man looked about to retire himself. But some people just aged very fast, and people weren’t really retiring in their mid 60s anymore. Felix finished his sandwich as Mr Hargrove began to speak.

“It has come to my attention…” He trailed off, seemingly for dramatic purposes. It looked like this was to be a scripted assembly. “That under my predecessor’s supervision discipline has become somewhat… lax. Violence has become so commonplace among students that somehow a student can be _stabbed_ on our premises, and it is treated more like a scandal than the act of violence that it is. Roughhousing in the halls, brawls in the cafeteria, and now knives in the dorms. This ends now. Your parents sent you to us to make certain that you learn to behave, learn to make something of yourselves. You are here because you are problems, and we are _supposed_ to have been correcting that. You’ve become comfortable, I’m sure, without guidance or supervision. This will also change. Beginning now we will be rewriting the rules which govern this school. We will be enforcing them. Your days of running wild are over. This is a school. Moreover this is a correctional facility, of sorts. Expect changes.”

Felix scowled. It wasn’t as if it was particularly surprising. He’d honestly expected more supervision when he’d initially been shipped to Charon. It hadn’t been surprising when delinquent public schools had been crap. Normal public schools hardly had enough money to function. But this was something that was paid for. He suspected parents weren’t entirely pleased to be paying good money to a school that allowed all the fun vices they were supposed to be correcting.

It was probably going to become a hassle, though. He’d finally gotten a hang of Charon, changing it all around now was going to be a pain. He wondered if Hargrove had hired new staff to enforce these new rules of his, because if not the teachers were certainly not prepared to give a fuck. He could write new rules all he wanted, but if the staff didn’t care enough to follow through it was going to be useless. He wasn’t sure how he felt, though, about Locus being used as the catalyst of this change. It seemed dirty somehow.

\---

Locus frowned thoughtfully as Felix shared the news, and cookies, with him. “I can’t say I’m really opposed to the idea of structure being encouraged in our school.”

“Yeah I guess.” Felix shrugged a little. “But the way he talked it seemed like they were setting up a prison system. I mean he actually called it a correctional facility. That’s a nice way to say prison. It’s a little fucked up.”

Locus nodded a little. “It is, but… that’s sort of what the school was _supposed_ to be. Correcting our criminal behaviour before we have to face real world consequences.”

“Our behaviour, he says.” Felix rolled his eyes. “Like you need correcting. But I get it. It’s for people like me. ‘We’ve let you be a fuckup long enough, learn how to function’ and all that.”

“It could turn out to be a good thing.” Locus offered. “It _is_ kind of a mess right now.” 

Locus had spent a lot of that morning having an aggressively nauseous reaction to one of the medications they’d given him. His whole side throbbed with pain, though luckily he hadn’t undone anything by dry heaving for what seemed like an hour. Just pain. Which seemed like enough at this point. The pain seemed like a lot to be dealing with. Stricter rules would have stopped _this_ before it had happened. He wasn’t selfless enough to think that was a bad thing. All told he’d really have rather not have had to go through all this. 

“It could be. Or it could be even more of a clusterfuck. I guess we’re gonna have to see.” Felix leaned against the bed.


	5. Security

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New school rules start falling into place

As soon as their room was cleared by the police as thoroughly searched and finished with, the school’s new enforcement team did their own search. This one was less necessary and by far more annoying. For one, according to the new rules a lot of things had become contraband. 

An official held a package of condoms in his hand and levelled a look at Felix who just shrugged. If they were honestly surprised, they were in for quite an experience as they searched the school.

“And do you understand why things like this are not allowed on school grounds?”

“Because if we’re all sexually repressed it’s easier for you to get us to call you Daddy?” Felix offered with an innocent smile.

The backhand was unexpected. He wasn’t exactly sure _why_ it was unexpected, except that it seemed if the school was looking to follow rules more strictly it would be trying to follow the law too. He stumbled a little with the force of the blow, then glared at the official who put the box into the little grey bin he’d brought to collect illicit or inappropriate items. Their laptops needed to be screened, food was not allowed in the dorms so any of that was taken away. 

Felix rubbed his cheek and frowned as they packed everything away. This was going to definitely be annoying.

“Also, the nature of your haircut does not fall in line with the acceptable styles according to the new rules being instated by Mr Hargrove. You will be required to cut it and dye it back to a natural colour, or it will be cut for you.”

“What?” Felix’s eyebrows shot up. “There’s nothing wrong with my hair.”

“The current style is unnatural, ill suited for a professional environment and could be considered rebellious. Keeping your appearance in a professional manner is very important to success.” The official finished packing Felix and Locus’ things for review. 

Felix wanted to tell him to fuck off, but he also didn’t want to get hit again, so he held his tongue. Maybe if he ignored the ruling they’d be too overwhelmed to enforce it, and the movement would run out of steam. He couldn’t see something this strict lasting, not here. Not with everyone comfortable with how things had been.

This was turning out to be definitely, definitely bullshit.

\---

Felix knew that Kaylee had a flawless makeup routine. He didn’t always get the point of it, but she did it every day so he figured she liked it. Winged eyeliner, red lipstick, flawless eyebrows. It was pretty much the only way he saw her. He supposed she usually washed it off at night or something, but when they saw each other in classes or lunch or supper, makeup.

So it was certainly a surprise at least when she showed up without it, and with her usually styled hair tied back in a ponytail. She looked… different, not in a bad way, though Felix figured Kaylee was always going to be pretty, her face looked a different shape this way. Less cheekbone, more forehead, pale lips… Kaylee’s default mode was an intense purposeful look. It was almost unnerving to see her looking unquestioningly human.

“Makeup’s contraband now?” Felix raised an eyebrow and she snorted.

“And hairspray, and hair straighteners, and nail polish, and so much other shit.” She sighed and leaned an elbow on the table, then put her chin in her hand. “They took all my smokes too. I got in shit for having them and lighters, now I have detention all week.”

“Shit.” Felix made a face. “That’s… bullshit. They’re going whole hog on this, huh?”

“Yup.” Kaylee clicked her tongue with an annoyed scowl on her face. “Got in shit about my skirt too. Gotta be knee length. Can’t wear heels to school. I’m basically out of things to _have_ at this point.”

Felix wrinkled his nose. “Man that’s a fucking mess. They took some of my shit too, but damn they went overboard on you.”

“It went pretty much the same with a lot of the girl’s dorm. Most of us were pretty pissed to lose makeup rights.” Kaylee picked at her food dispassionately. “Lot of full buckets coming out of our rooms.”

“Damn.” Felix shook his head. “God I hope they get bored with all this soon. What the fuck is stealing lipstick gonna solve?”

“Well you know red lipstick is sexually provocative and inappropriate for someone my age.” Kayle said with a tightlipped expression. She was pretty pissed if she was expressing this much.

“Wow, at least when they gave me the slut speech it was for actually being a slut.” Felix winced.

Abbey arrived to the table then, Anthony in toe behind her. Her usual bubbly attitude was significantly dimmed, and her hair was dyed back to its natural black. 

“Fuck, you too, huh?” Felix winced as she shrugged a little. 

“Non-professional and inappropriate.” She mumbled and looked down at her plate. 

“Shit.” Felix shook his head and Kaylee made a sour face.

“That’s fucking bullshit.” Kaylee shook her head. “I’m sorry Abbey.”

“Thanks.” Abbey shrugged a little. “I got in trouble for a bunch of my art supplies too. I guess paint and stuff is not allowed outside the classrooms. Though I don’t know how I’m supposed to get my projects done.”

It was deeply wrong that Abbey was speaking so slowly, instead of giddily rushing through one word to get to the other and jamming a sentence together in a bouncy bubbly giggle. She looked tired and sad and it made Felix want to punch someone. Even more than he already did. It was a shame he couldn’t just fight the faculty.

“That’s a lot of bullshit, man they are going so fucking far with this shit.” Felix grumbled.

“They let you keep your hair like that?” Abbey asked with a frown.

“No, they told me to cut it off. I’ll see what happens if I don’t.” Felix made a face and speared a fork full of salad a little more aggressively than necessary. “They can get fucked.”

“I’m sure that’s gonna go over great.” Anthony mumbled.

“They steal a bunch of your shit too?” Felix raised an eyebrow, Anthony kept his head down through most things he couldn’t see him having much illicit material in his room.

“Few books. Some of my notebooks. They want me to cut my hair.” Anthony shrugged a little. “I got off pretty easy. I don’t really have much for hobbies to ban.”

Felix nodded with a sigh. “This is so fucking bullshit.”

\---

A single dark red rose lay on his bed. Felix wanted to scream. All this. All the over the top shifts in security, the fuck off note, Locus’ injury. And still this. Still a rose, still a card, still a mother fucking stalker. He had no way to know if this fucker was involved with hurting Locus but it seemed possible. If he was… Felix was already running out of patience for this shit. They were going to have to clean this fucker up with a goddamn mop.

“I’ll not be denied. You may not see our love yet, but we are bound by fate.” 

It was a lot more to the point than the others. Probably not a fan of Felix’s note. A blunt and forward ‘No’ didn’t work. Maybe he _should_ take the issue to the faculty now. Now they were knuckling down on bad behaviour.

But that would be inviting them in. The idea of everyone knowing what had gone wrong, that he was dealing with this… He didn’t want to deal with that too. Besides, he’d read enough books to see that stalking wasn’t really something people intervened with. Apparently it wasn’t illegal, at least according to messy crime novels. Felix had seen that come up enough times to figure it was at least mostly true. What was the school going to do, if the police wouldn’t do anything? And if he brought it up there was a chance _he_ would end up punished for it. After all, most adults were more likely to be annoyed when brought a problem than anything else. He’d never really met a lot of people who responded to a kid having an issue in a way that was actually helpful.

He tore the note in half and threw it in the trash with the rose. He was too tired to deal with this. He was so, _so_ tired right now. Even the visits to Locus he was allowed didn’t feel like enough. Everything was so quiet in their room. It was almost weird to fall asleep and not hear Locus working on something. He hoped they let him out soon. He hated hospitals, and he wanted Locus back. Seeing him looking sick and stuck in a hospital bed… Felix hated the whole situation.

He felt like he was moving in autopilot, no one really in control. He’d barely made it through supper. He felt heavy and sore, and so very, very tired. There was too much going on at once. He stumbled as he stripped out of his clothes, leaving them scattered on the floor as he grabbed one of Locus’ school sweaters. It was huge on him but it smelled a little like Locus and he was so tired he just wanted to fall asleep with Locus again. 

He dragged his blankets over to Locus’ bunk and curled up in it. The pillow still smelled like Locus too. This was probably pathetic but Felix was too tired to care. Too fucking tired. He could care about it tomorrow. Along with his unfinished homework and headache and anything else. 

For now he could go to sleep and pretend everything was okay.

\---

Locus didn’t want to admit to Felix he was afraid. He didn’t want to admit to anyone, really… but the reality was a few inches in any direction the knife could have hit something vital. The fact that he had lived was almost a surprise. He had lived and he wanted to think of it like wounding had been the goal, but… 

His attacker had aimed to kill him. He had aimed to kill him slow and painfully, probably. Books described wounds to the stomach very explicitly as painful and disgusting. It was pure luck, and probably inexperience, that he had survived. If Felix hadn’t been coming back right away, if Phyllis hadn’t responded so quickly, if help hadn’t come as quickly as it had…

It was frightening. He was sure for almost all people the situation he was in it would be completely acceptable that he be frightened. But Locus didn’t want to be like most people. Locus wanted to be able to control himself, he wanted to control his mind and his emotions and his behaviours. Fear, right now, wasn’t useful. He hadn’t died. He knew he was in danger now. He had protection and situations were stabilising. It was unlikely the teen who had done it would be able to hide it from a police search.

It would be handled. Locus didn’t need to worry. He didn’t need to be afraid. The thing to be afraid of had passed. 

And yet Locus still felt breathless when he considered it. How close he’d come. How close everything had come to just… ending. What would have been the point to any of this if he had died there? He hadn’t accomplished anything yet. 

He wouldn’t ever have gotten the chance to talk to Felix about how he felt. 

It felt so utterly juvenile to be so focused on that, but it weighed on him. It shouldn’t matter, but he was sure now, and the idea of dying before he could say it. Before he could _tell_ Felix he loved him. Even if he’d have to deal with all the consequences after. Even, maybe, if it all went wrong.

He thought maybe… Felix didn’t know anyone loved him, and he should. Even if it made things complicated, Felix should know. He was someone that could be loved. Was loved. 

It seemed so important to Locus. He couldn’t let go of the thought.

He didn’t want to die with Felix thinking that he was unloved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry in advance, I got a bit of a flu or something. Next chapter may be a little delayed. I'm so sorry if I don't end up getting it done tomorrow. I'll still try to get it finished and up soon. I'm sorry.


	6. Good Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pay off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!WARNING!!!!
> 
> This chapter is vaguely graphic, sexual violence. This entire chapter. I kept it to this chapter so you can skip it. Please do skip it if you have problems with rape or drugging or anything like that. I'm putting up chapter 7 as soon as I finish posting this one so you can skip straight to that. 
> 
> These next two chapters got pretty dark Chapter 7 will have its own warnings.

Waking up was a strange process. With no window, there was no light, and with no light Felix couldn’t tell how long he’d slept. He felt like someone had attached weights to all of his limbs, just turning his head took an intense force of will. He didn’t want to be awake, he was still so tired. He didn’t know why he was awake when he still felt like this until something touched him again. The light brush of fingers over his stomach. It was such a light touch it didn’t register to him as strange. He felt so asleep still he wasn’t sure it was real. 

It wasn’t like he didn’t know what being felt up was like. He’d experienced this, felt this, having a dream about it probably wasn’t so strange. He missed Locus, his mind could be channelling that. Maybe. He was going to just let himself fall back asleep again, when he thought that Locus’ hands were bigger than this. Being awake hurt he was so tired, and there was no light to see but he tried to shift and look anyway. He couldn’t see. The more he thought, though, the more it didn’t make sense. Why would he imagine something so fumbled? Why would he dream someone so inexperienced? The fingers mapping out his body were more ticklish than anything, feeling him but not giving him anything. 

“Locus…” His voice came out so quietly, so tired, so weak. It wasn’t Locus. Locus wasn’t here. Locus was in the hospital. His eyes hurt to keep open. He was probably asleep. He was so tired.

The fingers stopped and Felix wondered if he’d woken himself up, except someone shifted on the bed. He hated that feeling. Feeling someone shift on the bed while he slept. It made him feel sick and remember things. 

Things like this. This was a lot like…

Panic was a painful shock, his heart clenched and his muscles tightened. It sent sparks of pain through his body and it should have woken him up but it was so hard to move.

Someone was touching him. Someone was touching him and he had been sleeping. Locus would never, ever, do that. 

“You’re dead…” His voice was so far away. He felt so small again. So weak. Why was he so weak? He wasn’t a kid anymore.

_Be a good boy_ echoed in his mind. It wasn’t real. He didn’t hear that. He knew, technically, he didn’t hear it. Ghosts weren’t real. The dead didn’t talk. _Stay quiet like a good boy._

There was another person on the bed. They stopped when he’d frozen, when he’d tried to speak. There _was_ another person. Each heartbeat made it feel more real. 

He couldn’t wake up right. Why was he so heavy? His mouth felt dry and tasted bitter as he tried to speak. What did he say? What did you say to ghosts? It wasn’t a ghost. Ghosts weren’t real, he reminded himself again as he shifted his arms a little. Dead men couldn’t touch you.

The person was being very still, but Felix could hear them breathing. They were there. They were real. He wasn’t dreaming them. The bed dipped towards them and Felix could feel their heat against his legs. There was a person kneeling over him. They’d taken their hands away. If Felix couldn’t hear them breathing he might have forgotten them. Everything still felt like a dream. Even as his arms hurt to move just the smallest amount, even as his stomach twisted, his chest ached. He hurt. He hurt too much to be asleep. Someone was breathing so close to him.

He stopped moving. He didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t see. He hurt so much. Maybe if he waited? If he waited he would find out. He couldn’t do anything now. Couldn’t lift his arms. Being awake hurt so much. He felt like his skin hurt, he was so tired. So he stayed still, stayed and listened to someone breathing. 

They were breathing hard. Were they afraid too? He wished they would speak. He wished he knew who it was. It was not a ghost. 

It was not a ghost. Ghosts weren’t real. Only real things could touch.

They started touching him again, and he stayed still. Did they think he was asleep again? He wasn’t awake all the way, at least. He could feel it pulling at him. Despite everything. Despite the fear, the touch, the someone. He wanted to sleep. He was so tired. If he slept it would go away.

No. If he slept it would stay. He wouldn’t feel it, but someone would still be here. Going to sleep didn’t make them stop. It never helped. It wouldn’t help. 

The hands pushed up his sweater more. It smelled like Locus. Locus wasn’t here. Locus wasn’t touching him. The hands were too small, too thin, too inexperienced. The hands didn’t know his body. They were breathing harder now. Just a little. Maybe louder. Maybe they weren’t trying to be quiet anymore. They cupped his chest with his hands. He wanted to kick, to move, to fight. He couldn’t make his legs listen to him. They were so heavy. How had he gotten so heavy?

_I’ll buy you an ice cream. You’ll like that. Just be a good boy._

Ghosts weren’t real. Someone was real in his bed. Someone real was touching him. Why? Why? How was this happening? He hurt so much. He was so tired.

The person moved, shifted their weight and leaned forward, putting their hand by his side. In this position Felix could feel their breath against his chest. Their legs were split over one of his and he could feel an erection pressing against his leg. The shift seemed to make them notice it too, they made a muffled little groan. 

They were so close. They were touching him and they were so close. He could hear them make quiet horrible noises so close to him. He could feel their breath. They spent a long time like that, one hand rubbing his hips, their mouth so close to him. Finally, in a sense, he felt their mouth move along his body. Open mouth kisses and licks left cold spots over his abdomen and he ended up shifting. It was so uncomfortable. So bad. No. He hated this.

They made a desperate, animal sort of sound and pressed down against his leg. They moved against him and Felix felt like he was going to die. 

“Don’t…” He forgot he was going to be asleep. Going to stay still and quiet. He shifted again, trying to move away from the pressure against his leg. “Please…”

The person groaned against his chest and shifted again. Shifted closer. He could feel their breath against his neck. They were so close to him. They licked his neck and Felix felt a terrified whimper fall out of his mouth. 

_Shhh. Be a good boy. I’m almost done. Good boy. Good boy._

No. No. No.

Ghosts aren’t real. Dead people don’t come back. 

He was so paralysed. Fear, memories, the deep unyielding exhaustion. He shifted his arms a little and they ached so much. Someone took his hand and pinned it down, squeezed it. It was almost affectionate and Felix turned his head to try and look. He couldn’t see. If he’d gone to sleep with a light on he could see. Why didn’t he sleep with a light on? 

They turned his head with a free hand. They put so much weight on the hand they held. It was already so heavy. He made a small dismayed sound. He couldn’t keep himself quiet. Every sound that struck him fell out of his mouth, like some sad drunk child. He knew how to be a sad drunk child. Why was there someone on his bed? Why was there someone on him? They kept making noises now. Closer and closer to him. The hand opened his mouth and then someone’s lips were against his. Tongue in his mouth. 

It didn’t normally make him think of chewing someone else’s gum. But this felt gross and wet and wrong.

He bit down. He couldn’t move his arms but it was so much easier to move his jaw. Someone yelled and reared back and slapped him hard across the face.

It hurt. But he felt more awake. This hurt was sharp and real and too sudden not to notice. They knelt back and made a pained sound. Their hands were off of him, they were still pressed hard against his leg. 

“Stop.” His voice was less far away. It sounded like him. Like really him and not a trick. He was really speaking. “Get off of me.” He had to speak slow and carefully to be understood but he spoke.

The person went very still and Felix moved his hands slowly to his sides. Maybe he could push himself up. Maybe he could sit up and push them off. Maybe if he focused he could wake up well enough.

“Shhh…” They put a hand out to cover Felix’s mouth and he growled against it. _No. No. No._ He tried twisting his head to get the hand off but they stayed firm. “It’s okay. It’s me. It’s okay.”

Felix knew that voice. He did. Why couldn’t his brain work better. That voice. That voice. He’d heard it. 

“Don’t struggle, love. It’s okay. I have you now. I have you now and you’ll be okay.” They were trying to sound so soothing. Their voice shook with desperation. Despite some worthless attempt to comfort they started moving their hips again. Felix struggled as much as he could make himself struggle. He was weak and sore and tired but he grabbed their arm and pulled it away from him.

“ _Stop_.” Felix knew he was almost whining. His voice was shaking. But it wasn’t _his_ voice. It was not a dead man’s voice. It was. It was…

“Love. Love. Shh. It’s so good. It’s good.” They kissed him again, sloppy and gross and _on him_. 

Ross. Ross. It was Ross. He knew the voice it was Ross’. 

Why. Why was Ross on him. Why was he in his room? He shouldn’t be here. There was no reason for him to be here. 

Felix turned his head away and gasped for breath. “Ross.” He forced himself to stay it steady. He had to focus hard when he heard Ross moan. Like saying his name was sexual. Fuck.

“Stop. Stop. Get off. Stop.” The more he moved the more he could move. Slowly slowly his arms gained more strength. He could lift them. He tried to push Ross but he wasn’t strong enough. Why was he so _weak_?

“It’s okay. God. God you sound so beautiful. You feel so good. We’re so right. We fit.” Ross was breathing hard and he pushed Felix’s hands away. “We’re made for each other. See? Don’t you feel it? Like this. Like we’re supposed to be. Do you see it now?”

Felix made a small noise as it fell into place. Oh. Oh it was him. All along. He felt sick. He was so sick. This was so wrong. How did this happen. Why was he so _weak_? He could fight Ross. He was stronger than Ross. Why couldn’t he move right?

Finally he threw all his strength into twisting over, trying to buck Ross off of him. Get off the bed. He had to get off the bed and get to the door. Right. Right the door. Ross stumbled as he jerked, fell. He got him off. But he got up. Ross could get up so easily. Why was it so hard for Felix to get up. He tried to drag himself against the bed when Ross pinned him again.

“I knew we were perfect for each other. I told you and told you. I dreamed so much.” He hated how Ross sounded. He hated it almost as much as how he felt. Ross sliding to lie against his back and move. And move. 

“No. No. Stop. Don’t.” Begging was useless. He sounded so useless. He felt so useless. He could fight Ross. He had fought Ross. Why was this so _hard_? “Why can’t I _move_?” 

He hadn’t meant to say that much out loud but Ross laughed a little against his ear. He was so _close_. “I gave you so many chances. I was going to do this different. I was. But you were so _stubborn_. You wouldn’t _listen_ to me.”

Felix jerked an elbow back and he thought he caught Ross in the shoulder. He’d hissed with pain and annoyance and grabbed his arm. 

“I tried to do this _nicer_. I gave you so much, you know. I poured my heart out to you again and again. I was so good to you.” Ross sounded angry and desperate and so _close._

Felix screamed against his bed. It was hardly any sound but he was so frustrated. So weak. So tired. So _scared_. “I hate you. I _hate_ you.”

“You don’t. You don’t get it yet. It’s love. It’s real love. We’re _connected_. We’re so good.” 

Felix grabbed the edge of his bed and tried to pull himself away.

“You weren’t supposed to wake up yet. But I’ll make you see. I’ll make it right.”

No. No. No. No. When had he gotten tired? He’d gotten so tired. All of a sudden it was like he couldn’t move. It was supper? He barely got through supper. He thought it was Locus. He thought he was worried and stressed and tired. 

“I didn’t _see_ you.” Felix gasped as he tried so hard to pull himself to the edge of the bed. 

“You never see me. You don’t look at me. Oh but we’re perfect. I can feel it. It’s all I can think about. Awake, in class, in my dreams. You’re all I can think of. I just needed you to see me. I tried so hard.” Ross jerked against him and made a loud horrible noise against his neck and Felix ignored the wet against his back and took the distraction. He pulled himself away and tumbled onto the floor. He hit his face hard and it would probably bruise but he didn’t _care_. Get to the door. 

Get to the door. He kicked his legs free of the blankets he’d pulled with him and struggled across the floor. The room was so small the door should be so close. He had to move before Ross came back to his senses.


	7. Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An attack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!WARNING!!!
> 
> Felix is still drugged from the last chapter. It's the same scene I just split it up so you can skip the things having to do with rape.
> 
> This chapter contains violence still. Fighting, attempted murder, and suicide. I don't care if I'm spoiling please please don't read if this will hurt you. Take care of yourself!!!

The room was small. He was so weak, but he could make it. He could make it out. He could. Ross was still on the bed. It took all his strength to get across the floor. He was so dizzy. Moving was so hard. Drugged. He was drugged. It answered everything and it made him want to scream. That’s why he was so tired. So heavy. So weak. He was drugged.

It was the only reason he was weaker than Ross. Ross knew that.

He ran into the door, slammed his face into it too. He hurt so much. But he reached for the doorknob and pulled and pulled and cried out miserably when it wouldn’t open. 

Of course it wouldn’t open. The doors locked at night. They always locked the doors at night. That meant Ross had been here since before night had started. He wanted to cry. He felt so pathetic. He wanted to throw up and cry and rip Ross’ throat out.

He heard Ross start to laugh. He hadn’t moved from the bed but Felix realised that didn’t matter. He was trapped. He was trapped he couldn’t get out. And Ross wasn’t drugged. Ross could move around the room so easily. 

“You feel so much better than I even imagined.” His voice was so breathlessly satisfied and Felix slammed his face against the door again just to have something else to feel. He heard Ross move off the bed and his feet hit the floor and Felix scrambled for some sort of plan.

Why? Why had Ross locked himself in with him? He didn’t need this long. He didn’t need all night. His stomach heaved and he covered his mouth. He tried to keep everything down. Tried to breathe. He needed to get out. 

What would happen if he screamed? Would someone come? Would everyone know?

Everyone would know. They’d know what happened. They’d know he was so weak. They’d all know he was weak. It had taken no time for rumours to spread about him last year. He couldn’t be vulnerable. Not now. Not here. 

“I dreamed and I dreamed, you know?” Ross was walking closer so slowly. “You threw out my presents, though. Not the first one. Not at first. I was so happy. I saw it on your dresser and I was so happy.”

The bear. The fucking Valentine’s Bear. he should have thrown it out as soon as he’d gotten it. He should have burned it.

“But then. Then over holidays you threw it away. You threw everything away. I wrote you so much. I wrote my heart.” Ross finally reached him and stood for a moment. He heard something move against the wood of the desk. Ross’ fingers tapping the surface to find something, then finally pulling it off. “You threw it away. Every. Single. Time. I pour my heart out to you and you threw it _away_.” 

Felix pressed himself into the corner behind the door and tried to think of what to do. He knew the room better. If he was sober he’d be able to fight, even in the dark. In the dark he still knew where things were. He’d moved around in the dark so many times before to keep from waking Locus. 

“Your poetry fucking sucks.” There was no way out. Not like this. He was unarmed. He was drugged. He was trapped. All he had was Locus’ sweater and that didn’t help him. It just stuck to his back. 

Ross’ foot ran into his leg and Felix heard him hum softly. “You’re so determined to be cruel. We’re soulmates, you know. I can feel it. I can _feel_ it. What is it in Japan? A red string tying our fingers together?”

“I’m fucking _Chinese_. I have no fucking idea what it is in Japan.” Felix growled as Ross laughed and crouched down in front of him. He could feel him getting closer.

“It doesn’t matter. We’re bound. Fate put us together Felix. You were the only person to ever understand me. It was so perfect.” Ross sounded enraptured by the memory. “You listened, and you got it. You were so perfect.”

“You’re fucking pathetic.” Felix spit, hoping to at least hit Ross. He aimed where his voice was coming from.

Ross sucked in a breath and sounded angry as he spoke again. “Then Locus happened. Fucking Locus. He dropped you. Left you alone while you were in pain. And you still let him pull you back in. He _abandoned_ you, and you decided to follow him around like a fucking puppy.” He started tapping something against the floor. It sounded metal but Felix couldn’t be sure. “I know you fucked other people. That bothered me. But they didn’t matter to you. None of them mattered. But Locus. Locus _stole_ you. He took you away from him. I told him to stop. I told him and I told him and he didn’t _listen_.”

“So you stabbed him.” Felix felt numb with rage. Not only this. This wasn’t enough. But he’d tried to _kill_ Locus. Because of Felix. 

“I wanted to kill him. I guess I missed. He really is like a bug isn’t he? You just can’t get rid of him.” Ross sighed. “But now he’s going to come back. And the police… they found my shirt. I thought I got rid of it, I tried to burn it…” 

Something metal tapped Felix’s chest and Felix went very still. Ross slid it down Felix’s chest lightly. 

“They’re going to find me. And because of _fucking_ Locus they’re going to try and take me away.” Ross spat bitterly and Felix wanted to point out that it was Ross’ fucking fault for trying to kill someone, but there was an edge to what Ross was holding against him. It wasn’t a normal knife, but it was sharp. “I ran out of time. I needed to move. I needed to be with you. At least we have tonight. I wanted it to be perfect. I got so distracted though. The way you smell, the little noises you make when you sleep. I watched you strip and I couldn’t think of anything else. Tonight was supposed to be so _perfect_.”

Felix knew knives. He was good with knives. If he could get the knife out of Ross’ hand he’d have the advantage. He could make an advantage. It wasn’t a normal knife but Felix could use it. He’d used a lot of knives. He felt the blade move gently up and down his chest and focused on his arms, getting ready to move.

“After tonight. We can be together forever after tonight.” What? Fuck. Felix felt very, very cold. He’d promised Locus he wouldn’t die over the summer. Ross kissed him again, hard and wrong and bad. He brought the blade back and Felix realised what was about to happen. 

He reached blindly as Ross tried to bring the knife down. He caught it, but he caught it by the blade. It sliced into his hand and he cried out, but he didn’t let go. He needed it. He needed to stay alive he needed to get the knife away from Ross. 

“Stop! Stop! It’s going to be _perfect_!” Ross started to yell as Felix grabbed his wrist with his free hand and slammed Ross’ hand into the floor. Again and again until he let go. Felix pushed with all the strength his legs could give him to drive his shoulder into Ross’ chest. They tumbled back hard and Felix yelled as the blade bit deeper into his hand. It was bleeding hard. Hand injuries bled so much. The blade was so slippery.

Ross scrambled to push Felix back and pin him down and the knife slipped from his hand and skidded across the floor. Felix heard it hit the wall and fuck there went his advantage. But at least Ross didn’t have it.

“It’s supposed to be _perfect_!!” Ross was screaming now, hands scrambling against Felix’s body and Felix grabbed him and slammed his head against his face as hard as he could.

“I _hate_ you!” He screamed back. “You’re _pathetic_! I _always_ thought you were pathetic!” He clawed at Ross’ face and heard Ross shriek when his finger found their target. He scraped at his eye and Ross shoved him away.

“You’re supposed to _love_ me. You’re perfect. You get it. You--” 

“I always hated you. I used you. I thought you were a pathetic, worthless sack of _shit_.” Felix hissed and tried to get his feet under him. “I used you. You watched people. I wanted information. That’s all you meant to me. I never understood you. I thought you were _disgusting_.”

“ _Liar!!_ ” Ross screamed again. “Liar! Liar! You love me. You’re supposed to love me. We’re perfect for each other.”

“You’re _nothing_. You’re worse than nothing. You never meant _anything_ to me. You were a means to an end. You could die and I’d be _happy_. I’ll laugh when they take you away. I’ll laugh and I’ll laugh and I’ll never miss you. And then? Then I’m going to fuck _Locus_. And you can rot in juvie.” 

“Stop it!” Ross howled and Felix thought maybe he was sobbing so he laughed. 

“You sad, disgusting, little freak. No one loves you. No one cares about you. You thought I was the only one who understood you? I understood you were _worthless_.” He didn’t want to die, but if he was going to it was going to be by breaking this fucker. He was going to take all of Ross’ dreams with him. “You’re _nothing_.”

Ross cried out wordlessly, just screamed and thrashed out at Felix. But Felix moved back, moved under Locus’ desk and clutched his hand to his chest.

“This isn’t how it’s supposed to _be_. This was going to be perfect. We were going to be together forever. It was _perfect_.”

“You can be _alone_ forever.” Felix hissed again. “If you kill me I’ll just wait for Locus. I won’t go with _you_.”

He heard metal scrape against floor again and his heart sank. The blade. Ross had found the blade again. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“I love you.” Ross whispered, his voice shaking. “I love you, no one will ever, ever love you like I’ve loved you.”

There was stillness for a long moment, then a grunt of effort, a pained noise, a gurgle and silence.

Felix felt wet start to reach him eventually. It stuck to his toes and seeped closer and closer. It was warm and he realised it was blood. 

Then he threw up.

\---

The fight had made enough noise to draw security. The light hurt his eyes and Felix just curled tighter under Locus’ desk. All he could smell was vomit and blood and he didn’t want to see what was left of Ross. 

He didn’t want to see anything. He curled up as tight as he could and refused to move when security crouched down and tried to beckon him out. Eventually they had to grab him and drag him out through the whole mess. Felix stayed in a ball with his eyes as tightly closed as he could make them.

His hand was still bleeding, and he felt lightheaded. More lightheaded. The adrenaline was wearing off and he felt drugged again. Weak and tired and sore.

Security spoke, Felix couldn’t make any of it out. 

He probably passed out. 

He woke up when someone started stitching his hand, because it hurt and he noticed it. But he couldn’t make sense of it. He didn’t think the nurse noticed as she stitched that he was awake, so he didn’t move. He didn’t want to deal with any of it.

They had changed him. All he’d been wearing was Locus’ school sweater… which he had ruined. Now he was in a hospital gown. They’d probably cleaned him too. He didn’t smell like blood and vomit anymore. He just smelled hospital.

Hospital.

When the nurse finished stitching he mumbled to her, “Locus?”

“You’re awake!” She jumped a little. “How are you feeling?”

“Shit.” Felix answered, his voice felt hoarse, his throat hurt, his mouth was dry. “I’m in the hospital.”

“Yes you are. Do you remember what happened?” She bandaged his hand as she asked gently.

“I…” He spoke slowly. Everything morphed together into a hazy dreamlike nightmare. “I was… drugged.”

“Yes.” She responded quietly. “We ran some blood tests, the results aren’t back yet, though. You were out for a while.”

He wondered how long it had taken him to get to stitches, then he remembered why it mattered he was in the hospital. “Locus is here.”

“Who? I’m sorry…” She returned his hand to him and checked his IVs. He was hooked up to IVs. He blinked and looked at the needle in the back of his right hand.

“Locus. He’s in a recovery room. He’s here. I want to see Locus. Locus is here.” 

“I don’t think you should move around right--”

“Please? Please I have to find Locus. I have to.” Felix looked around and tried to figure out how to get up despite the IV and the throbbing pain in his hand and the headache and the drowsiness.

“Settle down. Settle. Okay. I’ll look into it. I’ll look into Locus. Just stay here, okay? Just lie down. Some people need to talk to you. And then we’ll see about Locus.” She pushed him back gently and he froze.

Pinning him down. Pinned down. He had to--

She took her hands away before he could lash out, and backed up. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Just please, lie back? Don’t try to get up. The drugs aren’t out of your system, we don’t know what you were dosed with. So please don’t get up.”

Felix focused on breathing for a long moment before finally nodding. “Find Locus…”

“Okay. Okay I’ll find Locus. Just stay here. Okay? Stay here.”

“.... Okay. I’ll stay. I’ll stay if you find Locus.” He felt tired again. His face hurt. He covered his face with his hands and tried to just focus on breathing.

\---

When Phyllis came to tell him that Felix was there, Locus thought it was to visit. Then another nurse came in with a wheelchair.

“He’s not in his right mind right now.” Phyllis warned as she pushed Locus through the hall. “He was drugged and delirious when we got here. The police are trying to speak to him, but he keeps asking for you.”

“What happened.” Locus forced himself to breathe. 

“He was attacked in his… in your room. It’s under investigation right now. I can’t go into too many details yet.”

“Was it the same person?” Locus asked. “Who attacked me? Was it the same person?”

“We believe so. Felix’s memories are spotty but he thinks so.” Phyllis said softly.

“What happened to him?”

“He’s dead.”

Locus felt very cold all of a sudden, but then he heard Felix call his name.

He was pale and shaking and hooked up to an IV, his face was bruised and his left hand was bandaged. He looked so relieved in that instant though. So openly relieved. There was nothing of his masks in place. 

“Oh thank fuck. Locus. Locus…” Felix pushed up in his bed and winced when he put his weight on his hand. “Ow…”

“What-- are you all right?” Locus asked slowly, Phyllis pushed him up to the bed and he held out his hands. Felix put his bandaged hand in them.

“It was Ross. It was Ross this whole time. It was Ross.” Felix babbled and shook and stared at their hands. “Fuck. Fuck Locus. He did it. To you. I’m sorry. It’s because of me. It’s because he wanted--”

“It is not your fault.” Locus said with finality and put a hand over Felix’s. “What someone else does, it’s not your fault. Even if they blame you. It’s not your fault.”

“He tried to kill you.” Felix’s voice sounded so small. 

“He didn’t.”

“He tried to kill me too.” Felix shifted on the bed so he could get closer to Locus. 

“He didn’t.” This time it hurt his heart to say. What would he have done? If Felix had died? While he was here? He couldn’t take it to think about it.

“Then he killed himself.” Felix hiccuped a little and bent over to lean his forehead against Locus’ hands. 

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry you had to go through that.” Locus felt like he couldn’t breath, he could feel tears hitting his hand as Felix curled up and trembled.

“...I ruined your shirt. I was wearing it. I’m sorry.”

He sighed slowly and shifted his hands so he could ease Felix up and wipe his cheeks. “I don’t care about my shirt. So long as you’re okay?”

“I’m not.” Felix gasped a little. “I might be later, though… maybe later.”

“Okay.” Locus leaned in and kissed Felix’s forehead gently. “That’s okay. You can be okay later.”

“Thank you.”


	8. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Staying in the hospital trying to sort things out

Felix slept deeply for most of the rest of the night, and then in patches throughout the next day. He’d panic at first, if he woke up alone or surrounded by strangers so eventually they let him stay in a room with Locus. The hospital beds weren’t large by any stretch, but they were bigger than their school bunks, and they’d managed to both curl up in _those_ before.

They both had injuries to be careful of so Felix curled up on Locus’ good side and rested his head on his shoulder. Once they were together, even if Felix stirred he simply made sure Locus was still there and fell back asleep. When he moved around, under nurse’s supervision, either to make sure he was all right or to simply go to the bathroom he was uncoordinated and off balance. 

It was deeply troubling to watch. Felix clung to his IV stand as he made sure each step landed in the correct spot, despite how badly he swayed. When they’d found out the drug used was something called zolpidem they had prescribed him a shot of something that was supposed to disperse it. Felix had nearly stopped breathing when they got close and gave him the shot.

He wasn’t dealing well with people. Most of them anyway. If he could he stayed glued to Locus’ side. It was almost childlike, the way he clung and wobbled and avoided looking at anyone. He really, really wasn’t dealing well.

Though Locus wasn’t sure what anyone would expect. They wouldn’t tell him all of what happened. Besides the knowledge that Felix had been attacked, that it had been Ross, and that Ross had killed himself, Locus was largely left in the dark. Part of that was because the police had become involved. Despite it being a suicide it was a bizarre situation, which put it under investigation. Locus wasn’t cleared to have all the information.

The other part was that Felix wasn’t talking. Not really. Not since Locus was first brought to him. He’d shouted and screamed if he’d woken alone, or if someone touched him without his permission, but he wasn’t talking. Not about anything. And especially not about the attack.

Locus didn’t know what had happened to his hand, or how his face had become so badly bruised, or any of the details of the attack. Ross had drugged Felix, and then during the night he had attacked. The bruises didn’t look fist-shaped but he had no way of really knowing. He didn’t even know in what _way_ Felix’s hand was injured. Felix just shook his head and tucked his face against Locus’ chest.

He supposed that was fair, at least for now. It was very public in the hospital, there were strangers and outsiders everywhere. Anyone could hear anything he said. And he wasn’t in his right mind. He didn’t put up his masks or his guards, if he answered questions he answered honestly with no evasion. Though mostly he just shrugged and looked away.

Locus knew the police were frustrated that they couldn’t get in contact with Felix’s mother, and he knew Felix was in no position to defend himself from her. Or deflect suspicion. Much as he wanted Felix out of that house, Felix didn’t need more trauma added to this situation. Neither of them did. 

The police, it seemed, had already fumbled in trying to question Felix when he’d arrived. It had been a strange situation and they’d jumped the gun. Felix was refusing to talk to them now, though as a minor he shouldn’t have to talk to them without guardian permission or supervision. Especially while he was still drugged and in shock.

One of the nurses had been furious with their attempts, and mentioned she was marking all this down in case Felix’s family decided to sue them for it, or needed in some way. Locus wasn’t entirely sure how it would be necessary, but he’d gotten used to adults who took advantage of children, especially in Charon. It was good to see someone stand up for them. 

“My hand hurts…” Felix mumbled against Locus’ chest as Locus stroked the hair at the back of his head. “And my head… my stomach is cramping.”

Locus continued to stroke Felix’s hair soothingly. “Do you want me to call someone?”

Felix paused to consider that, then shook his head. “I just hurt. I don’t wanna do anything about it. Pain pills make me fuzzy.”

Locus knew that well enough, he was on a few as was for his own injuries. He also understood perfectly well why Felix wouldn’t want to feel disorientated. Not while he was still fighting to get his mind back. 

“Is there anything you do want?” 

Felix considered that as well, it took him a while as if it was a very difficult question that needed solving. “Ginger ale? My mouth tastes very bad. And my stomach hurts. Maybe ginger ale.”

Locus hit the button to call the nurse. It was probably only supposed to be used for emergencies but neither of them were in much of a position to get up and get some help on their own. His own stomach wound made sitting up difficult. Walking was a long, painful, and _slow_ process. Besides that he didn’t want to let go of Felix. Felix didn’t take it well when he didn’t know where Locus was. And he tended to forget if Locus wasn’t holding onto him. He had been informed that Felix was having a very extreme reaction, it was likely that the dose he had been given was too large.

The nurse agreed to get a ginger ale and returned shortly with a glass to set on the wheeled table they had for food. “If you need anything else let us know. Supper should be coming soon too. Try and eat as much of that as you can. Both of you.”

If any of the nurses found their behaviour odd none of them commented. It was likely because of the traumatic nature of both of their injuries. People had odd ways of coping sometimes. And maybe two teenage boys in some sort of relationship wasn’t the strangest thing any of them saw. Either way he was grateful. He worried a lot less when he could keep an eye on Felix, and being near Locus seemed to settle Felix down a lot.

Felix adjusted the bed to sit up and then sipped the ginger ale slowly. He still looked pale and nervous, as if at every second something was creeping up on him. “They’re both dead…” He mumbled staring at his drink. Then he closed his eyes and whispered it again. 

“Felix?” Locus didn’t touch Felix while his eyes were closed, he didn’t want to startle him like that. 

“Ghosts can’t touch you.” Felix said quietly as he fiddle with his cup. “Because they’re not real. They can’t touch you.”

Locus watched Felix carefully, “Ross’ ghost?”

“And my uncle’s. They’re ghosts. And ghosts aren’t real.” Felix paused then shrugged a little bit. “So I guess… I guess I’m safe. If ghosts aren’t real. Then I’m safe.”

“You’re safe, Felix.” Locus murmured softly. That Ross and Felix’s uncle fell into the same category made Locus’ stomach turn. That was another piece added to the mystery of what had happened with Ross, then. “They can’t hurt you.”

“Right.” Felix nodded, he looked so dazed it hurt Locus to watch. “Right… They can’t hurt me.”

\---

“I wanna lawyer.” 

“Excuse me?”

Felix scowled at the officer, who looked confused and frustrated. “I want a lawyer.”

“You don’t need a lawyer, we’re just asking what happened. We have your mom’s permission to talk to you…” He was trying that coaxing, down-talking _thing_ adults do when they think kids are just being childish. Felix was particularly unimpressed. Especially since now he knew his mother knew something had gone down. That was another thing he’d have to deal with in the future.

“Okay but I want one. I have the right to one, don’t I? Aren’t those the rules?”

“You’re not under arrest. We just want to know what happened.” The officer sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You don’t need--”

“I want. A lawyer.” Felix crossed his arms carefully and leaned back against Locus. “The first time you just wanted to talk you did _not_ have parental permission, and I was under heavy influence of a _date rape drug_. If you would like to talk to me now, I would like to have a lawyer first. That is my _right_.”

The police officer made an annoyed, pinched sort of expression but nodded. “Fine.” He threw up his hands as if this was an extreme inconvenience and walked out the door.

They watched the door swing closed before Locus finally spoke. “Is it wise to annoy them like this?”

“A person is dead. Ross killed himself but if I make one wrong step they will very happily fuck me. As it is, once I have a lawyer, I could get most of the event thrown out because they tried to interview me last night. But I don’t want to risk anything.” Felix sighed. “Reputation isn’t on my side. If they want to twist things I could end up in a lot of trouble, I could say something I don’t even realise is a problem and end up in shit. They can be annoyed with me all they like but I want a goddamn lawyer.”

Locus stroked his hair gently. “Are you starting to remember more?” 

“Maybe. I don’t know. I remember things, and then there are fuzzy things, and I could probably sort it out, but I don’t want some asshole to use it to fuck me over. We don’t have any evidence. We threw away every gift and note he gave me. Except maybe the rose that’s still in the trash, but…” Felix shook his head. “I’m aware enough that this is a clusterfuck. I’m not going to be trapped into… I don’t know. Anything. This is all awful enough as is.”

He was breathing quickly again. Felix hated that, the slightest thing and suddenly he’s gasping for breath and freaking out. It was so stupid. He glared at his hands as they shook and tried to force himself to calm down.

“How are you going to get a lawyer?” Locus asked, his voice level as he continued to stroke his hair.

“I don’t know. My mother won’t fucking get me one, but maybe… I don’t know. If you can’t get one the government’s supposed to assign you one, right? That’s… that’s what they show on TV. I should be able to… something. I mean. If they aren’t arresting me I don’t have to do shit.” He chewed his thumbnail and mumbled irritably. “Fucking Ross. If he hadn’t. If he was… if he was fine this would just… but no he has to…”

“Felix.” Locus spoke softly and cupped his face in his hands. “It’s going to be all right. We’ll figure it out. And we don’t have to figure it out alone. Phyllis can probably help…”

“Right. And then she finds out, what, my mother’s neglectful, feels obligated to file a report and everything falls to shit.” Felix leaned into Locus’ touch and gasped for breath. “I’m surprised it hasn’t come up yet, really. Hah. How many normal families have this… ‘your son’s been assaulted and is in the hospital 15 minutes away’ and she stays home. That’s not. God she could at least pretend to be normal. Fuck.”

“I think we need to try talking to Phyllis. She seems to be a decent sort of adult. She could help.” Locus leaned his forehead against Felix’s and Felix tried to listen to how he was breathing. He tried to mimic it and get his own breathing under control. 

“Okay. Okay fine. We’ll try. I’ll try. God why did this have to become such a mess…”

Felix really preferred situations he could ignore. He wasn’t at his mother’s house? No problem. Now suddenly he had to deal with it all. And it put a risk on _everything_ falling down. Police investigations got serious. There was so much risk of everything going wrong. Everyone, even a teacher, saw him punch Ross in the face once. It hadn’t been abnormal or noticeable _then_ , but now? Now Ross had killed himself in _Felix’s_ room. They’d washed him off, who knows if they had bothered taking record of the proof of sexual assault. That could have just been wiped away while they scrubbed the blood and everything else off of him.

No one paid attention to Ross. Ross didn’t have a reputation because no one knew Ross. Felix was violent and sexual and a _problem_. It would be easy for someone to make Felix out to be the guilty party if he wasn’t careful. Ross probably had parents who cared about him. Ross went home to visit them on holidays. They could do anything from saying he murdered Ross to saying he goaded Ross into suicide, or bullied him or anything. Even if they didn’t win it would put so much attention on Felix… They’d have to investigate his home life. Try to talk to his mother. 

Even dead Ross was going to ruin his life. Felix felt like he was going to die. Everything was going to fall apart. All because of Ross. 

He clung to Locus and closed his eyes and tried to pretend any of this wasn’t happening. Something normal. Something nice. Something good.

“R-remember the hotel? W-we should go back next year. This summer. Maybe book a couple weeks instead of one. Haha maybe we’ll find a way to book the whole summer. I’ll try. We could just watch TV and eat takeout. And the bed. A-and…” He trailed off and leaned his head against Locus’ shoulder. “We can try sushi again. And that orange chicken stuff. I forgot what it’s called I’m sorry… but we could try that again. I liked it.”

Locus carefully wrapped his arms around Felix and kissed his temple gently. “We should do that. I would like that. What sorts of things do you want to do this summer?”

“A fair? We never got to find one. We should find a fair.” Each sentence was broken up with a painful gasp of air, but Felix forced himself to keep talking. If he was talking he was fine. He was okay. “I want to go to a pool again. Maybe if we have the whole summer we can go a few times and I can figure out swimming. I want to find more forest trails. Maybe we can try camping? I don’t know where we would do that but it always looks interesting. A-and food. I want to try more food. All sorts of food we haven’t tried yet. Shitty food and classy food and street vendors and restaurants you have to wear a suit to. I wanna try those fancy looking cakes again, all different flavours. I wanna get fat this summer.”

“Then we’ll try and get you fat this summer.” Locus said softly, though he didn’t seem to believe that was possible. Felix had gained weight since he started eating, though, so it wasn’t _impossible_. Even if he was still smaller than almost anyone at their school. He couldn’t count his ribs anymore. 

“You have no faith in me. I can get fat if I want to.” Felix knew his laugh sounded more like a panicked hiccup than anything else but he pretended it was normal. “I-it’ll be great. We’ll top last year. We’ll have days where we just take naps. Just all day. Because there’s nothing to rush for. It’ll be great.”

“It will. We’ll get through this year and then we’ll take the whole summer. It will be great.”

“God it’s not even Christmas yet.” Felix hiccuped again and pressed his face against Locus’ shoulder. “How’d this all get so fucked up?”

Locus rubbed his back lightly. “We’ll get through it. Just think about summer for now, and we’ll get through it.”

Felix nodded and tried to do as he was told, but he was starting to remember what it sounded like when Ross died. And it made him want to scream.


	9. Rumours Spread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Returning to school brings its own problems

“The only room big enough for both of you that isn’t occupied is in the Grade 12 dorm. So you’re going to have to deal with everyone being a little older than you.” As far as members of the faculty went, the office secretary Ms Lance was fairly decent. She didn’t stick her nose into things or make like her job was a huge hassle. Felix didn’t really trust her, but she was better than a lot of adults as far as he was concerned. She led them to their new room, which it turned out was a little bigger than their old one. 

Locus sat down as soon as they got in, and Felix understood that walking around was a lot of work for him right now. That ate at him. He hated that Locus was hurt, and hurt just because he’d gotten too close to Felix.

Their old room was still under investigation by the police, and neither of them had any particular desire to return to it. Thankfully they hadn’t needed to. They didn’t have much of their things, because the police weren’t letting anything out of the room, but they had somewhere to sleep. Locus wasn’t up to classes anyway. If he’d had a home to go back to, Locus would probably be recovering there. 

Felix felt kind of bad that he was glad Locus was staying here. He felt better with Locus there. Even if it meant Locus had to recover in this shit hole. He really was that selfish it turned out.

Felix fell back onto his new bed with a sigh. “Well the beds are a little bigger. There’s a bonus.”

“Maybe I’ll finally have legroom.” Locus’ smile was a little strained. His side was hurting and he was trying to soldier through it.

“Check it out. Maybe you can get a nap in before anyone asks us to do anything.” Felix got up and started making Locus’ bed so he could lie in it. It was easy, somehow, to find little things to focus on. Think only about making the bed and not about Ross. 

Maybe it would have been easier if he cared more. He felt guilty that Locus was hurt. He had stupid irrational fear to fight with. But mostly he was just angry. He was angry he had been put in this position, that Ross had hurt _Locus_ because of him. He was angry that he was so afraid. But he didn’t… care. Ross was dead, and it felt like that should weigh on him more, but it didn’t.

Maybe he really was defective. Someone kills themselves over you, you should care, right? All Felix could manage was anger and fear. “Do you think hearing someone die would qualify a person to see a thestral?”

“ _Felix_.” 

“I’m just asking. I mean… hearing is a sort of witnessing. That’s the rule right? Witnessing death or something.” Felix focused on setting up the pillows so Locus could lie down the right way. 

Locus very slowly put his hands on Felix’s shoulders and turned him around. “Felix.”

“I’m fine. How are you? You’re looking kind of pale you probably should lie down. I know they aren’t supposed to let us have food in the dorms anymore but they could probably make an exception--”

“Felix. Stop.” Locus cupped his face. “You’re shaking again.”

Felix looked down at his hands to see it was true, he balled them into fists. “I’m. Dealing. I’m totally dealing. It’s. I just need to find out if someone’s going to try and sue me for being attacked or something. Otherwise I’m great. I’ll be great. Thestrals, right? Do you think I’d be able to see one? If they were real, I mean. Like they’d be pretty cool right?”

He wasn’t dealing. And Locus was too good at seeing through him. Too good. Kaylee would see it too, but Kaylee wouldn’t say anything. Locus would want to help Felix deal with it. Help him get better. And somehow that was terrifying in itself. Felix kept doing stupid shit, kept getting himself in trouble. And it was _fine_ when it was just getting himself into trouble. But now Locus was getting dragged down with him. Locus had been doing well before Felix had happened to him. He’d had good grades, a promising future, no huge emotional drama. Now he was getting stabbed. And not only was he stabbed and injured and in horrible pain, he was asking if Felix was all right.

What was he supposed to do about that? It may not technically be his fault Ross did what he did, but if Felix had handled the situation better? If Felix had listened to Locus maybe, talked to someone, not written such a provocative note? Maybe Locus wouldn’t be hurt and Ross wouldn’t be dead. If Felix wasn’t such a fuck up all of this might not have happened.

“You should probably talk to someone about it… hearing someone die. You should probably--”

“Oh fuck no. What go to a counsellor? Like that’s going to help _anything_. Especially the worry someone might fucking throw me in goddamn jail. The last thing he fucking said before he killed himself was that he _loved_ me. I’m not sharing that. I’m not dealing with that. You know how someone could twist that? He just loved me. He just didn’t know how to show it. And I hit him and I bullied him and I’m the reason he’s dead. Because he loved me. He just loved me so much. I’m not talking to _anyone_. I’ll _deal_.” Felix shook his head and covered his face with his hands. “No. No. Now? Now you are going to lie down and I’m going to see if the cafeteria has something you can eat so you can take your pills and then I’m going to figure out how I’m going to go to class with no access to my textbooks or my uniforms.”

Locus sighed and kissed his forehead oh so fucking gently. “If you want to count it as witnessing then I think you can see a thestral. If they were real.”

“ _Thank you_.” Felix huffed and swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to ignore the pain behind his eyes. “Now lie down before you collapse. You giant. See if you fit in the new beds.”

\---

Locus was in more pain than he wanted to admit. The take-home pills were less effective than the medications he’d been given in the hospital and every movement pulled at _something_. It was always the case, you never knew how much you use something until you can’t. In this case it was a lot of his core muscles. It hurt to stand, to sit up too long, to roll over in bed, to lie the wrong way in bed… it went on and on. He was getting behind in his studies because he could only sit and work on his homework for so long. It seemed every half hour he needed a break. 

The pain pills made him tired, but without them he could barely breathe without the dull throbbing ache becoming a sharp nightmare. 

He hated it. TV and books had given him a very skewed timeframe for the recovery rate of stab wounds. Even if it had only been a week it seemed like he should be better than this by now. If it hadn’t hit organs he shouldn’t be dealing with this much. But he supposed it probably _did_ hit muscle. He didn’t have a whole lot of fatty padding when it came to the waist area… or anywhere really. 

He was used to being able to work out in his free time, now he just felt sluggish. He wasn’t used to feeling like this at all. He was used to being strong, and fit and… not this. Not weak and tired and sick. 

Worse yet every time he saw Locus struggle Felix got a flicker of a pained expression before he jumped in to help. If Locus didn’t know how to read him he wouldn’t have seen it, but there it was. Felix still blamed himself. Despite everything. He blamed himself for what Ross did. Maybe if Ross had survived it would have been easier to blame him for his own actions, but there was a little bit of something dirty in blaming a dead person for anything. Especially since Ross had been their age. He had been a teenager. Practically a child in the eyes of society. All anyone could do was view it as a tragedy.

Locus and Felix had survived. To some people it didn’t matter that Ross had been the one to cause all of it, Locus and Felix had survived it. Ross hadn’t. Somehow that gave him status as a victim. That made the survivors the ones at fault. 

Felix caught the brunt of it. People who barely even knew Ross had labeled Felix his murderer. High school was where facts went to die, and Felix was doing what he did best… either ignoring it or picking a fight with it. 

Neither of these options helped prove his innocence to the student body.

Suddenly people who never spoke to him were bursting into tears at the idea of Ross and his pain. His roommate seemed to have known Ross had feelings for Felix, and so the rumours morphed until Felix had become a monster, breaking Ross’ heart and causing his death.

They didn’t seem to know exactly how to fit Locus into the narrative. The people who bothered him most were the ones who tried to say that Felix had stabbed him and blamed it on Ross. There was no grounds for it, but if people were determined to make Felix a villain, that’s how Locus could fall into place. With people who had a better grip on reality Locus was simply Felix’s lover who Ross had been jealous of. It was still technically wrong but it was fairly close to reality. The fact that some people found that to be sympathetic still was… disturbing.

Anthony had been right, once, when he’d suggested that a lot of people found this sort of thing romantic, there seemed to be a trend of people thinking Ross’ death was tragically heartbreaking, like something out of a romance novel. 

Felix was quick to point out that none of them had ever spoken to Ross before. Ross was extremely antisocial, and no one really knew him. That just seemed to make it easier though, they could assign whatever trait to him they wanted in order to fit their personal version of the story.

“Everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten the part where he told everyone I was a whore.” Felix sighed heavily as he lay back on his bed. “Or you know all of the other facts. Like this is fucking Romeo and Juliet or something. There was a drugged sleep and a stabbing, that’s about as close as we’re getting. Ugh. I wish it would all go away.”

“Hopefully eventually everyone will be distracted by something else again soon?” Locus offered tiredly. He hated the way the pain meds made him feel, but he hated the pain more. “Security is still cracking down on everyone, eventually people will have more to talk about again.”

Felix groaned and covered his face with a pillow. “I know. Technically. Mostly. This is just so. Ugh. I have a meeting with Hargrove in a bit. And it’s probably because of this. And it’s just… so much I don’t want to deal with. Like I have to deal with what actually happened and now I also have to deal with everyone’s fairytale of what happened.”

Locus winced, in general it was never a good thing to be called to see the principal, Felix had a habit of responding to authority figures… badly. “Try not to pick a fight.”

“Oh fuck you.” Felix laughed. “If there’s a fight, he started it.”

“Mmhm.”

\---

“I’m sure you’re aware of why you’re here.” Hargrove was sitting behind his desk looking… a little like someone had melted a mannequin honestly. It was a little hard to read expressions on the guy, except probably annoyance. Annoyance seemed a good bet.

“Yup.” Felix sighed, it was tempting to try and joke instead of letting Hargrove have all the power but… someone was dead. Even if Felix didn’t care about Ross, he knew it was inappropriate. 

“I’ve been looking through your file. This is hardly the first… _incident_ you’ve been involved in. You started your time here with violence almost immediately.” Hargrove flicked open a folder. “Detentions, hospital visits… there are quite a few write ups of intoxication.”

Felix made a face, there were maybe two. He didn’t get drunk that often, and even then he got caught even less.

“You can see why this could be concerning. A history of violence, lewd behaviour, and substance abuse.”

“Okay, seriously _everyone_ gets into brawls here. And lewd behaviour? What?” Felix sat up in his chair with a jolt.

“A box of condoms was removed from your room when we did our initial sweep, it was partially used. You made no secret to the students or staff of your many… dalliances. And then there was a rather pervasive rumour that circulated about your trading sexual favours for money. Which, may I add, is a crime.” Hargrove narrowed his eyes, his eyebrows were greying and nearly invisible but they drew together in frustration.

“That was bullshit! People talking behind my back isn’t my fault!”

“Never the less it seemed that quite a few people found it easy to believe. Underage drinking, promiscuous and inappropriate behaviour, violent actions. It calls some recent events into question.”

Felix felt like his heart stopped beating, he stared at Hargrove for a long moment before he could even think of what to say. “You think this is _my_ fault.”

“I think, that despite what you say it would be very easy to look at this situation as your usual behaviours gone too far. The abuse of mind altering substances, sexual activity, then violence. It is not unusual, is it, for you to share a bed with one of many other boys in this school?”

“I- you.” Felix was having a hard time breathing. “I don’t do drugs. I’ve gotten drunk a few times, but I don’t _do drugs_. I didn’t dose _myself_. I didn’t… I didn’t want him in my bed. I--”

“Perhaps, but you must be aware of how it looks. Zolpidem is often abused recreationally, you’ve hardly shied away from sexual activity. Why I even have it on record that you took up a day of the nurse’s time, used school resources in a way, to attend a clinic. You were prescribed an antibiotic for… what was it? Syphilis?”

Felix felt his cheeks go hot as he stared at Hargrove. “Those are my private medical files. You can’t just go through them. And that has nothing to do with this.”

“Does it not? It is very easy to look at this like you invited that young man into your bed, decided to get high, and in your delusion resorted to your usual sort of violence.” Hargrove flipped the file closed, his voice hard and angry. “You would agree it would be easy to see the situation as such.”

“ _No_ I would not agree to that. I could barely _move_. _He_ drugged _me_ without my knowledge. He tried to _kill_ me.” Felix gripped the arms of the chair to keep it from being obvious he was shaking, it made his hand throb painfully but it helped keep him grounded. “I didn’t do any of these things. I didn’t want Ross in my bed. I told him to leave me alone. I told him over and over.”

“This would be one of the situations where you _punched_ him?”

“Yes. Fine. He was grabbing at me. I _told_ him to leave me alone. I _talked_ first. I talked multiple times. This isn’t fair.” There were too many witnesses to that for Felix to deny it. 

“Things are rarely fair, Felix. But this situation looks very bad for this school. This degree of violence. I simply want to remind you that it would be very easy to see things a different way.” Hargrove gestured to the file and held out his hands as if it had been a demonstration. “For example if you were to go to the school board, there are quite a few ways to make it clear who is truly responsible.”

“You’re… what you’re _blackmailing_ me? So I… I wasn’t going to fucking talk about this anyway. I just want to fucking forget about it.”

“I am, of course, not blackmailing anyone. I simply wanted to make you aware of how the situation could look. If we happened to release information. It could look very bad for you.” Hargrove shook his head and then patted his file lightly. “But, if you do intend to keep quiet and move on, then I don’t see why we should have a problem.”

Felix stared at him, knuckles white as he gripped the chair and stammered for words. “I. I have no intention of bringing this up ever again, if I can.”

“Good, good. Then there’s nothing to worry about.” Hargrove smiled casually as if they had just had a quick polite discussion. “Also, I should remind you, it is mandatory at this time for you to make an appointment with the school counsellor. You must see him at least once. Be sure to set something up, would you?”

Felix hesitated a moment then jerkily got to his feet. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Good. This has been a good talk, Felix.” Hargrove waved him off dismissively. “Oh, and one more thing. Please do something about your hair before I see you next.”

“Right.”


	10. Not A Good Victim

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix was never good at inspiring sympathy

“Abbey, did they confiscate the razor you used to use to help me trim the sides of my hair?” Felix poked at his food and tried to ignore the fact that people were _still fucking staring at him_. At some point he would stop being so fucking interesting. 

Either that or he was going to get a ‘The Boy Who Lived’ sweater just to really piss people off. It seemed like a toss up right now, did he want to disappear or did he want to pick a fight. Disappearing was seeming less and less like an option but…

But he was going to be better. For Locus. He was pretty sure he’d decided that. Though it was becoming more and more difficult the more people whispered and stared and called him a murderer.

“Uh… no actually. I still have it. They keep on your case about your hair?” Abbey gave him a sympathetic look as he sighed dramatically.

“Hargrove’s pissed at me. Which I mean, school this size and the principal himself’s decided to be pissed at me personally. Definitely an accomplishment, right?” Felix rolled his eyes and leaned back in his chair. “But I think if I put it off anymore they’re just gonna pin me down and chop it off.”

It did seem like a real possibility that security might do something like that, they were not tiptoeing around student’s bullshit. Especially not since Ross gave them an excuse to take total control. Normally he would have fought tooth and nail until the end, but the idea of being pinned down by anyone… Felix didn’t like admitting he was afraid. But it freaked him out. He didn’t want to be forcibly _anything_ ever again. So he supposed that meant he lost this round.

“We can cut it after school then if y’ want. I still got some black hair dye too if you don’t wanna go super short.” Abbey smiled softly as she offered. 

“Cool. That sounds great. Sucks enough I gotta cut it at least I can keep some kind of style.” Felix sighed and picked his sandwich apart. “I had it so long, too. It’s cool.”

“Right. Cool is definitely the word I’d pick for that style.” Kaylee said dryly. She was still just wearing her hair in a ponytail. Apparently since she couldn’t have any styling tools but a hairbrush she just didn’t bother anymore. Felix was used to it now though. The only reason it felt wrong was because it wasn’t her choice.

“I am extremely stylish excuse you.” Felix stuck out his tongue at her and almost felt normal for a minute there. 

\---

“I’m still super hot though, right?” Felix lay on his bed pulling at his very short hair, it was a tasteful sort of caesar cut, and back to his natural black.

Locus couldn’t help but think it looked odd on him, he was so used to the chunk of bleached hair swept back into a bun. “Of course.”

“Ugh. Whatever when we graduate I can dye my hair whatever colour I want. And Hargrove can have a fucking ulcer or something I don’t know. Whatever old nitpicky assholes do.” Felix was wearing the hoodie Locus had gotten him for Christmas last year, so clearly it was bothering him more than he wanted to let on.

Though, Felix had been spending a lot of time in the hoodie. Locus had grown to recognise it as something like a security blanket. Whenever Felix felt shaky he put it on, Locus wasn’t even sure Felix knew how obvious he was being about it. Locus never brought it up, just kept note of when Felix put it on. 

He liked it, in a way, that his gift made Felix feel a little more safe. He rarely took off his own watch or ring, the little reminders that Felix was in his life now made him feel more secure too. 

He hadn’t told Felix how he felt yet. It had seemed very important, but now all Locus could think was that the last thing Ross had said was that he loved Felix. That’s what Felix would think of now. Locus didn’t want to associate himself with that memory. He wanted to tell Felix so Felix would feel loved, not feel even more traumatised than he already was. At this point telling Felix that he loved him would be selfish, and he thought that love was probably not supposed to be selfish. Love was supposed to be about the other person, not yourself. At least he thought so. So an act of love shouldn’t be entirely about making himself feel better.

So his feelings remained a secret. Or as much of a secret as they could be. Kaylee and Abbey and even Anthony had pointed out that he’d been obvious. But then it hadn’t been love. Not in the way he felt now. Then it had been… affection, protection, longing… lust probably too. Now those feelings had bundled together into something else. Romantic love. Maybe family love… He loved Felix and wanted him to be his family.

Sometimes he remembered that Felix had bought him a wedding ring and just laughed and blushed. When he was alone. When no one could see him. He knew Felix hadn’t bought it as a wedding ring but sometimes Locus felt a little silly and thought about the possibilities. Their relationship hardly progressed in a normal way, sex and kissing and casual touch long before feelings or emotional boundaries. But he figured this was probably exactly what a crush was supposed to feel like. Intense and deep and a little overwhelming at times. But even if he didn’t want Felix sexually or romantically he would still love him. Because Felix made his life better.

Even if Felix didn’t see it. Felix seemed to only see everything that had gone wrong. But Locus knew better. Locus had nightmares sometimes of what it was like before Felix. Before people talked to him, or touched him, or cared about him. 

If someone had stabbed Locus two years ago no one would have noticed. He would have died alone on his floor and been buried alone. Maybe someone would have felt obligated to go to his funeral, but likely it would have been a little, handled by the state thing. He’d never stayed in a house long enough to have a family. He’d never spoken to anyone long enough to have friends.

And then Felix had… exploded into his life. He’d take a stab wound over a world without Felix any day.

“You okay, man?” Felix had moved from the bed to press his hand against Locus’ forehead. “You’re kinda spacing on me. You feeling all right? Or as close to as can be expected?”

“As close as can be expected.” Locus smiled and blushed a little. “Pain pills make me… a little dreamy, I guess.”

“You need to lie down? Remember the doctors said not to push yourself too hard.” Felix tucked a stray hair out of Locus’ face and smiled softly. “The teachers will give you room to catch up, and you’ll get a tutor to get you all settled back in when you can handle it…”

“I’ll be okay. I’m sorry. I’m just a little distracted.” 

“I know, I can be extremely distracting. It’s a terrible curse I have to live with.” Felix grinned and fell back onto his bed. “No one can pay attention to anything else when I’m in the room. I’m simply too dazzling.”

“A tragedy indeed.”

“Maybe it’s a good thing they made me cut my hair, otherwise absolutely no one would get any work done around here.”

“It’s a wonder we’ve managed as long as we have.”

\---

Felix’s lawyer was handling a lot of the legal matters on her own. Felix was ‘lucky’ because he wasn’t officially charged with anything, and he was still a minor. Investigations had turned up Ross’ journals, which had turned out to be pretty damning. He’d kept a log of every gift and letter he’d given. As well as of Felix’s various activities that he’d been watching. And things he’d stolen.

Which was… awful. Felix hadn’t even noticed, but Ross had stolen various little things, underwear, socks, used bottles… Things Felix either hadn’t missed or had simply thought he’d lost. Finding out Ross had a small hoard of his boxers made Felix want to throw up. But it made things easier too. Healthy people didn’t steal other people’s underwear. Or listen at the door while they had sex. Or write out a hit list of people who had ‘touched’ what was ‘theirs’. 

It was becoming easier and easier for the lawyer to argue that there was nothing Felix could have done about Ross’ sickness. As a ‘child’ himself, Felix had no way of knowing what was wrong or how to fix it. He didn’t have any legal responsibility to turn in bad love letters. And as Felix had pointed out, he’d had no idea it _was_ Ross until _that night_.

Ross’ family were still… sort of a problem. They were in a tight situation, and they were obviously grieving their son. If Felix was a better person he’d be more understanding of that. But he couldn’t think of any of it without a cold wave of fear washing over him, he couldn’t escape that night in his mind. Sometimes when it was quiet he could hear Ross dying. 

If Felix was a better victim it would be easier to sell it as all Ross’ fault, but Felix was an asshole. Everyone knew he was an asshole. He’d never done anything in his life to make people think he _wasn’t_ an asshole. 

With a rich mother. Who wouldn’t want to sue an asshole with a rich mother? Felix didn’t entirely blame them. He’d seen it coming. But they didn’t really have a legal leg to stand on. The facts were the facts. Ross had stalked and harassed Felix until he finally drugged, assaulted and attempted to murder him. He’d used half a pair of broken scissors to stab Locus, and the same broken tool to try and kill Felix, then finally kill himself. The other half of the scissors was still in Ross’ room. There were pills hidden in the vent in his room that had turned out to be zolpidem. 

It was Ross’ fault. 

They’d still called him a murderer and Ross’ mother had still hit him and they’d still tried to find some way to make it his fault.

Felix didn’t care though. His lawyer wanted to know if he wanted to press charges in turn, for anything. But mostly he just wanted it to be over. He didn’t even care that Ross’ mother had hit him. He’d hit him too, honestly. He couldn’t find it in him to be sympathetic to them. He couldn’t imagine them seeing him as anything but hateful. He didn’t blame them. Felix wasn’t a good victim.

Someone had vandalised his dorm room door. In bright green paint it said ‘MURDERER’ and ‘SLUT’. He wondered if he was going to get in trouble for that too. It was a little strange to see ‘slut’ though. He called himself that all the time, but it was usually an insult between girls. Maybe it was different for boys who fucked other boys. Either way it seemed a little out of place. He’d always been a slut, and no one’d felt the need to label him with paint before.

He picked at it and sighed, he didn’t even know how they’d gotten the paint when Abbey had gotten in trouble for having some out of the classroom. Abbey was one of the kindest and least threatening people he’d ever met, if she was forbidden paint he couldn’t see anyone else being allowed it.

But then again no one went through legal channels to commit a crime. They’d probably stolen the paint. 

Remarkable how much people cared about people they’d never spoken to before. It wasn’t like Ross had a group of friends to be violently grieving. It was people desperate to be part of the story. It was a little sick. They didn’t really care that someone died, just that they could have an excuse to hurt someone. A reason to be in the limelight. Someone had something touching to say about how they always thought blah blah blah…

He wondered how sympathetic they’d be to Ross if they’d been there to see him pin Felix down and hump his leg while Felix was too delirious to do anything. But Felix didn’t have any interest in sharing that. He didn’t want to tell anyone anything about that night.

Felix wasn’t a good victim.

No one felt sorry for him, and most of the time he was fine with that. He just wished everyone would go back to leaving him alone.

“How was your meeting?” Locus asked as he pushed the door open.

“They don’t have anything to charge me with so I’m mostly clear.” Felix said dully, he was too tired to be sarcastic. Spending the afternoon being screamed at by Ross’ parents had taken everything out of him. He’d worn his school uniform instead of a suit, which he didn’t have, and stripped out of it now as he kicked the door closed. 

He’d needed a lot of new uniforms. He never put anything away properly. Anything on the floor had gotten Ross’ blood stained into it. He was sure his mother was pleased to have to pay for that.

“That’s good news?” Locus pushed himself very carefully out of his chair. 

“Yeah. They wanna know if I wanna press charges, but I just want it to be over. You? I mean you were--”

“Ross is dead. I don’t really see a point in charging someone else for what he did…” Locus cupped his face so gently and frowned at the red mark from where Ross’ mother’d hit him.

“Yeah, I kinda figured. I feel the same. This was shit enough as is. Hopefully it can just… go away.” Felix sighed and leaned into Locus’ touch. It was so grounding. He could smell Locus, feel his heat, and it was something like home. “Gonna get in trouble for the door, aren’t we?”

“Probably…” Locus sighed. “I was asleep when it happened.”

“That’s fine. I’ll deal with it when it comes. Or ask Abbey how to remove it. She’d probably know, huh?” Felix pulled on his hoodie and some sweatpants and fell back onto his bed. 

“First it looks like you could use a nap.” Locus said dryly.

Felix reached up for him, he didn’t care if he looked pathetic or childish, only Locus was looking at him. Locus could see the real him, that was okay. “Lie down with me?”

Locus smiled and crawled into the bunk beside him. Felix moved Locus’ arms so they were wrapped around him and curled up on his good side. 

“We’ll get through this.” Locus kissed the top of his head and Felix felt himself relax finally.

“Yeah. Yeah… with you I can get through anything.” Felix mumbled against Locus’ chest before he drifted off.


	11. Making Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Present may suck, but the future's looking a little brighter

“So how would you describe your feelings at this time?” The counsellor asked, his tone soft and soothing. It made Felix feel a little like he was a bomb about to go off, that needed to be handled gently.

“Annoyed.”

“Felix. You know you won’t get anything from these sessions if you don’t answer honestly.”

“I am. I am _honestly_ annoyed.” Felix bunched up and leaned back in his chair. The counsellor, Mr Price, gazed at him from across his desk and sighed.

“Felix, it’s important to get your feelings out in the open. You can’t begin to deal with them if you don’t first identify them.” Price was a very soft spoken man, even quiet tones. It wasn’t quite monotonous, just… even. Very, very even. Everything said was carefully measured and considered before it made it out loud. 

Felix could appreciate the calculation, but it was unnerving. Kaylee was calculating, but Felix knew her, Price… Price was a mystery. Felix wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted.

Except to talk about feelings apparently. Which… this was the third time he had had to come speak to the man so he should really just have prepared himself for disappointment. Felix had been told he’d only have one mandatory meeting. But apparently an hour of glaring at Price from across the desk did not a meeting make. So another had been assigned. And another.

“Not really. I’m dealing fine. You will note that my schoolwork remains unchanged--”

“You are not doing your schoolwork.”

“Which is completely unchanged from before the incident.” Felix held out his hands dismissively. “Look, Price, you’re wasting your time. It’s fine, I’m dealing. I’m not gonna go fucking crazy and bring more shame to the school or whatever Hargrove’s really worried about. It was a fucked up night but hey it’s over.” 

“You realise that’s not actually how someone who was dealing with this issue properly would sound like, don’t you?” Price raised an eyebrow slowly and Felix sighed.

“So what am I supposed to do, get some waterworks going and break apart? That’s not helping anyone. I’m not in danger anymore. The fucked up bullshit that was that night is over with. Whatever else comes of it I’ve got a handle on.” Felix made a face and ran his hands over his much too short hair. “So… I’m annoyed. Right now. That’s my feelings. I’m annoyed I’m going through this bullshit even though I don’t need to and I’d really just like to go take a nap. How’s that?”

Price sighed and took down a couple notes. “How about this, how is your hand healing?”

“It’s itchy, mostly. Got the stitches out the other day. Which is always, you know, ugh. But still it’s itchy. Like cuts tend to do at this stage. So I guess that’s a great metaphor or something. It’s annoying. Just like this is annoying.”

“You took creative writing last year, didn’t you?” Price looked up from his notes. “Does that seem like a way you would like to try working through this? You could write it as a story, impose your feelings onto a character--”

“My feelings of being annoyed.” Felix said dully.

“Whatever your feelings are. It might be a worthwhile exercise. Sometimes it’s difficult to give ourselves permission to feel what we’re actually feeling, but we can assign it to someone else. If you were writing a character who had gone through what you had, what would they be feeling right now?” Price set his pen down and studied Felix in a way that made Felix feel… inhuman. Like he was a particularly interesting mold growing in a petri dish.

No wonder everyone was fucked up if the school counselor was so fucking weird.

“Seriously. What, think about all of that shit again, just so I could write you a little fantasy story about feelings? _Definitely_ gonna pass on that one, doc.” Felix shook his head then gave the man a sarcastic grin. “What next, you gonna try prescribing me a sedative?”

“Felix.” Price sighed again and shook his head. “I’m not a psychiatrist, I can’t prescribe you anything. And yes I know you’re trying to be provocative. But working through an issue is the only way to heal it. Pretending it doesn’t exist, pretending it didn’t happen… It’s just going to fester. It will be painful to relive it, yes, but--”

“No buts. There’s no reason to relive it. It’s not a repressed memory I need to dig up. It happened, it was fucked up, that’s why things _are_ fucked up.” Felix shrugged. “Tada. Easy math. I don’t need to go back to that night to know it was a bad thing that happened to me. I get that. I’m not _confused_. I just want it to _go away_. I want to stop talking about it. I want you to stop talking about it. I want other people to stop talking about it. It doesn’t need to come up again. I’ll be _fine_ if it could maybe just _go away_.”

Price was quiet for a few moments before he spoke. “It sounds as if you have a lot of anger about everything that’s come of this. We should--”

“Jesus fucking christ. No. Actually we shouldn’t anything. This was supposed to be one mandatory session. Now it’s been three, we’ve gotten no where except you’ve wasted my time and I don’t care.” Felix shook his head and got to his feet. “I’m leaving. Stop scheduling me for these fucking meetings. I’ve come to the mandatory meeting. I’m good. I’m done. Have a nice day.”

Price didn’t protest as Felix stormed out of his office, just continued taking notes. 

\---

“So, it’s like a month until Christmas.” Kaylee made a face as she stirred her soup. “I have an idea. My parents have a cabin. Like out in the mountains and stuff. They said I could use it over winter. So how about we all just do Christmas break there?”

Felix blinked and stared at her a second as Abbey squealed. “Wait for real a real fucking cabin? Like in the woods. For Christmas. Like a goddamn fucking Christmas card.” Felix put down his fork and narrowed his eyes to try and see if she was bullshitting them.

“Like a fucking Christmas card.” Kaylee drawled as Abbey hugged her.

“Your parents would let you have three teenage boys with you in a cabin. Alone?” Locus furrowed his brow skeptically. He’d finally healed enough that he could make at least lunch hour trips outside their room. 

“Well I told them you’re both gay, and Anthony is…” She trailed off and looked at Anthony who shrugged. “Equally uninterested?”

“We’ll go with that.” Anthony wrinkled his nose and took a bite of his pasta.

“Plus so long as I don’t get knocked up or whatever they honestly don’t give a fuck. Though in general please don’t fuck in the cabin that’ll just be weird.” Kaylee rolled her eyes and reached to flick her hair before remembering it was in a ponytail. “Anyway it’ll probably be like DVDs and board games and stuff but it probably beats staying here.”

“Oh that sounds so much fun! What’s the cabin like? Does it have a bathroom? Does it have a fireplace?” Abbey was positively bouncing in her seat. 

“It has a bathroom and some sort of water system. I think my dad can show me how to turn it on, so no, no outhouses. And yeah it has a pretty huge fireplace. Which is good because sometimes the electricity goes out. It’s pretty good and spacious and shit. A master bedroom, and then another smaller one with bunkbeds, so we’ll set up an air mattress in the living room. so seriously don’t fuck in the cabin. It would be weird.” Kaylee smiled as Abbey hugged her around the shoulders.

“That sounds fucking awesome.” Felix was pretty close to bouncing too. A Christmas card style Christmas. “What’s the catch? Like there’s gotta be something…”

“No booze allowed. They’ll be doing a sweep before turning over the keys. So like I said it’ll be a pretty tame party.” Kaylee shrugged. “But still better than Charon’s ultra-security.”

“No booze we can handle.” Felix grinned at Locus. “Have you ever done anything like this?”

“No, I haven’t been to a cabin before…” Locus admitted. “It sounds really amazing. How’d you convince your parents to be on board with this?”

“Aced my finals last year.” Kaylee shrugged. She was lying but Felix kind of suspected the real answer was ‘pity party’ so he was content with that. “Though. You. Do you have a winter coat yet?”

Felix blinked as Kaylee pointed at him. “Nnnooo?” 

“You. Take him to get some goddamn winter clothes before Christmas. Understood?” She pointed at Locus who gave a lazy salute. “Good. Then it’s settled. We’ll do Christmas in the mountains.”

“Are we doin’ presents?” Abbey squeaked, clutching her face with excitement. “Oh please, please let’s do presents. And. And. Cookies and. All that shit. Is there a kitchen? We could try and put together a whole Christmas dinner.”

“Oh I learned how to make a bunch of that in home ec.” Felix grinned, excited despite himself. His second ever Christmas and it was going to be fucking amazing. “We could totally do it. If there’s a kitchen.”

“There’s a kitchen. I’ll talk to my parents about stocking the freezer.” Kaylee smiled watching them get excited. 

Talk quickly devolved into what was acceptable Christmas food and what was just weird shit from movies. Locus shot Kaylee a grateful look and she shrugged a little and rolled her eyes.

\---

Locus still wasn’t able to keep up with a full class schedule, but he was doing his best to keep up his grades. His teachers said he was doing well despite the barriers, but despite just meant he wasn’t actually doing very well. It was hard working out all the problems without having been there to learn how they were supposed to be done. He had about two months until finals and he had no idea if he was going to be able to keep up. Maybe he’d pass, but he wouldn’t get the kind of grades he’d need if he wanted to go looking for scholarships. 

He was going to be signing up for a tutor at the beginning of next week. The school had offered the service for free instead of at a charge due to his circumstances. He hoped that with help he’d be able to make up for what he’d missed. He longed for his notes when it came to solving problems. He needed something to reference and the textbook was always too sparse and oddly worded.

Felix stormed into the room dripping wet. 

“What--” 

“I’m getting a change of clothes and taking a shower. Continue studying.” Felix waved the question off and grabbed some sweats and his shower basket. He was shivering and red with cold, but he stomped out of the room as quickly as he’d come and Locus didn’t get a chance to ask.

He paused for a moment, wondering if he should follow before deciding that if Felix wanted to explain he would, and he really didn’t need help taking a shower. So he returned to trying to figure out how any of the many graphing formulae made sense. He hated problems where the answers were open or on a scale or unsure. Math was supposed to be precise, and here was what seemed like a load of guesswork. 

He was starting to consider taking a nap when Felix finally returned. “So what happened?”

“Assholes.” Felix sighed and hung his freshly dried uniform in the closet. He’d been a lot more careful about how he tended to his uniforms lately. “Dumped water on me and locked me outside. If they could go back to forgetting me that would be great.”

“They _what_.” Locus’ eyebrows raised and Felix waved him off.

“It’s a bunch of random assholes. They’re part of the ‘murderer’ crowd. There’s nothing to do about it so I’m just gonna huddle in some blankets for a bit. You’re welcomed to come join me if you’d like?” Felix forced a smile and started pulling apart his blanket nest to climb into.

Locus paused, thinking on Felix’s point before getting up. “I had been considering a nap.”

“Excellent, your body heat will be an appreciated contribution to the cause.” Felix gestured for Locus to climb in so Felix could crawl around him and avoid his bad side. Despite the shower he was still cold and shivering. Locus pulled the blankets up around them and wrapped Felix in his arms.

“Hopefully after Christmas they’ll have something else to think of.” Locus kissed the top of Felix’s head, and smiled at the soft pleased noise he made at the gesture.

“At least we will. I’ve never gone Christmas shopping before. One of these weekends, huh? We should go. Pick some shit out. I’m sure we could figure out leave somehow. And we still have cash left from summer.” Felix smiled as he cuddled up to Locus.

“We have a lot of money left from summer.” They’d slowly deposited chunks of it into Locus’ bank account, and Locus had brought the rest with him. It had raised questions but it wasn’t really against the rules to have cash on school grounds. And the school knew Felix’s mother was rich. They didn’t know it was strange for Felix to have money too.

“Sweet so we can get really good presents. I have no idea what they’d like. What do you think we should get them? I’d get Kaylee a knife but we’d have to bring it back to school at some point and wow I don’t need to deal with the fallout of getting caught with that.” Felix laughed a little.

“Right. Knives would be a bad idea. So probably no weaponry for any of them.” Locus yawned widely and leaned back into the bed. “Clothes maybe?”

“Christmas sweaters.” Felix announced. “We should get ugly Christmas sweaters. If we’re going to have a Christmas card Christmas it should have Christmas sweaters.”

Locus laughed as Felix cackled in glee.


	12. The Month Before Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shopping, talking, and getting ready

The month before Christmas crawled. As things tended to do when there was something to look forward to. Two weeks away from Charon, just friends and all that wilderness shit he’d read about? Felix was about out of his mind. Every time he and Locus managed to get time to go shopping, either for clothes Felix could wear during the winter (his entire wardrobe outside of uniforms consisted of summer clothes), or the Christmas sweaters that were going to be their gifts to the rest of the group, Felix felt like he was about to explode. 

“I don’t know how you’re so chill. This is so fucking cool. I’ve never been in the wilderness before.” Felix babbled as he rearranged the bags in his arms. Locus was not allowed to carry anything, despite the passing month he still ached and had a lot of weakness to deal with. Felix wasn’t about to risk it.

“I’m very excited.” Locus smiled softly. “I really like Christmas. Getting to spend it with all of you will be nice. I’m looking forward to it.”

Felix sighed. “You do excited so calmly. We need to caffeinate you more, I think.”

“You definitely need to caffeinate me more.” Locus said dryly. He was a tired person on a regular basis, school schedules did not mesh well with his sleep schedule, but he’d been even more tired lately. Felix supposed that made sense what with his injury and the pills he was taking to manage the pain.

Thankfully Locus had been taking fewer pills lately, he seemed to need them less which seemed like a good sign he was healing. He just barely made it through classes though, his stamina was shot. He spent most of his free time that he wasn’t sleeping with his tutor trying to play catch up. To Felix falling behind in his studies wasn’t an issue, he wasn’t going to do anything with his studies so as long as he passed it didn’t really matter. To Locus it was a Big Deal. Capital letters style. Felix was pretty sure at this rate Locus was going to have a heart attack at 19.

“I think there’s a Starbucks around here.” Felix looked around, then pointed when he spotted it. “Pick your poison?”

“I can get my own coffee, Felix.” Locus sighed and ruffled Felix’s hair, he’d taken to doing that a lot now that it was short. It was possibly the only good thing about chopping off his hair. Anything that gave Locus an excuse to play with it was okay by him. 

“If you insist. Just try not to fall asleep in the line. Zombie.” Felix rolled his eyes and watched as Locus went to get himself something to drink.

He’d never cared about holidays, he’d never had holidays. His first official holiday had been the mini trainwreck of last year’s Christmas. This year was going to be different. This year he knew it was coming for one. This year he was going to be prepared. He had looked up what a normal Christmas was supposed to look like. He’d printed recipes off in the school library for how to make a traditional Christmas dinner and met up with Kaylee and Abbey to discuss supplies and how to go about making most of it. So far he was the only one who really knew how to cook, he’d been the only one to take Home Ec, so chances were pretty good he was going to end up being in charge. So long as Kaylee’s parents got all the food needed to prepare. 

He was okay with that. He was excited. He wanted badly to make up the disaster he’d made of last year, to Locus. If Christmas was important to him Felix wanted to make it good. Not a weird drama attack. 

Plus it would be a good test to see how well he did in the kitchen, outside of the classroom. He was moving out the instant he graduated, he was going to need to be able to fend for himself. If he knew he could cook then he was part way to set. He didn’t know if he had any skills that would get him hired, but he’d have to see. Maybe he’d get lucky. For once.

“Caffeine acquired.” Locus announced his return, coffee in hand. “You looked deep in thought.”

“Eh. Honestly not really. Hoping we can pull of Christmas dinner and all that stuff, you know? It’s kinda exciting, but also I don’t wanna give anyone food poisoning.” Felix grinned as Locus chuckled softly.

“Well, so long as we’re very careful about not under cooking anything I think we should be good.” Locus sipped his coffee and followed Felix as they set off again.

“Yeah, basically. From the looks of it the turkey is the major thing. You know… don’t undercook poultry and all that. But I know that, so I can plan for that. I got the reading material required to make cooking the bird possible.” Felix laughed. “I guess since I’m going back to Home Ec next semester it’s technically homework?”

“Delicious homework.” Locus hummed thoughtfully as Felix continued to laugh. “Is there anything else we need to pick up?”

“Let’s see… we got the sweaters, I got a coat last week… is there anything else I need? I can just wear school sweatshirts if it gets too chill. I still have pyjamas and shit from summer. And I haven’t gained enough weight to have outgrown all that yet, I checked. Is there anything else you wanna look at?” Felix poked through the bags thoughtfully. Buying presents for friends, would wonders never cease? Felix had never seen himself hitting this point in his life. Not only Locus as a friend, but Kaylee, Abbey and Anthony. Four whole friends. It was probably a little sad how astounding that seemed.

“Kaylee said it would be mostly movies and board games. Do you want to check out a game store and see what they have? We could get something interesting.” Locus suggested with a shrug as he looked through the store directory to make sure there _was_ a game shop.

“And a couple movies. We can find some more of your Christmas classics. And just some good ones. If we got two weeks to kill at this place we should totally have some good shit to watch. We are filthy teens on break, that’s what we do.” Felix grinned as they headed through the mall to find some entertainment.

“I can carry some of this, you know.”

“Nope.”

\---

Felix hit the floor hard as someone struck him from behind. “Ugh.” He made a disgusted noise as he rubbed his head and looked up to try and figure out who’d hit him. He didn’t know them. Two boys, probably not in his grade, definitely not in any of the circles he’d paid attention to. “What is it now?”

Boy 1 shrugged and then tried to kick him, Felix rolled out of the way and sprung to his feet. 

“This is seriously getting old I’m not even doing anything anymore.” Felix hissed as the second boy swung a fist and he dodged.

“You only need to be a murderer once.” Another swing, another dodge.

Felix groaned dramatically. “I didn’t murder _anyone_.” He got hit from behind again but danced out of the way of the second blow. “He killed himself. You didn’t even know him. This is getting old.”

“That’s a pretty bullshit attitude, he fucking died. Because of you.” 

“You don’t fucking care.” Felix hissed. “You don’t care someone’s dead you care it gives you an excuse to hit someone and not look like a fucking asshole.”

“You make someone kill themselves, then you act all fucking high and mighty. Like you didn’t do shit. You aren’t innocent. Stop acting like it.” Boy 2 had a much higher horse than the first one. He seemed to feel a lot more righteous about trying to beat Felix up.

Trying being the key word. Felix was dodging most of their hits. Small and fast came in handy a lot of the time. 

“You didn’t give a shit about him when he was alive. You don’t give enough of a shit now to do anything but find something to be pissed over. You weren’t there. You don’t know shit.” Felix wondered just how bad it would look for him to just cut his losses and run. He didn’t feel like fighting and it wasn’t like he was just going to dodge until they got tired. He was either going to have to let himself get beat up or run. Neither were a good looking option.

He was saved from his no win choices when Boy 1 suddenly fell backwards as Kaylee swept his legs out from under him. As he hit the ground she dove forward and smashed the heel of her hand into Boy 2’s nose, then grabbed him by the hair and dragged him down so she could knee him in the face. When both boys were down she turned to Felix and crossed her arms.

“Just what the fuck was that?” She raised an eyebrow and looked generally unimpressed. “Were you gonna dance them into submission?”

“Uh…” Felix blinked then shrugged. “Maybe? I dunno maybe they’d get bored.”

“Right that happens.” She sighed and kicked the first boy again when he tried to get up. “Seriously what the fuck were you doing?”

“Ah… Trying… to be better?” Felix asked hesitantly, feeling a little stupid. “I’m not particularly good at it. Near as I can figure though it means hitting people less. So… I’m working on doing that. Hitting people less.”

Kaylee tapped a foot and studied Felix for a moment. “I guess I can’t really be mad at you for that.”

“I would certainly appreciate if you weren’t.” Felix gave his best innocent smile. “I also appreciate you saving my ass.”

Kaylee shrugged and started walking away, Felix followed her. “I’m not trying to be a nice person so I guess it’s the least I can do. You know that’s gonna keep happening though.”

“Yeah I guess.” Felix sighed heavily. “I’m really, really getting tired of this bullshit. They didn’t know Ross, they don’t know the situation. They’re not angry for any particular reason…”

“Blood in the water. It’s how this school works. You’ve been selected as tribute to the Hunger Games, my friend.”

“Ugh.”

“Yup. They’ll pick a new target eventually. But until then…” She sighed and shook her head. “Your decision to embrace pacifism came at a bad time.”

“That… is becoming obvious.” Felix rubbed ran his hands through his hair and thought for a second. “It’s all I can think of to do, though. He’s kind of worth it, you know?”

Kaylee smiled a little and shook her head. “You’re both nerds. I’ll try and do what I can to keep you from getting your ass kicked, how’s that?”

“Much appreciated. Every little bit helps.”

“Mmhm.” She reached out and ruffled his hair gently. “Good luck.”

“Thanks.”

\---

By the time winter break was actually upon them Felix was about to explode. Locus didn’t blame him, it was kind of thrilling. Christmas was Locus’ most important holiday. The idea of spending it with his little group of friends in the mountains seemed… unreal. Getting away from the school and the whispers and the stress was going to be… amazing.

Not that he wasn’t bringing notes and study guides with him, he couldn’t afford to take winter break off this year. He had too much to catch up on. His grades were getting better with the steady work but they still weren’t where he’d like them to be. If he wanted decent scholarships out of graduation it wasn’t going to be his grade twelve marks they’d be looking at, his grade eleven marks would have to be remarkable too. He couldn’t afford to coast, or take the proper recovery time off. He wasn’t going to be able to afford college on his own. Even with Felix’s generous donation of his mother’s money. 

The friday evening though, as school let out and they shoved the last of their necessities into their bags, buzzed with energy. Locus hadn’t seen Felix this happy in a long while, possibly since summer but definitely since… the incident. 

They had discussed and decided school made gift giving difficult and impractical, so they would simply get Christmas sweaters with each other and get proper gift-gifts over the summer when they’d actually be able to make use of them. Locus partially liked that option because it came with Felix believing that summer was actually going to happen for them. Locus would take any sign of that.

“This. Is gonna be great. I need a break so bad. I can’t wait to see what the mountains are like. We can go on honest-to-god wilderness hikes!” Felix bounced as he packed the wrapped sweaters up into his bag, on top of everything else he’d need for the break. 

“We’ll have to be careful. Honest-to-god wilderness is likely to be slightly more dangerous than that fake wilderness here in the city.” Locus smiled as Felix made a face at him. 

“I _know_. I still wanna see. Little hikes, something. There are probably trails if there’s a cabin. I wanna see it. I wanna drink hot chocolate by the fireplace. I am mandating one snowball war, if you think you might be up to that?”

“I think I can probably manage. If I can tired I can sit out, it’d even the teams that way at least.” Locus enjoyed watching Felix be happy, rattling off plans and things he wanted to try. Every now and then it made his heart hurt when he realised Felix wanted to do something because he’d never had the chance before, but the fact that Locus was getting the chance to show it to him felt better. 

He wanted to take Felix by the hand and lead him through everything fun or normal or pleasant he could think of. Every new adventure was starting to become just that, an adventure. He loved watching Felix experience new things, or find something new to love. This summer they were going to try as many different foods as he could think of, just to see what he could discover with Felix. There was a childlike wonder buried deep under all the hurt and skepticism, and Locus loved every glimpse of it.

They dragged their bags out front to meet up with Kaylee, Abbey and Anthony, who also all had their bags. 

“Ready to go?” Kayle put a hand on her hip and looked them over. 

“Yup!” Felix bounced on the balls of his feet and Abbey giggled.

“Then come on, my parents just pulled up. Let’s throw everything in the back and get in.” Kaylee nodded to the oversized SUV as it pulled up.

“Merry Goddamn Christmas at last.” Felix sighed happily and dragged his bag down the steps to the vehicle.

“Merry Christmas.” Locus mumbled, feeling warm and comfortable and bubbling with excitement. It was like stepping back into his childhood and experiencing that Christmas wonder all over again.

This was going to be good.


	13. Campfire Stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eating too much sugar and talking in front of the fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry this chapter is late. I had such writer's block. I'm sorry!

It was a fucking log cabin. It smelled like wood and a little bit of that stale mildew sort of smell that some places got when people hadn’t been there in a while. 

“My dad loaded us up with enough wood to last two weeks so no one has to kill themselves with an axe while we’re here.” Kaylee had pointed out the wood box outside when they came in, then pointed to a little pile by the fireplace in the living room. “Food’s in the fridge and the freezer. In case of emergency my mom left her car up here so I can drive us to civilisation. Try not to have an emergency I’m not the best on icy roads.”

“What do we do if _you’re_ the one to have an emergency?” Felix waggled his eyebrows as he set his and Locus’ bags by the couch.

“Well I can drive too.” Abbey pointed out, still carrying her bag which would go upstairs to the spare room.

“Yup.” Anthony nodded.

Felix paused then turned on Locus. “You too?”

“...yeah I got mine over summer.” Locus shrugged. “I don’t have access to a car though, so I’m out of practice.”

Felix scowled, then tapped his foot irritably. “Well. Whatever I’ll figure it out eventually.”

Locus patted his head and he hissed slightly.

“Either way we’ll probably be okay so long as the four of us don’t pass out and leave you in charge.” Kaylee put a hand on her hip and nodded to the stairs.

“In general we’re better off if Felix isn’t left in charge.” Locus cupped the back of Felix’s neck as he muttered dryly. “At least if we want to be allowed on our own ever again.”

“Assholes.” Felix rolled his eyes, but gave Locus a soft look as the others went upstairs to drop off their bags. “So how do we start the fire?” 

“Don’t start burning things before I get back down there.” Kaylee leaned over the banister and scowled at him. “I do not need you burning this place down.”

“Fiiiiiine.” Felix sighed, but continued looking the fireplace over. “Do you like roast marshmallows in a fire place? Is that a thing.” 

“Probably.” Locus sat on the couch slowly and watched as Felix fidgeted and looked things over.

“That’d be cool. I’ve never done that before. Is it fun?” Felix bounced on the balls of his feet and studied the scorched rocks that made up the fireplace.

“We can do that this evening. I’m pretty sure we have the poles for it kicking around here somewhere.” Kaylee hopped off the last step and walked over to the fireplace too. “It’s a mess, just so you know, but we probably have the stuff to make s’mores and shit.”

“Oh! That sounds awesome! How’ve you never done marshmallows before?” Abbey laughed as she bounced down the stairs, Anthony following slowly.

“My mom’s not really a camping fan.” Felix shrugged. “We didn’t do a lot of that shit. But s’mores always sounded good. That could be a cool way to start out the night!”

“First we figure out what we’re having for supper.” Kaylee crouched in front of the fireplace and started setting up the logs and paper.

“Well if we’re doing marshmallows, we should totally do a weeny-roast. Like that’s what’s supposed to come first anyway.” Abbey pointed out, watching Kaylee work.

“I’ll check if we got hot dogs.” Anthony offered heading into the kitchen.

Felix bounced until Locus pulled him back to the couch to sit down as well. “You all right?”

Locus nodded and kissed Felix’s temple. “Doing alright. You?”

“Yup. Not the first thing I haven’t tried, won’t be the last. I’m getting around to it now. That’s what counts.

Anthony returned with a package of hot dogs, a pack of buns, and a bag of marshmallows. “Looks like we’re ready to roast.”

“ _Awesome_.” Felix grinned brightly as Kaylee got the fire going.

\---

“So I gotta ask.” Felix was licking sugar off of his fingers as they sat in the dark around the fireplace. “How the fuck did you end up in fucking Charon, Abbey?”

Abbey blinked, then struggled to finish eating her s’more and took a drink of coke before she could speak. “I skipped school a lot.”

“Didn’t you start going to Charon in grade 7?” Locus frowned as he carefully folded his graham cracker over his s’more. 

“Yeah…” Abbey sighed. “It’s a little weird to skip in elementary but I just really. Like I didn’t get it and the kids were mean and I would just leave. There’s no like… arts programs or anything in elementary, and if you don’t get math then you’re an idiot. And I just. Ugh. It was all really confusing and hard?”

“Wow I never figured you for a trouble maker.” Felix laughed and Abbey shrugged a little and blushed.

“Well. I mean I didn’t try to cause problems, everyone just ended up having a problem with me anyway. So I just left. And I started failing. And failing grade five is kinda. Like my parents weren’t super hyped. They tried t’ get me to like… behave and do better in grade six but I…. didn’t.” Abbey shrugged a little. “So they sent me to a school I couldn’t run away from. But then Charon had an art program and was better at dealing with learning disabilities. Plus I met you guys. That made a lot of things better. Even with the great rift of early last year.”

“Great rift of early last year?” Locus winced as the sticky mass of sugar stuck in his throat, and he took a drink of his coke. 

Kaylee sighed. “We used to sit with Des and Terence and the Steves. And fucking _Phil_. Then… like there’s this other school we used to fight with in Junior High. It was like… an encouraged school rivalry, when we had competitive sports teams.”

“Right.” Locus nodded. “Freelancer or something?”

“Something stupid like that, yeah.” Kaylee rolled her eyes. “That might’ve just been their team name, I can’t remember. We got in a fight with a group of them and things got. Intense.”

“Intense is a way of putting it.” Anthony snorted. “That’s how Terence got half his face burned off.”

“Yeah, that’s why we don’t have competitive sports anymore.” Abbey made a face.

“So how did that cause a rift?” Locus furrowed his brow and Felix leaned against him.

“Well. Phil started dating a girl from that group.” Anthony shrugged. 

“Got real fucking dramatic about it. It’s fucking bullshit.” Kaylee hissed.

“Kaylee had it out with him.” Anthony took a drink of his coke. “Some of us stuck with her, some stuck with him. I think Des just wanders around most of the time.”

“So the great rift.” Abbey sighed and shrugged a little. “So that happened. But Charon is still worth it. Plus we gained you guys. So basically wins all around.”

“Well then I guess we’re glad you hated elementary school?” Felix grinned, earning a smile from Abbey.

“Thanks. I’m glad I hated elementary too.”

“Did you have a similar problem?” Locus looked at Anthony. “Sorry for asking, just you don’t…”

“No, it’s cool, I mostly keep my head down.” Anthony shrugged a little. “It’s mostly my big brother’s fault. He uh… He’s in juvie right now. My parents were really worried I’d end up like him. And I don’t like… do much. You know? Like I didn’t… _engage_. So my parents got all worried. And Abbey’s parents were sending her to Charon, so they figured they’d give it a try too.”

“So you two know each other from before school?Like Charon school.” Felix pointed his drink at them.

“Oh, yeah. We’re cousins. His dad’s my mom’s brother.” Abbey shrugged. “We weren’t super close before, but we knew each other going into the school so like. Buddy system, right?”

“Totally, that makes sense.” Felix nodded.

“So it’s probably obvious how you got sent here.” Kaylee grinned a little as she pointed at Felix and tapped her eye. “But your scar have a story?”

“Eighth grade knife fight by the bike racks.” Felix laughed at the pinched face she made in response. “Seriously! Fucking Tad, had some issue I can’t remember now. He almost took my goddamn eye. So I took his toe.”

“You took his _toe_.” Locus looked a little scandalised.

“Well it was only _fair_. I dropped a cinderblock on his foot. Totally crushed one of his toes.” Felix shrugged, then realised they were all kind of looking at him. “He tried to take out my _eye_. He had nine more toes. I only have two eyes.”

“See this is why no one questions why you go to Charon.” Anthony said dryly.

Felix huffed and sipped his coke. “Whatever. It made sense at the time. It was just his little toe.”

Locus snorted and ruffled his hair gently.

\---  
It had not fully occurred to Felix that Locus was in the norm when it came to teenage sleep cycles. He understood that most people generally didn’t wake up like he did, somewhere around when the sun rose… or earlier in the case of winter. But, he didn’t realise that he would still be the only one awake by the time 10 AM rolled around. 

It was very tempting to go pretend to accidentally make a bunch of noise in the kitchen. Or see what would happen if he jumped on the air mattress. But there was a really good possibility of the air mattress popping and that would leave him and Locus without a bed. And making noise in the kitchen would require using the kitchen, and he wasn’t sure if he was dedicated enough to being annoying to follow through with making breakfast.

And so he lay on the couch watching the clock. He had been reading a book, but he’d been reading for the past 4 hours and he was running out of patience for his friends’ need for sleep.

He decided that he had learned to make pancakes in school and he was going to try now. If they woke up they could have pancakes, if they continued sleeping the pancakes would be cold and… well Felix wasn’t actually sure if that would make them bad, but the point of the matter was they wouldn’t be fresh and that would be their problem.

So he wandered into the kitchen and began finding ingredients. Pancakes weren’t hard, he remembered. He just had to whip them up enough they got fluffy. That was the key. Or something like the key. Maybe baking powder was the key? One of them. 

He was plating his first batch when Abbey shuffled into the kitchen in a large yellow sweater and black PJ pants with little bees on it. She stared at him for a long moment and he doubled checked that yes, he was wearing pants. He was pretty sure he’d gone to sleep in those.

“What’re you doin’?” She rubbed her eyes and sat down at the table. Felix put the first plate in front of her since she was there she may as well eat.

“Pancakes. I was bored. How are you still this asleep? You’re more awake at 7 in school.” Felix wrinkled his nose and went back to check the next batch in the pan.

Abbey spread butter over her pancakes then covered them in syrup. “I go t’ sleep before 2 in school. How’re you so awake?”

“He does that.” Locus looked… like Locus looked when he just woke up. Black t-shirt and plaid pj pants and an expression a little like someone was shining a blinding light in his eyes. “He’ll pass out around 3 though if it makes you feel better.”

Felix stuck his tongue out at him but poured a mug of coffee for him anyway. “I’m surprised you’re awake so early, Locs. It’s not even noon yet.”

“You’re making noise.” Locus grumbled softly, but kissed Felix as he set the mug down in front of him.

“Yeah, like I said. Bored.” Felix shrugged and put the next batch on a plate for Locus.

“Well if bored means pancakes, get bored more.” Abbey munched cheerfully, even if she did the occasional gaze off into space thing Locus did all the time when he was still waking up.

Like right now, when he was staring at the pancakes like he was far too tired to even comprehend what to do with them.

“It’s food, Zombie, you eat it.” Felix snorted when Locus jumped a little then reached for the syrup. “Drink your coffee it looks like you need it.”

Locus grunted his acknowledgement and Felix poured more batter into the pan.

“Any idea when the other two will wake up?” Felix stretched and leaned back against the counter.

“Anthony might wake up tomorrow.” Abbey grinned a little. “Kaylee probably as soon as she processes where the noise is coming from and if she should deal with it.”

“I decided to deal with it.” Kaylee yawned in the entrance to the kitchen, her hair was a mess and she was wearing pink PJs with red hearts and it was about as dishevelled as Felix had ever seen her. “You’re very housewife-y this morning.”

“I’m the king of housewife-y.” Felix flexed. “Be in awe of my homemaker skills.”

“Mm.” Kaylee walked straight to the coffee maker and poured herself a cup. “Stop being a morning person, it’s not natural.”

“I have been a morning person my entire life it is extremely natural. I haven’t even had coffee yet.” Felix stuck out his tongue and flipped the pancakes.

“You’re a monster.” Kaylee collapsed into a chair. “You’ve got the internal clock of an old man.”

Abbey snorted and Felix flipped them both off.

“If you don’t _want_ pancakes…”

Kaylee made a face and seemed to mull the idea over for a moment. “Okay fine I’m sorry. Gimme.”

Felix laughed and scooped them onto a plate to hand them to her. She covered them in jam and he started making himself a batch, unless Anthony was planning to show up any time soon.

“Jam? Really?” Abbey raised her eyebrows as Kaylee took her first bite.

“I like strawberries.” Kaylee said, a little bit defensively. “Maple isn’t really my thing.”

“Don’t let the Canadians hear you say that.” Locus responded tiredly and Abbey giggled.

“Fuck Canada what’ve they ever done for me.” Kaylee stuck shook her head and sipped her coffee.

Felix laughed and leaned against the counter again, watching them eat. This was probably a little what it was like to have a family. A real family. The kind that cared about you. 

He thought, probably, that he could get used to something like this.


	14. Merry Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things actually go to plan for a change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AriRashkae had some really good suggestions for Christmas sweaters. I hope you don't mind that I used them! They were great!!

“Do you have… any idea what time it is?” Kaylee’s voice was rough with sleep and irritation as she sat up in bed.

Felix grinned as brightly as humanly possible as he leaned in the doorway. “Do you know what day it is?”

“It could very easily be the last day of your life.” Kaylee growled and pushed her hair from her face. She managed to catch the wrapped bundle, though, before it hit her.

“It’s Christmas! I made waffles. I’m not waiting anymore hours alone.” Felix stuck out his tongue as she cursed him, then ducked back into the main hall to go harass Anthony and Abbey.

Abbey was considerably more receptive of the idea, leaping out of her top bunk with a squeal when she realised it was Christmas. She hadn’t been the biggest fan of waking up early, but this seemed a perfectly good enough reason for it.

“Aaa! I’m so excited!” She sprinted across the room and pulled an armful of packages from her suitcase. “I can’t wait to see what you guys think.”

Anthony had yet to move despite Felix shaking him with his foot. “Is he dead?”

Abbey laughed. “I’ll deal with him. One sec I’ll run these downstairs.” She took off and came back a few minutes later with a bowl full of ice cubes.

“You’re my new favourite person.” Felix grinned and pulled back Anthony’s covers so she could dump the ice on him.

It took a second, but finally he yelped and leapt out of the bed, he was only wearing a t-shirt with boxers and glared at both of them. “What is wrong with you?”

“You sleep like the dead.” Felix explained with a shrug.

“And it’s Christmas.” Abbey nodded solemnly.

Anthony stared at the both of them then shook his head. “You’re both monsters.”

“You’re surprised?” Felix cackled happily.

“Locus has nothing but my sympathy, having to live with you.” Anthony muttered and scrubbed his hands over his face. Abbey started picking the ice back up from the bed so it didn’t melt into wet spots.

“I’ve gotten used to it.” Locus mumbled as he showed up at the door, two bundles in his arms. “There are a few perks, anyway.”

Felix blew him a kiss and he laughed softly.

“These are your presents from us. I know we’re exchanging downstairs, but Felix wants you to wear them today.” Locus handed a gift to each of them and Felix bounced with excitement.

Abbey set her bowl aside and carefully pulled the wrapping apart to find a pink knit sweater with a pattern of white snowflakes and yellow stars knit around “Deck The Halls” knit in yellow too. “Ahhh!!!” She shrieked and held it out for a better look. “It’s so cute!!”

Anthony held out his, a black sweater with snowflakes and “Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal” knit into it. “Very thematically appropriate. That explains yours.”

Felix grinned, his own sweater was black with white writing declaring “Fuck The Cold” with two reindeer humping underneath. Locus’ was red with a green holly pattern and the words “This Is My Ugly Christmas Sweater” knit into it. 

“They were Felix’s idea.” Locus mentioned dryly as Felix put his hands on his hips and positively beamed.

“Gang’s all here then?” Kaylee walked in, her hair tied into two simple pigtails. She was wearing her own sweater, pink with white snowflakes and the words “Merry Christmas Bitches” knit into it. “Oh good. We match.”

Abbey laughed and grabbed some clothes out of her suitcase. “I’m gonna change in your room okay?” She ran off to the master bedroom.

Anthony paused a moment then shoed the rest of them out of the room. “I’m not putting on a show here. Get out.”

Felix laughed and raced down the stairs to make sure the Christmas breakfast he’d put together was still looking good. His first not accidentally a trainwreck Christmas. First Christmas with Family. First Christmas he knew was going to be a Christmas. Everything about it was so exciting. He didn’t even care that he was about to get presents, though that was a bonus, he was about to spend the day with his friends eating and partying and just having fun.

He felt like he was about to explode. This was so thrilling. He still had to start putting Christmas dinner in the oven, but according to his recipes those could wait until gift exchanges and a morning of shooting the shit were over.

Locus and Kaylee followed down the stairs much more sedately. 

“You weren’t kidding about the waffles.” Kaylee raised her eyebrows as she set her stack of gifts down by the couch. “How fucking early do you wake up?”

“Don’t ask, the answer is painful.” Locus muttered and picked up his coffee mug. 

Felix rolled his eyes. “There’s a whole side to the day you assholes are missing. Sunrises are great.”

“Sunrise…” Kaylee looked up as she tried to settle the time of that in her head. “8:30’s not that bad…”

“What time did you wake up, Felix?” Locus sighed and eased into a chair.

“‘Bout 5:30. Give or take.” Felix shrugged.

“Monster.” Kaylee shuddered.

“Monster who made you strawberry syrup because he woke up at 5:30.” Felix handed over the bowl of syrup.

“Then you are the good kind of monster.” Kaylee took the syrup and a couple waffles. “A much appreciated monster.”

Abbey bounced down the stairs. “Why’s Felix a monster now?”

“He woke up at 5:30.” Locus sighed and filled his own plate with waffles.

“Ouch. _Why_?” Abbey made a face and sat down at the table.

“I dunno. I just always kinda wake up early?” Felix shrugged and made sure everything was on the table before he sat down. “I always have.”

“That’s gotta be nice at school.” Anthony yawned as he finally came to join them and went straight for the coffee.

“Until the end of the day, I kinda crash at the end of the day. My last period is basically a wash. All I’m thinking of is bed.” Felix laughed.

“That explains your history grades.” Kaylee muttered.

“I don’t think Anthony officially wakes up until noon so…” Abbey grinned as Anthony set his coffee down and fell into his chair.

“I wake up. I wake up better than _some_ people.” Anthony shot a look at Locus, who blushed and shrugged a little.

“Okay, you wake up when you actually wake up. It just takes forever t’ actually wake you up. Once you’re out of bed you’re good.” Abbey snickered and watched Anthony add scoop after scoop of sugar to his coffee. “Locus on the other hand…”

“Sets his alarm early because it legit takes him two hours to wake up.” Felix grinned brightly, Locus shot him a look over his coffee cup. 

“It’s not… that abnormal.” Locus made a face. “Lots of teens sleep late.”

Felix patted his arm and laughed. “Sure. That’s your problem.”

\---

“Is… is this a Weasley sweater?” Felix’s voice may have squeaked a little as he tore open his first gift. The black knit sweater with a bright orange F stitched into it fell unfolded in his hands.

“You’re… not particularly subtle about being a fanboy.” Kaylee drawled as she leaned back on the floor and sipped her eggnog. “Or about being cold. So. It made sense.” 

Felix laughed and looked it over. “Okay, I will accept that. This is so sweet. Thanks.”

Kaylee tossed her next present at Locus who opened it carefully and precisely. He held out two t-shirts, one read “not shy. just don’t like you” and the other read “(sarcasm)”. “....Fitting.” He smiled slightly. “Thank you.”

Kaylee grinned and shrugged. “They seemed appropriate.” Her gift to Anthony was another pair of shirts, these ones declaring “Schrodinger’s cat is dead” and “meh.”

“Appropriate shirts seem to be a theme this year.” Anthony smirked a little as he folded them again.

“Shirts are the best bet when it comes to school. They’ll confiscate almost anything else.” Kaylee rolled her eyes, and handed her present to Abbey carefully.

Abbey frowned when she accepted it. “This isn’t a shirt…” She peeled away the wrapping paper and gasped. “ _Kaylee_. You didn’t!” She held up a metal box with ‘Prismacolor” written on the side.

“What is it?” Felix leaned in.

“Pencil crayons.” Abbey set the box down and opened it to look at the pencils. “ _Expensive_ pencil crayons. Kaylee what the hell?!”

“They took away your paints.” Kaylee shrugged, trying to look nonchalant. “They don’t have a rule against pencils, though… I made sure. So… so hopefully you can still do some of your work with these. Or something. It’s no big.”

Abbey squealed and threw herself over to hug Kaylee, who blushed and hugged her back.

“Oh my god, we get it, you’re adorable.” Anthony rolled his eyes and threw bunches of wrapping paper at them. “Who’s next?”

“Me!” Abbey bounced up and grabbed her pile of gifts, handing them out.

“Death Wish Coffee…” Locus raised an eyebrow as he pulled his gift out of its giftbag. “Is this a hint?”

“It’s definitely a hint.” Abbey giggled. “It’s supposed to have like… the most caffeine per bean or something.”

“We’re brewing a pot as soon as we’re finished here.” Felix laughed.

Locus held the coffee to his chest and made a face and Felix. “You can’t have it. It’s my coffee.”

Abbey burst into another fit of giggles, Anthony snapped a picture.

“Okay, okay. I get…” Felix laughed again as he pulled a scarf out of his giftbag, green and silver stripes. “So I guess I’m really not subtle at all, huh?”

“Nope.” Abbey shook her head. “You’re also really obviously Slytherin. So.”

“It’s true.” Felix grinned and wrapped the scarf around his neck.

“Wreck This Journal?” Anthony asked as he pulled said journal out of the bag. 

“It’s supposed to have a bunch of inspiration and ridiculous things. And you’re running out of notebooks. I thought it was funny.”

“I like it.” Anthony grinned and started flipping through.

Kaylee opened a small box to a pink heart pendant with a little gemstone accent. She looked up at Abbey about to say something, but Abbey waved her hands. “It’s not! Like a hint or being weird. I just thought it really suited you. I couldn’t think of something funny, but it was pretty.”

Kaylee frowned for a second then smiled. “Thank you, Abbey. It’s beautiful.”

Anthony rolled his eyes and threw a package at Kaylee, then Felix and Locus, before finally handing Abbey hers.

“What is it with you guys giving me heavy things you can’t throw…” Abbey muttered and unwrapped two mugs, one labelled ‘paint water’, the other labelled ‘not paint water’. “Cute.”

“It made more sense before they took away your paint.” Anthony shrugged a little.

“I can still use it in class. Thank you.” Abbey smiled.

Locus made a face as he unwrapped a couple bars of soap. Their labels proudly declared themselves as caffeinated soap. “Okay now. Really…”

“Really, Locs.” Felix grinned. “Really, _really_.”

Kaylee’s gift was a pink t-shirt with a big white heart that had the word NO printed inside it. “Nice.”

Felix was almost expecting something Harry Potter related again, but his t-shirt said ‘Chaotic Evil Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry”. He laughed hard and looked over his gifts feeling so light he wasn’t sure how he wasn’t floating. 

So this was Christmas. Real Christmas. With everyone happy and liking each other and having fun. This was gifts, given with thought and consideration. From more than just Locus. 

Locus was the most important person in his life. But he wasn’t the _only_ person in his life. It was remarkable. It was so, _so_ much more than he’d ever thought to hope for. 

\---

Christmas dinner went off with only the small hitch that Felix burnt the yams. Which had smelled pretty awful, but everything else had tasted good and the turkey had been fully cooked, if maybe a little dry. But for his first try at a turkey Felix was pretty sure it was a damn good result. And the gravy made up for dryness anyway, right? They’d watched more classic Christmas movies Felix hadn’t seen before and Felix learned that the one with the puppets wasn’t the only version of the Christmas Carol, though it was probably his favourite. Even if there was one where someone got smacked in the face with a toaster. The puppet one had been his first perfect Christmas moment, where the trainwreck had pulled itself back together. They even roasted more marshmallows because sitting around the fire had seemed like a good way to cap off the night.

So when they finally went to bed, they were stuffed and warm and half asleep before they’d hit their respective beds.

Felix smiled as Locus wrapped an arm around him and kissed him softly. “Merry Christmas.” He murmured softly.

“Merry Christmas.” Felix laughed and kissed him again. “I could get used to this Christmas business.”

Locus smiled and kissed his nose, then his forehead. “This was a good year. I could get used to Christmases with you.” 

Felix blushed despite himself and was thankful for the darkness as he nuzzled Locus’ neck lightly. “Yeah. Christmases with you are pretty great. I mean my samples are pretty biased, but I’ve liked them so far.”

“They’re good. Burnt yams and all.” Locus laughed softly and it made Felix’s heart race. He loved hearing Locus laugh, more than almost anything. Locus honestly happy was his favourite thing. He tried so hard to be reserved, those real smiles and laughs and warm expressions meant the world.

The expressions he kept just for Felix, all soft and filled with warmth and emotion. It was like the most precious gift he could possibly be given. He could live in those deep honest smiles and gentle looks. Affectionate touches and easy support. 

He could spend the rest of his life with Locus and never get bored of hearing him laugh.


	15. And A Happy New Year?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some light and some dark

A few days later Locus asked Felix to go for a walk with him. It was blindingly sunny, even in the trees and down the paths. Once again Locus got to catch a glimpse of that childlike wonder and glee as Felix took in the sights. Their breath clouded in the air as they wandered along. Felix stopped occasionally to try and see whatever was making noise between the trees, or tried to balance on fallen logs. His cheeks were red with cold and delight and Locus would never get tired of watching him. Felix letting himself be happy was a breathtaking sight, Locus cherished every chance he got to see it. 

Felix loved the experience of new things. It made sense in a way, there was a lot he hadn’t gotten to know with the childhood he’d had. New things would still have that shine they had had when the rest of them had experienced them as children. Locus had never been to the mountains, but he’d been to small summer camps. He’d walked in the woods before, and while it was still beautiful to look at the frost covered trees, there was a luster that had worn off. 

When he closed his eyes he could almost remember the first time he’d wandered a path as a child, pretending to be an adventurer of some sort. One of the Fellowship of the Ring or even starting a Pokemon journey. Everything had been a little bit magical back then.

Sometimes he could watch Felix and see that little bit of magic. The shimmering sparkle of stepping into a new world for the first time. Locus thought it was kind of amazing that even though Felix could spend a lot of his time jaded and cynical he could still do that. Step into something new and act like it was magical. Still see something wondrous in the world despite all the darkness. 

Though, Felix couldn’t be in the dark anymore. Since that night. There was always a lamp on, or the kitchen light pouring into the room or something. He hadn’t been intimate, not sexually anyway. Locus didn’t need to be a genius at reading people to see Felix freeze up if things got even close to heated. So they cuddled, and Felix lead. Felix had laid the rules in the beginning, when Locus had been scared and unsure. He’d set that in stone that they’d only do what each other was comfortable with. Locus had no problem taking the enforcement of that rule into his own hands, now that Felix was the one afraid. Felix never had to say no, because Locus would never push him that far. He left it in Felix’s hands, Locus wasn’t afraid anymore, so Felix could guide them however far he wanted to go. 

For now it was light kisses and gentle touches, holding hands and falling asleep together. Locus was happy with that. He liked sex, but not having it wasn’t a great loss, Felix was so much more important than that it didn’t even register as a problem. Locus would much rather live a chaste life with Felix in it than any other, Felix continued to be the only person Locus had eyes for. 

“I have a confession to make.” Locus said softly as Felix returned to his side from an adventure through the trees. 

Felix raised an eyebrow and looked a little apprehensive, he studied Locus slowly before saying, “Okay..?”

Locus fidgeted a moment before taking a box out of his coat pocket and setting it in Felix’s hand. “I went behind your back. I asked Phyllis to check… she didn’t know you didn’t know. Just that I didn’t. I wanted… I don’t know… I…”

Felix frowned, so clearly confused, then slowly unwrapped the box. Inside sat a black ring, a bright orange garnet set in the middle. “What…”

“I just thought. That we should match. It doesn’t. D-don’t look. I mean.” Locus lost his ability to speak as Felix studied the ring. “I mean. Happy Birthday.”

Felix glanced between the ring and Locus for a second. “It’s my birthday?”

Locus nodded and was glad the cold had already made his cheeks red. “I f-figured the school files would be accurate, they’re government papers essentially, so she’d have to have put your real birthdate when she signed you up. So. I asked Phyllis. I just said that you didn’t tell me and I wanted to surprise you. So she wouldn’t suspect that you didn’t know.”

Felix looked like he was taking a moment to process that so Locus bit his lip and stopped talking.

“Today’s my birthday… Today’s… December… twenty-eighth, right?” Felix stared at Locus, so Locus nodded. “My birthday is December twenty-eighth.” Felix was very quiet for a moment longer before his face split into a grin. “I’m seventeen today.”

Locus smiled as he watched the realisation settle in Felix, watched him bounce and clutch the ring box and stare at Locus. “Happy Birthday.”

“And. You got me a ring.” Felix still seemed a little confused by that, but he was still happy.

Locus ducked his head. “Well. You got me a ring first. I just… thought we should both… have one.”

When he had bought the ring he hadn’t fully understood how he felt, only that it was large and overwhelming and he couldn’t think properly about how to show that to Felix. When he’d put his finger on it, realised that _love_ was the feeling. He’d planned on confessing that, like some big sweeping gesture to show Felix how he felt.

Now things were different, and he couldn’t say it. He still wanted Felix to have the feeling of being loved, without having to deal with the sudden unquestioning reality of it. Whenever Locus looked at his ring he felt like his heart was literally fluttering. He felt like everything every shitty romance novel had ever described, sometimes he wanted to cry with how overwhelming the _feeling_ was. It was amazing. And Locus wanted to give some of that to Felix. So it made sense, then, to buy him a ring too.

Felix laughed at him, or just laughed because then he pulled his gloves off to fit it to a finger. It fit his left ring finger and Locus could have cried for how perfect it worked out. There was nothing official about it, it wasn’t really a claim. Until he got up the nerve to actually talk to Felix about possibly, maybe putting a label on… _them_ , it was a gift from a friend. Maybe it always would be. Locus could be okay with that. Felix looked pleased to have it and held out his hand to look at it.

“You already got me my birthday present though. Over the summer.” Felix pointed out, still grinning widely.

“Yes, well…” Locus shrugged a little. “I thought… you deserved to have a birthday for real. And get a gift on it.”

Felix laughed again and leaned up on his toes to kiss Locus slowly. “Thank you. You’re more than I ever could have dreamed of.”

Locus was eternally grateful he was already red from the cold and Felix couldn’t see just how hard he was blushing. Here, he thought, might have been a good moment. But for the ugly thing love could mean to Felix right now.

So he leaned down and kissed Felix again and again, hoping some part of his feeling could come across through touch alone.

_I love you._

\---

A blizzard hit on New Years. Felix had never heard wind like what hit their cabin, the trees clattered against walls and Kaylee pulled shutters closed to keep anything from breaking the windows. Felix had honestly never seen shutters that weren’t decorative, but apparently storms were serious business up in the mountains. 

“I have never seen anything like that.” Felix mumbled as she stomped inside, brushing snow off as it whipped around outside the door, in thick heavy flakes. Thousands upon thousands of thick heavy flakes and wind that howled like some kind of movie monster.

“It gets nasty up here. We don’t usually get storms like this down in the city.” Kaylee bolted the door and combed her fingers through her hair. “Good thing we got some firewood in this afternoon. I have a feeling it’s going to be a cold night.”

Felix shuddered a little as the wind made a loud horrible sort of sound outside. “It’s… going to be something…”

“This cabin is modern technology, it’s built to last these storms. Don’t freak out.” Kaylee smirked a little.

“I’m not freaking out. I’ve just. Never heard wind like that. It’s…” Felix shrugged as he grasped for words. “Otherworldly.”

“It’s a little freaky.” Abbey admitted, shuffling in from the kitchen to offer Kaylee a cup of hot chocolate.

“Thank you.” Kaylee smiled and sipped it gently. “It is pretty freaky. When I was little I thought it was gonna Wizard of Oz us right out of here. But it’s not too abnormal for mountain storms to be… intense.”

Felix frowned and looked at the shuttered windows and listened to them rattle a little against the storm. “Intense… yeah.”

“Okay.” Anthony said dropping a long black box onto the table. “I think we need to not think about the monster storm outside and put our faith in humanity to the test.”

Locus set a couple more cups of hot chocolate on the table and raised an eyebrow as he studied the box. “The Bigger Blacker Box?”

“Yeah for my birthday my family got me all the expansions. I thought it would be a good way to scandalise Abbey.” He waggled his eyebrows and Abbey stuck her tongue out at him.

“I’ve played Cards Against Humanity before.” Abbey settled into a chair. “Also seriously I got to Charon why do you think I’ll be scandalised?”

“Probably because you’re the nice one?” Felix offered as he settled into a chair himself. “I mean… I’m evil, Kaylee’s evil, Anthony is like… sullen teenager evil, and Locus is an impervious wall of sarcasm.”

Abbey rolled her eyes. “Being nice doesn’t make me some kind of innocent _baby_.”

“You’re the most innocent of us here.” Anthony offered, and started sorting out cards.

“Y’ know what that asks for it. Now I’m gonna just hafta kick your asses.” Abbey puffed out her cheeks and pouted.

Felix had in truth never heard of the game they were playing, but it was funny that Abbey was so offended by her own perceived innocence. He’d had to take a moment and try and sort out just what the fuck they were doing when his hand of cards read “Ethnic Cleansing,” “Half-Assed Foreplay,” “Autocannibalism” and other extremely strange phrases.

“Okay actually I can’t bullshit my way through this, what the fuck are we playing?” Felix made a face and looked at the others.

“Cards Against Humanity. It’s like madlibs for assholes.” Anthony snickered, then went on to explain the rules better, it wasn’t that tricky. Go around in a circle leaving prompt cards, best fill in the blank or response wins, they get a point, first person with ten points wins.

“The number of points ranges depending on how long you wanna play, but 10’s probably a good place t’ put it tonight.” Abbey grinned as she looked over her cards.

And so Felix’s first experience in adult card games began. He didn’t actually win a lot, he was never entirely sure how dark to go or what was actually appropriate. Abbey it turned out could muster a dark goddamn sense of humour in times of great need, she made excellent use of disturbing connotations. 

“I take it back you might be a little evil.” Felix muttered as Abbey accepted another black card, she smiled smugly and giggled.

Then the lights went out.

Everything was very, very dark.

“Fuck there goes the power.” Kaylee muttered and it sounded so much farther away than she should be. 

Their voices echoed in Felix’s ears as everything hummed, he could hear the blood rushing through his ears as he pushed away from the table. He tripped over the chair and landed hard on the floor. 

They were louder now, voices. Friends. Talking. Felix couldn’t make them into words he had to. Had to. 

Run. He had to get away. Away from… Away. He scrambled across the floor but only succeeded in slamming his forehead into the coffee table, hard. Blood. Bleeding. 

He was bleeding, where was he. He didn’t know how to get out of the dark. It was dark he couldn’t see there was no light anywhere. He had to get out. He couldn’t breathe, the more he tried the heavier he felt. He was going to pass out. 

He had to stay awake he had to get out out. He had too--

Light. Bright light was shining on him. Light. He wasn’t. He wasn’t in that room. Why had he thought he was in that room. He still couldn’t breathe, but Locus was there.

Locus was there and Locus was holding him gently and saying something. Locus’ voice. His voice. There were no ghosts here. There was Locus. 

There was light. And Locus. And no ghosts.

For as suddenly as the panic attack had hit him it was painfully slow to pass. He trembled in Locus’ arms as Kaylee lit candles around the cabin and Abbey stopped the bleeding on his forehead. 

His forehead was bleeding… because he ran into the coffee table. Right. In the dark. It wasn’t dark anymore. Locus was holding him and Abbey was taping gauze to his forehead and he was not in the dark anymore.

“Fuck.” He whispered shakily and Locus squeezed his hand a little. “I… I didn’t…”

“I know.” Locus murmured in his ear. “It’s okay. It’s passed. Just breathe for now, okay?”

Felix swallowed thickly and nodded. “O-okay.”

What kind of 17 year-old was afraid of the dark?


	16. Broken Mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix is starting to come apart at the seams

They made sure Felix wasn’t in the dark for the rest of the trip. It felt a lot like they should have talked about it. At least Locus and Felix could have talked about it, but Felix refused. Refused and refused and refused. He wasn’t going to reveal anything. But the panic attack had shown a big crack in his mask.

Felix was not dealing with this.

He wasn’t managing or coping, he was ignoring. He was pretending as hard as he could in hopes of faking it until he made it. But he was definitely, definitely not making it. The little changes Locus had noticed clicked together into a different sort of picture. 

Felix wasn’t just avoiding sex, he was afraid. He was afraid of the dark. Afraid of not having control over his mind. In some ways he was even afraid when Locus wasn’t nearby. Felix was _afraid_. 

Even with Ross dead, Felix was afraid. Locus didn’t blame him. Felix had been through enough of that, had enough trauma, that a fearful reaction was normal. _Locus_ still got afraid, he’d come so close to dying. They’d both come so close to dying. It was terrifying. But Locus accepted that he was afraid and dismissed it. It didn’t work, not always, but it worked more than… Felix. Felix just pretended he wasn’t afraid. Pretended he didn’t have problems, pretended and pretended and it had gotten him this far…

It wasn’t going to take him any farther, though. Now Locus was acutely aware of it, he saw it all the time. Felix did his best to keep people from getting behind him, he grinned too wide, acted too manic. It was _too_ much the other way, Felix acted like _nothing_ bothered him. He barely seemed to get as angry or… anything. He pushed so hard to seem happy. 

Locus felt guilty for thinking most of it was real. It was hard to sort. Felix had been happy on Christmas, had been happy on his birthday, the trip so much of it _seemed_ happy. Felix had a reason to be happy so it made sense.

When they got back to school and Felix continued to bounce excitedly through tasks Locus started to wonder how much had been a lie. When Felix was with him he acted happy, but still… the lights were on, always. He tried to be close to or in contact with Locus constantly. 

Locus hadn’t minded at first. He’d liked the contact, the closeness, that Felix found comfort in his presence. But now he was noticing that Felix needed it. He needed the reassurance, Locus was seeing it now. If they were quietly studying in their room, there were moments Felix would look up like he was checking Locus was still there. Like he was checking he was still where he thought he was. 

Locus wanted to be there for Felix, but he didn’t know how to be the only thing Felix was holding onto. He couldn’t be the only thing keeping Felix afloat. They had about seven months until summer came, and much as Locus hoped that they’d find time together again… Felix was going to have to go home. Felix was going to have to go to a bad place in the dark by himself. And Felix needed to be able to survive that.

He knew the school counselor wasn’t going to be helpful, Locus had had his own meetings with Mr Price and had found the man to be more fascinated than interesting in helping. Mr Price seemed like the kind of man who got into psychology not to help, but because the workings of the human mind were fascinating. He wanted to study the effects of trauma, not treat them. At least as far as Locus was able to see. 

The school was not going to help. There was nothing that anyone here had to offer that would be of any use. He had no resources, the internet was so censored here, everything so closely watched. He’d have to figure it out himself… he just didn’t know how.

\---

Nothing had happened yet. It had been a couple weeks and Felix almost expected something awful the instant he’d gotten back. 

Maybe it was finals. Those were creeping up, and people like Locus who were hunting scholarships were going to be focusing on that. Locus was either at class, at his desk or in the library these days. Study, study, study. 

Felix tried some of his own, his grades had slipped into downright abysmal lately. Usually he could excuse it, learn the material just not bother with any of the work. Tests were easy.

Except he couldn’t focus. He tried in class but there were so many people moving around, being near him. Locus was taking more advanced placement classes, and Felix had to deal with being alone. Not fully alone he had classes with Kaylee, or Anthony or Abbey or even Zachary. But they weren’t… Kaylee protected him and that made her safer. Kaylee absolutely saw him for what he was, no matter how much he pretended. That was… something secure. 

Felix panicked the first time Zachary had spoken to him since… Ross. He couldn’t do it, couldn’t have sex. The idea made him sick. He’d felt pale and shaky and had barely heard what Zachary had been saying. 

Zachary had told him that the ball was in his court. If Felix wanted to hook up, he could come to Zachary, but Zachary wasn’t going to push and wasn’t going to ask until that time. He still talked to Felix though. Even without sex Zachary seemed to have an interest in just being Felix’s friend. Casually. It wasn’t like with the others, friendship that became… something a little like family. Zachary was a friend, shallow and fun and _normal_. 

He wished more things were normal. He didn’t know if school had gotten harder or if it was just that he was a goddamn useless mess. Usually he understood what the teacher was saying, even if he didn’t write it down. He could get how to put it into practice well enough to skate by just good enough.

That wasn’t working anymore. Classes were distracting, people were distracting, everything always was just… distracting. Even sitting in their room, sitting on his bed trying to read Felix felt like something else was pulling at his mind. He’d lose track of where he was. Did he need to run? Sometimes out of nowhere it struck him. He needed to run to get out to hide. He looked at Locus and reminded himself that if Locus was there he was safe. 

The new room was set up differently than the old one, the beds were on the other side, the bathroom and the closet set up differently. There wasn’t much room for creative configuration but it was different. He tried to focus on that.

_I wasn’t in this bed_ he thought to himself as he stared at his textbook. Some war in history he was supposed to know the dates of. Instead… _Something is coming. Something is wrong._

He got up and looked through the closet, tried not to seem like he was checking for something, tucked into the bathroom. Breathed. It was just him and Locus. Locus meant he was safe.

_Ghosts aren’t real. Ghosts can’t touch you. Ghosts can’t hurt you._

He lifted his arms to prove to himself that he could. He wasn’t drugged. He felt off because… because… 

_It’s in your head asshole. It’s just in your head._ he splashed water on his face and winced at the cut on his forehead. That had been such a mess. He’d blown everything then. He’d been doing good, feeling good even. Ross who? It was Christmas. 

Then he’d had to work for it. After the first attack he felt like he was always fending something off. It had felt like a reminder ‘you’re not safe yet’. Something was still coming. Something was still wrong. Christmas was over. There was nothing to look forward too. There was just this. Every day. 

Walking through the hallways felt like waiting for a gun to go off. Something was about to go wrong. People had hated him so much before Christmas, there was no reason for that to change. They were waiting for something big. He couldn’t trust his loner-net anymore. Ross had been one of them. 

Ross was someone they could see themselves in, lonely, separate, different. How easy was it to sympathise with someone struggling with the same thing you were?

Except Ross had been broken under all that. He wasn’t just jealous and covetous and lonely. He was obsessed. He put everything he was onto Felix and died because of it. Died because Felix wasn’t what Ross needed. 

Felix didn’t feel guilty. Ross hadn’t really given him a chance. Not in any real way. And Ross had hurt Locus. Felix couldn’t forgive that.

But the people he could count on last year for information now saw him as an enemy. They were a threat. They were slowly finding each other and uniting in hating _him_.

Nowhere was safe. It was so stupid. Ross was dead he should feel safe from him, but with him Ross had brought an army of danger. An army of ignorant assholes who didn’t know. They hadn’t been there. 

“Are you alright in there?”

He was still in the bathroom. How long had he been staring in the mirror? Fuck. Fuck this was so stupid. He came out at grinned at Locus. “Totally. Didn’t nap properly, I am so not focusing on history. Like _god_ , it’s so boring.” 

Locus wasn’t convinced, he ran his fingers through his hair and rubbed the buzzcut at the back of his head and Felix put himself squarely in that touch.

Locus meant it was safe.

“I don’t know how they can make a war so goddamn boring, y’know? Like it’s a war, basically the definition of excitement and they still boil it down to like… Blah blah blah this white guy, blah blah blah troop movement, so on so forth. Like I can remember which day which army decided to have lunch where?” Felix was babbling, but babbling about homework wasn’t the creeping feeling of something coming up behind him so it was fine.

It was fine. The lights were on, he could see all around him, Locus had his back, no one was coming. No one was hiding. He was safe. Locus meant it was safe.

“I… can’t completely disagree with you. I find it fascinating, but the textbook is… extremely dry.” Locus gave a small half smile.

“See. It should be interesting. It’s just like… ugh make me care.” Felix fell back onto his bed dramatically. “The teacher is dry too, god he just drones, reads the textbook. Totally autopilot. I can’t stay awake for shit, and he never goddamn notices.” Felix picked his textbook back up. “I wish this shit wasn’t mandatory for graduation. God. Electives are the more important classes I think. Less history more how to pay taxes. That’s a life skill. I’m not gonna go into history or politics. Don’t give that ‘those who don’t learn history are doomed to repeat it’ bullshit. _I’m_ not gonna lead a goddamn army or some shit. I’ll probably man a till. Don’t need a lot of war history to tell you that your total is $10.99 sir.” 

“Felix. You could be a lot more…” Locus winced and eased back into his chair. “You sell yourself short…”

“I don’t need to be a lot more. Someone’s gotta be a cashier.” Felix clicked his tongue and made finger guns at Locus. “God it’s almost funny though you know I think my family owns pretty big business in China. Can you imagine me a business tycoon or something? It’s fucking hilarious. Talk stocks and have a heart attack by 30.”

“Who you can be isn’t defined by your family.” Locus wrinkled his nose.

“Well that’s a goddamn relief because then I’d have to be an alcoholic piece of shit. I mean more than I am. I guess. Shit.” Felix made a face as he thought of that. “Well I don’t really want to drink anymore so I can just be a piece of shit I guess. Woohoo breaking the cycle.”

“Felix…” Locus sighed.

“Sorry I know I’m babbling and being distracting.” Felix laughed. “I’m too wired to take a nap, too… blah to study. I’ll shut up though. You got work to do.”

“I don’t mind taking a break, I just… don’t like hearing you talk about yourself that way.” Locus’ frown deepened. “You aren’t a piece of shit. I happen to think you’re a pretty worthwhile person.”

“You would be the first, my friend.” Felix laughed. “But okay, okay I’ll stop being a dramatic asshole. I probably wouldn’t let you talk shit about yourself either. Which by the way means you’re awesome and going to do enough great things for the both of us, don’t worry.”

“You _could_ be someone. As in… you could be someone more than a cashier or minimum wage. If you wanted to.” Locus sighed. “You could come to college with me after high school.”

“Naw, I’ll pay the rent. You go to school I find a job. It’s a perfect plan. Besides minimum wage work’s fine. I’m not gonna be a doctor, I’m not going into business I’m not interested in science. But I can do physical labour. I can do physical stuff pretty good. So I mean like I’ll just be awesome at that, you change the world.” Felix arched and cracked his back with a yawn. “Someone’s gotta do it, man. And I fucking hate school. So I’m going to stop as soon as we’re done here.” 

“All right…” Locus sighed. “I guess we’ll see. I just… want you to be happy with what you do with your life.”

“If I’m doing it with you I’ll be happy.” Felix answered casually. “You focus on your studies, man. Don’t worry about me. I have what I want.”

Locus blushed and didn’t seem to have an answer to that. It was always so fucking cute when Locus blushed like that.

It would be nice if it could stay like this, no creeping dread, just peace and watching Locus be happy. Feeling like definitely there would be a future with him. Felix could stay with him. 

Locus meant it was safe.


	17. Not Quite Failing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Locus has a minor meltdown over grades

Locus still did pretty good at finals. By Felix’s standards Locus did amazing, but by Locus’ standards… he was doing his best to put on a brave face, but he was devastated.

“Most of these are still in the 90s.” Felix wrapped his arms around Locus’ waist and looked at the report card over his shoulder. “I mean you’ll still be able to apply for scholarships and make it into advanced placement next year.”

“Yeah. It won’t be enough for a lot of scholarships, though. The big ones you have to score extremely well. Nevermind getting into the college of my choice. I already have Charon on my record. And other things. I need grades good enough to balance that out.” Locus squeezed Felix’s hand absently and continued reading over teacher’s comments and grades over and over again. He’d studied _so hard_. But his injury had put him at too much of a disadvantage. He’d missed too much school and Charon was too shit to help him catch up properly.

“Y-you usually have to write letters to schools and stuff right? I mean suffering from a severe injury is a good reason for a grade slip. Even though you still did really good I think 88% is still a pretty impressive grade.” Felix rested his forehead against Locus’ back and struggled to think of what he could do to fix this problem.

“If I write a letter saying I was the victim of a violent crime chances are instead of earning leniency I’ll end up putting forth even more of an image of a thug. I’ll already be competing with people who have the money and a good education and prestigious backgrounds.” Locus sighed and folded up the report and set it on the desk. “I need to be better than good if I want to be considered along with all these people. If I want to get in and succeed.”

Felix squeezed him gently in a hug. “There’s still time.”

“You have to start applying early grade 12, so while applying you usually end up using grade 11 grades instead because those are the grades you have. If I don’t apply right out of high school it will be assumed I’m not taking this seriously enough. Some people can get away with taking time off to work or… or whatever rich people do. Explore the world. I _can’t_. I need the grades now so I can hopefully go directly into college out of high school, I need grades to get scholarships to help me pay for college right out of high school. I need to go right out of high school or they’ll assume I’m not taking this seriously enough, if I want to be accepted. Nevermind what it will take to get hired out of college.” Locus was babbling. Locus only babbled when he was overwhelmed. Felix didn’t have any idea how to fix this. 

“Okay. Okay come sit down on the bed.” Felix pulled Locus back gently and sat him down. “We’ll figure something out, okay? I mean we can’t change grades but we can figure some other stuff out. I can figure out some solutions for money. This isn’t all of your grades there’s still next semester. I know this semester was most of your core grades, but electives are still a big deal, right?”

Locus sighed and sat down heavily, then cupped his face in his hands and leaned his elbows on his knees. “You don’t need to pay for my schooling in stolen money, Felix.”

“It’s not stolen. It’s my inheritance.” Felix crossed his arms and tried to think of any of the places he knew his mother had hidden money. “I mean shit if it came to it I could try and threaten my grandparents with revealing how she treated me. I promise you I will figure something out and we’ll get you at least partial tuition.”

“Felix.” Locus sighed again into his hands. “It’s not going to matter if I can’t get into a good school.”

“Well. We’ll figure it out. We’ll do some research. You still did great, like seriously the class average was 60%. I know they’re not what you wanted but they’re not _bad_.” Felix got to his feet and started pacing. “I mean even if you have to wait a year or something so you can use your grade 12 marks, this bullshit won’t happen in grade 12. Your marks last year were a step away from perfect. You got 100% on your chem final. The _only_ thing that held you back this year was getting hurt.”

“If I take a year off it will still look bad on my application.” Locus held out his hands finally. “It comes across lazy and poorly planned. And they aren’t going to know there are special circumstances. They’ll still see the dip in this year’s grade and think I pushed myself extra hard to get in and I’m going to burn out as soon as I get there.”

“Okay.” Felix sighed and crossed his arms. “Complete assholes get into college all the time. You have _amazing_ grades. You don’t really have to worry that you can’t get into college. And what are you looking to go into? Have you decided your career yet? I mean there are a lot of different programs…”

“I… am still trying to decide between engineer, doctor or lawyer.” Locus sighed softly. 

“Well there you go all three of those have a ton of options.” Felix held out his hands. “So you don’t get into the number one best school. You still get into a school and learn the skill.”

“If it’s not a good school the degree will seem worthless compared to everyone else competing in the field.” Locus shook his head.

“We’ll work it out. We have a year and a half to get it all figured. There’s research available. Maybe the counselors here are garbage but there’s gotta be career counselors out there we can talk to.”

Locus lay back on his bed with another heavy sigh. It was driving Felix crazy to see him this upset. “I have to start sending my applications early next year if I want to start getting considered. I have a few months to figure things out. Maybe.”

“Then we do that. You work on next semester and I’ll… I’ll figure out the rest. I’ll find a career counselor.” Felix sat down beside Locus and curled up in a ball. “I’ll figure it out.”

Locus shook his head. “Why do you care so much about my future but refuse to try for your own.”

“You _have_ a future. That’s important. I’ll support that.” Felix wrapped his arms around his knees and glared at their desks. He was hopeless, but he could support Locus. That was good enough. He could make sure Locus got what he wanted.

\---

Locus was working so hard as the new semester started. Writing then rewriting notes at the end of the day after the homework was finished just to make sure he fully understood. He did extra homework just in case it would help, would boost his grades. It was almost painful to watch.

Homework and studying were all Locus was doing. He brought his notes to lunch, he spent his weekends in the library. Felix tried to follow him through it. He didn’t like being where Locus wasn’t, but their classes weren’t the same, Felix couldn’t work like Locus did. He couldn’t put his head down for six hours and never look up. 

Locus lost himself in studying and Felix tried to be supportive and helpful, but he realised ultimately what Locus needed was for Felix to _go away._

Felix was a distraction. In so many ways. He wanted to talk, to cuddle, he wanted Locus to touch him so he could make sure it was real. 

Locus had his own life to worry about though. Locus had to study, even though it was just the beginning of the semester, even though now didn’t count… Finals were haunting Locus and instead of relaxing after their conclusion Locus was focusing doubly hard.

So Felix paced the halls and tried to find something worth doing. He didn’t want to be alone, being alone made it so easy to slip out of his head and somewhere else. But he couldn’t take the quiet anymore either, couldn’t handle knowing that everything he did was actually annoying Locus instead of helping.

If he got too annoying Locus would leave entirely. So Felix had to find something else. He couldn’t be alone it just made him loop around in his head until all he could hear was Ross dying. He couldn’t be with too many people he felt to vulnerable, too out in the open, anyone could be an enemy. He was in danger everywhere. He hated it.

When had he gotten that pathetic? He’d been holding it together for over a month, how did one slip up mean everything needed to fall apart around him? One flashback and then he’s hearing Ross everywhere. Feeling ghost hands on his body. His hand throbbed and itched and he felt afraid for his life all over again. He was going to die, he was really going to die, if he didn’t do… something.

Run, hide, get out. 

Felix shook himself. He was in the middle of a well lit hallway. Ross was dead. Ross couldn’t kill him because Ross was dead. And ghosts weren’t real. 

Every stupid thing was a threat these days. Someone walking too close, no one walking close enough, dark, strange noises, touch, no touch… 

Maybe it was because he’d thought he’d been safe. His uncle was dead that was never supposed to happen again. He was supposed to be strong enough, smart enough, fast enough to stop anyone else. It wasn’t supposed happen anymore. Charon wasn’t _safe_ but it was still his safe place. He knew what to expect from it, a sanctuary from his home. A safe place that wasn’t safe was still… it was better.

He was standing outside his old room. His feet had just taken him there without thinking. It was still taped up. There were flowers and melted candles at the door. A tiny shrine to a rapist. He wanted to break it. 

“You will be missed!” declared a sign backing the little set up, his yearbook photo was framed in a place of honour, dried flowers scattered over the floor. 

What good did it do? Did it make them feel better for ignoring him? Did they feel better if they got to pretend they had cared all along. If any of these people had cared about Ross, talked to Ross, tried being his friend… maybe Ross wouldn’t have fixated on Felix like he had. If Ross had had anyone else in his life…

They blamed him. They blamed Felix for Ross’ death but they were just as guilty. Everyone here, and the worthless counselling system of the school. Hargrove wanted to make it Felix’s fault, it was neater that way, it meant he didn’t have to admit how badly his school had failed. If they wanted to hate anyone why couldn’t people just hate Hargrove. 

He seriously considered kicking the shrine down. Just breaking everything and scattering it throughout the halls. He wanted everyone to just _stop_. Stop worshipping a monster. Stop acting like Ross was the victim of that night.

He didn’t want to be the victim but he wanted to stop being… this. All of this. 

\---

Locus felt like a monster again. He needed to study but he didn’t need to shut Felix out to do it. But… but Felix’s need was scaring him. Felix couldn’t depend only on Locus. 

Felix needed something, and Locus needed something, and they needed to find what that was, but… Locus couldn’t be the only thing keeping Felix afloat. Felix wasn’t going to have Locus over the summer, and soon, the way Felix was going, just having Locus wasn’t going to be enough.

Locus couldn’t be responsible for everything Felix was refusing to deal with. Locus couldn’t drop everything and exist only for Felix. He couldn’t do it. But he had no idea what else to do. So he panicked and pulled away.

He needed to study anyway. He did. He needed to have grades good enough to justify last semester. It was an easy excuse. It meant it wasn’t personal. It wasn’t because of Felix, it was because he needed to study. It wasn’t…

Locus was panicking. He didn’t know how to handle the degree of traumatised Felix was. He couldn’t do it, so he was panicking. Who did you even turn to for that? He didn’t even know what he was afraid of. Felix was falling apart, but into what? What was going to happen? Maybe not knowing was more terrifying. 

“So you’re Locus.” A girl put her books down across from him and studied him. 

Locus didn’t know her, she looked to be about the same grade as him but Locus couldn’t know for sure. “I’m sorry did you need something.”

“I wanted to know what it’s like to fuck a murderer.” She smirked a little and crossed her arms.

Locus flipped his books closed. This was ridiculous. This was unnecessary and completely repulsive.

“What can’t handle the facts?”

“The facts are… Ross killed himself. He killed himself after he attempted to kill both me and Felix. Those are the facts.” Most of the school didn’t know about the zolpidem, most of the school didn’t know what Ross had done. Just that he’d died. “He stabbed me in the stomach. Do you know how often that kind of injury is fatal? He wanted me to die.”

“Well maybe you should have died then.” She snapped and leaned forward across the table. “You’re kind of disgusting. You know that, right? He must have known that. Felix is a monster and you… you’re acting like nothing happened. Holding hands in the cafeteria like it’s a fucking joke. Maybe you both should have died.”

Locus breathed slowly out his nose and picked up his pile of books. “That’s enough.”

“Coward. You’re such a fucking coward.” She was right, but she didn’t know why. Locus was absolutely a coward. “Someone died because of you. And you don’t care. You’re disgusting.”

“Ross died because of his own actions.”

“Ross died because he fell in love with a monster. And you, you let it happen. You hold that monster and act like he’s the one who got hurt. People heard him you know? Telling him he was worthless, goading him on. It’s Felix’s fault Ross is dead. Remember that the next time you fuck him. You’re disgusting.” 

It wasn’t his place. If Felix hadn’t told anyone then it wasn’t Locus’ place to correct people. But it set him so on edge every time he heard something like this. Like Ross hadn’t done anything wrong. All he could claim were his own injuries, but somehow that was easy to dismiss.

“Ross was a monster.” Locus said softly. “I don’t care what you think of me.”

“Disgusting.” She hissed. “I guess you’re just as bad as he is. There’s blood on your hands too.”

Locus couldn’t understand how so many people could get so much so wrong.


	18. Human Beings In A Mob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few problems come to head and some truths come out

Locus wasn’t entirely sure how he’d gotten surrounded coming out of the library, but there he was, getting blocked and shoved by other students heading in one certain direction. He was too big to slip through a gap between them without shoving, and too polite to actually shove anyone. 

He considered, possibly, that they knew this, because shortly after he considered just pushing his way through so he could actually get to his room someone shoved him sharply from behind. It was so sudden and unexpected that he fell forward, his books scattering across the floor. 

“What--” He was cut off when there was a sudden chilling rush of water being poured over his head, soaking him thoroughly. He barely had time to hope his books weren’t damaged before he was being grabbed by many people and pushed out an open door into the cold.

As the door slammed shut Locus remembered that they’d done this to Felix once too. He had seriously underestimated how cold it was to be drenched to the bone and tossed into the snow. When he tried the door he found it was locked and the metal of the handle stripped skin from his hand. That he should have known better. Wet skin and metal did that.

He shivered and hugged himself and went to find the next door as people called insults from the other side. Was this sort of thing happening a lot to Felix? Still? If everywhere he turned he was actually in danger of assault no wonder he jumped at every sound. 

He grabbed the second door with his hands in his sleeves but it was locked too. It wasn’t supposed to be, the school doors shouldn’t lock for another hour. Locus couldn’t tell if this was a new security measure or if it was a plan. He was wondering why they had targeted him when he thought about the girl in the library. That was probably it, wasn’t it? He supposed it wasn’t that unheard of that the Ross situation was getting this extreme. He’d died. He’d died and Felix was keeping the details a secret. People reacted very extremely to the death of a classmate. Teenagers weren’t supposed to die. It was going to be a big deal for a very very long time, even in the future when nobody had ever met any of them, it was going to be a big deal.

In honesty it was probably more surprising that they hadn’t really targeted Locus until now. He’d never, in any way, made it a secret of his support for Felix, his affection for Felix. He did hold his hand in the cafeteria, to someone who didn’t see them in private they probably looked happy and unaffected by Ross’ death. 

That understanding was not making him feel entirely sympathetic, though, as his fingers stung and his ears burned and his eyelashes tried to freeze together. His feet had passed being frozen straight into being numb. It shouldn’t have been this cold, but the ice water made it all so much worse. 

The cafeteria had glass doors and large windows facing out into the field, if anyone was in there, even if the door was locked they might let him in. The cold was making his side ache fiercely and he just wanted to get dry. His hair was starting to ice over.

There was a group in the cafeteria, and at first he thought that meant there was hope. He pounded on the door when he found it to be locked too. But in the middle of the group was the girl from the library who grinned brightly when she spotted him. 

The person she had been facing before that had been Felix. He was being held tight by two larger boys, and when he looked up to see Locus he began to struggle.

This was more than a petty game, something serious was happening. He tucked his hands against his chest and tried something to keep warm. This was his last door. Unless the mob got what they wanted he was going to end up with hypothermia. So long as he was shivering he was okay, right? That was how it was supposed to go…

\---

They’d cornered him at the shrine. He should have kicked it in, he got himself an asskicking anyway. They’d hit him, kicked him, then dragged him through the hallways by his legs. After the first few hits Felix just went down. He wasn’t going to fight them, he couldn’t get away from them, they weren’t going to leave him alone until they got what they wanted.

He hoped they didn’t put him in the hospital again. He was really, _really_ sick of the hospital. 

They stopped in the cafeteria and two boys picked him up and held him standing as a large mob surrounded him. Were they all going to hit him? This was going to take for-fucking-ever. A girl stepped through the crowd and held up a phone like she was filming him. He wondered how she got a phone through security but there was a signal blocker in the school so it probably just didn’t matter if she had a phone since she couldn’t use it.

She could still use it as a camera, though. He flashed a bloody grin in her direction. “Be sure to get my good side.”

“You think everything’s a joke, don’t you?” She clicked her tongue and shook her head. 

“I think _this_ is a joke. Easy to play high and mighty in a mob, huh?” Someone punched him in the gut and he gagged. The boys were the only things keeping him up for a second while he found his feet again. “I mean it’s not a really good joke…”

“Be serious. You’re here to confess.” She hissed. “We waited for the courts to handle it. We thought we could trust that. But they let you wander our halls. They put us all in danger letting a murderer walk loose among us.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake…” Felix groaned and hung his head. This was getting _so fucking stupid_. “I am not a murderer.”

Someone hit him again. Someone should really explain that even if he confessed after all this, it would never be legally binding. Due to all the assault happening beforehand. 

“Confess!” She howled, and the group around her echoed it. “You killed him. And you walk around like you don’t even care. We won’t share this space with a monster!”

“I didn’t. Kill. Anyone.” Felix hissed and someone slapped him hard. His mind was starting to slip. Ross hadn’t smacked him around at least, he didn’t feel like he was slipping into that night again. This just felt like home. It made him tired.

There was a bang from across the room, someone was pounding on the door by the windows. Why was someone outside.

“Oh good the guest of honour is here.” The girl spun around with a gleeful edge to her voice. She was having way too much fun with this. That was annoying. He was going to have to warn Kaylee about… her…

The person at the door was Locus. He was leaning against the glass door and shivering. There was frost in his hair and on his clothes. That meant his body heat was losing against the cold, didn’t it? Why was he out there?

“What the fuck are you doing?” His voice cracked as he struggled against the hold of the two boys. This wasn’t funny. This was dangerous, Locus looked so cold. This couldn’t be good for him. He wasn’t totally healed yet. “Let him in! You have to let him in!”

“Not until you confess!” The girl spun back to him and pointed her phone at him. “Confess!”

Felix grit his teeth and glared at her, then looked to Locus who was curling in on himself a little. He’d never seen Locus look small before. 

“You want a fucking confession?” He finally growled. “How’s this? Ross was a rapist. He slipped a goddamn fucking roofie in my drink. I barely made it through supper that night. I woke up to him using me like a goddamn fuck pillow to get off. That’s who you’re mobilising for. He gave me so much the hospital said I almost ODed. I almost went into a bullshitting coma. So he could get his rocks off on me. He brought a knife so he could kill me, then himself. Killing himself was always his fucking plan. That’s what happened that night. I could barely move.”

The two guys holding him up were loosening his grip as he talked, he could tell a lot of the group was getting a lot less interested in this attack. The girl seemed seriously pissed off that this wasn’t going to script.

“He stole my underwear for a year. He stabbed Locus because he wanted to keep me to himself. He demanded that I be his. Not love, just _his_. I was the fuck doll of his dreams. So that’s what you’re defending. A stalker, a rapist, and a would-be murderer. He killed himself because he’d planned that from the start. Because I didn’t want him he didn’t take me with him. I passed out under a desk. I couldn’t have murdered him if I wanted to. I could barely keep myself alive.” He held up his scarred hand as the boys let his arms go. “This was two seconds away from going into my chest instead. It took all my strength just to lift my arm. I passed out for the whole next day. I nearly died anyway. You wanna know how able to kill someone I was? Go OD on sleeping pills and see how well you do. _Fuck you._ I’m fucking _done_ with this. I’m done.”

The girl growled and turned off her phone. “You fucking liar-- what are you doing?!” 

Members of the group were letting Locus into the room. No one was looking at Felix anymore but Felix didn’t care. He didn’t want an apology, he just wanted it to stop. He ran to Locus’ side as he stumbled into the building. “Fuck are you okay?”

“Am I still shivering?” Locus mumbled as he leaned against Felix. 

It took Felix a moment to understand what he meant, then nodded. “Yeah. Yeah you’re still shivering. Let’s get you warmed up, okay?”

Locus nodded slowly and let Felix cup his hands around Locus’. “Warm would be nice…”

The girl was still standing in the middle of the cafeteria glaring at him, but her mob had dispersed, guiltily shrinking off into different hallways to hide in different dorms. Felix didn’t care. He hoped his video didn’t end up on the internet or something, that was a problem he didn’t need, but right now he had to get Locus into warm shower and a fresh change of clothes and some hot chocolate and whatever else he could get to warm him up. 

The shrine was gone a couple days later.

\---

“I’m sorry you got caught up in my shit.” Felix mumbled as Locus tried to copy his notes from the water-smudged wrecks that were his old notebooks. 

Locus sighed and turned in his chair to look at Felix. He looked so miserable and tired, and Locus felt awful about that. “I got a little cold.” He pushed out of his chair and went to sit beside Felix on the bed. “I think I got the good end of things. I should copy these notes anyway…”

Felix sighed and leaned his head against Locus’ arm. “Do you think it’ll end now?”

“I hope so.” Locus wrapped his arm around Felix’s shoulder. “How are you feeling? About everyone knowing?”

“Shitty. I don’t wanna deal with it. But if people’ll stop hitting me ‘cause they felt bad for him then… at least something good would come from it. You know. Or not shitty. I dunno.” Felix closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m so tired of this shit, man. I’m just so goddamn tired.”

“I know.” Locus sighed and kissed the top of Felix’s head. He wished he had the answer. He wished he had the answer to either of their problems. Maybe he could get Phyllis’ advice for real psychiatric help, she’d worked at a real hospital once. She might know… but he’d have to convince Felix of it first.

As for his school issues? He had no idea. Maybe he was just going to have to settle for doing alright instead of excellent. He wasn’t really accepting that very well though. Maybe Felix was right and he’d be able to find a career counselor to talk to. Someone who wasn’t the bottom of the barrel that Charon employed. If only the both of them could get away from Charon.

“I hope it doesn’t end up on the internet. That might bring the legal storm back up. And Hargrove pretty much forbade me from talking about it so he’d be pretty pissed.” Felix leaned more heavily against Locus. “How do normal people deal with this shit?”

“I think… normal people have parents and a school that supports them, and actual help from competent counselors or psychologists…” Locus stroked Felix’s hair softly and felt him relax at his side. “I don’t think I’m enough to be a complete support system.”

Felix was quiet a long moment then nodded. “I’m sorry. I don’t know where to go.” His voice was very soft, and Locus hugged him a little closer.

“We’ll figure it out. Just like there are career counselors outside this school, there are actual psychologists somewhere too.” 

“Anyone’d be better than Price.” Felix laughed a little. 

“That’s… highly probable. I don’t think Price has any interest in helping anyone at all.” Locus said dryly and continued to stroke Felix’s hair.

“He just thinks we’re interesting, Hargrove just hates us… the only decent person at this school is Phyllis.” Felix’s voice was muffled against Locus’ chest and heavy with exhaustion.

“Maybe we’ll ask her for help, then.” Locus sighed. “She’s helped before.”

“Yeah… Phyllis might help. She’s so weird for an adult.” Felix giggled a little and let Locus shift him so he was laying down properly. “Actually helpful. You don’t meet a lot of those.”

“Unfortunately, you do not.” Locus pulled the blankets up for Felix. “You gonna be able to sleep if I keep working.”

“Mmhm. It’s good when I can hear you working. I like knowing you’re there.” Felix curled up and buried his face against his pillow. 

“Alright then. I’m here. Get some sleep.” Locus kissed Felix’s forehead. 

“You too. Zombie.”


	19. That Didn't Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hargrove is a piece of shit

The major downside to a school with no real form of entertainment was that gossip spread faster than colds. And while some people had enough tact to know what was and what wasn’t gossip fodder, there was a reason a lot of the kids that attended Charon were there. They were exactly the type of people to whisper about date-rape and suicide like it was a TV show rather than something that happened to people in real life.

Even people who had morals brought it up, though that was in phone calls home. After all, how could you really feel safe in a school where someone gets raped and nearly murdered and security had been powerless to do anything. After all, Felix’s attack had been _after_ the big sweep. They were stealing everyone’s hairspray but they couldn’t find a knife or drugs? What was the point?

Some were whispering that Felix was too much of a slut to be raped, or a boy so he must have liked it. Those were infuriating, but unfortunately not surprising. It was the first time people had whispered it about him, but it wasn’t the first time Felix had heard things like that. It did give him a clear indication of who he never wanted to associate with.

“Laura-Jean.” Kaylee said tapping her fork against her lip. “Is a cunt.”

“ _Kaylee_!” Abbey gasped, probably at Kaylee’s vocabulary more than the insult.

“She _is_.” Kaylee made a face. “She’s one of those morally righteous types. Witch trial sort.”

“Yeah, noticed that part.” Felix pointed out dryly. “She would’ve fit right in torturing someone to confession. I’m sure she’s very disappointed she missed her chance.”

“She seems a little like she might continue to be a problem.” Locus glanced across the cafeteria and spotted the girl staring at them once again. 

Kaylee sighed and made a face as she considered the situation. “I can try and have a word with her but… I mean, Felix, she probably already hated you for a number of puritanical reasons. This just gave her the excuse to rally people.”

“Yay.” Felix muttered unenthusiastically. 

“Sorry. I’ll still try, I just can’t promise anything.” Kaylee shrugged a little. “She already thinks I’m a violent whore and all that bullshit. I think she had a very conservative family. A vocally conservative family. I think at this point she’s mostly toothless though. She lost control of her mob. You’ll notice she’s sitting alone now.”

“I know.” Felix shrugged. “I just want this situation to go away and somehow it still keeps coming up over and over again.”

“Well, we’ll keep an eye out for more bullshit in the future, promise.” Kaylee crossed her arms. “I should’ve seen Laura-Jean coming. I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault a lot of people had been muttering the same things. Hard to tell the grumbling from actual threats of violence.”

Kaylee didn’t look fully convinced, and glared in Laura-Jean’s direction. “I’ll keep her off your back as much as I can. I’ve been meaning to have words with that bitch for a while now.”

\---

Felix was starting to feel comfortable as Spring Break rolled through, at least as comfortable as he could get. He had, with Locus’ assistance, made the first step in maybe talking to someone outside the school. Someone with a fucking degree, or empathy… They didn’t need to be super empathetic just… not Price. Phyllis was even willing to see if she could get in touch with a career counselor from a local college.Though, while Locus had an excuse for why parents weren’t setting things up for him, being that he had none, Felix did not. And that probably made Phyllis curious, Felix tried to play it off like his mother just didn’t understand… which made him feel a little dirty. He didn’t like lying much, especially not to someone like Phyllis who was a worthwhile sort of person.

The point, though, was that things were moving. Felix was getting attacked less in the hallways and that was somehow managing to do wonders for his little anxiety attacks. And he’d learned what things would set off flashbacks for the most part, and was managing to avoid them. It wasn’t necessarily a _healthy_ way of dealing with things but he wasn’t having daily attacks anymore so that was… something.

It was definitely something.

Unfortunately people had access to the internet when they went home for Spring Break. And teenagers with unsupervised access to the internet will communicate. 

Felix didn’t end up on Youtube, he ended up on the news. His face was censored, apparently, but… 

“Somehow you always seem to be in the center of all of my problems, don’t you?” Hargrove was not impressed. At all. His stupid melted-looking face was pinched in fury. 

“You know they edited it out of that clip but I was _kind of_ under duress…” Felix shrugged a little, it didn’t seem to help.

“And you didn’t see fit to report this situation? Just as you didn’t see fit to report any of situations leading up to the… event.” Hargrove held out his hands as if he was exasperated. “You don’t think, perhaps, it might help if _we_ knew there was a video to be dealt with?”

“Do… you want an honest answer to that?” Felix bit his tongue. Attitude was not going to help this situation at all. 

Hargrove stared at him a long moment then pushed out of his chair. “Do you have any idea how many calls I have received since that video went out?”

“Were you… not already getting calls? I mean kids were kinda already talking…” Felix winced a little. “I mean to each other, to their parents… it wasn’t a secret.”

“I was fairly certain we had an agreement that it would be. I was fairly certain we had agreed that it was in both our interests to keep it discrete.” Hargrove placed his hands on his desk and glared down at Felix.

“They literally grabbed me and beat the shit out of me first. It’s edited out but I didn’t just tell them for no reason, you can still see that two guys are holding me.” Felix gestured. “It was some chick named Laura-Jean who recorded the video. She got the people together, why don’t you talk to her?”

“There are parents pulling their children out of the school, contacting the school board, contacting _anyone_ who will listen. Do you have even the slightest idea how much trouble you are causing?”

“ _I_ didn’t though. I didn’t--”

“You did _enough_.” Hargrove snapped then took a slow even breath. “In order to try and implement some damage control we’ll make a statement to the press. You will recant your… confession. You’ll--”

“ _Bullshit_. I’m not going out there and saying it was all a lie. Fuck you!” Felix jumped out of his chair. “I’m not going on the fucking news for you.”

“You absolutely will. This is not a negotiation.”

“Go fuck yourself, I _absolutely_ will not. You put me in front of a crowd I’ll tell them _this_. I’ll tell them you blackmailed me into silence and you tried to make me lie. I’ll drag you the fuck down with me.” Felix snarled and squared his shoulders back. There was no way he could be larger or more imposing than the stupid old man but he was going to stand his ground anyway.

“One week’s suspension.”

“It’s _Spring Break_.”

“I don’t care, you’re suspended. If you don’t go to the suspension hall I’ll have security escort you.” Hargrove snapped and turned away from Felix.

“Funny how security’s never actually there to make people secure, just bully people around for you, you withered old _cock_.” Felix stormed out of the room and slammed the door. 

\---

Locus was worried when Felix didn’t make it back to their room after his meeting with Hargrove. He was even more worried when evening started to crawl in and he couldn’t find Felix anywhere in the school. 

Finally Phyllis had found out that Felix had been suspended.

“But it’s Spring Break. How do you suspend someone on break?” Locus frowned deeply.

“I don’t know, it’s not written down why he was suspended, just that’s where he is for the next week.

“A _week_. He’s suspended for a week?” Locus reared back and stared at Phyllis with horror. “They can’t put him in solitary for a _week_.”

“I mean, technically they can, but they have to write it up. I can try to figure out--”

“No, I mean I don’t think he’ll last the _night_ let alone a week.” Locus reached out to grab her arm. “He has flashbacks in the dark. Like… what you read about PTSD style flashbacks. His mental state isn’t good enough for solitary. They _can’t_ put him in there for a week.”

“You didn’t tell me he was this bad.” Phyllis frowned at Locus. “I would have worked harder to get him a psych consult sooner, why didn’t you--”

“Because it’s Felix he has a hard enough time admitting he has emotions, let alone bad emotions. You have to do something. Felix can’t be in solitary.” Locus’ heart was racing, he had no idea what he was going to do. He had to figure out some way to get Felix out. “God what did he even do to earn a week of suspension?”

“I’ll look into it. Calm down. I’ll talk to Hargrove and get things sorted out. This is an adult matter now. Go back to your room, okay? It’s almost lights out. Go rest and I’ll sort it out.” Phyllis put her hands on Locus’ shoulders to steady him. It was a little ridiculous he was almost a foot taller than her, but he still nodded. 

“Thank you.” Locus sighed and hung his head, then scrubbed his face with his hands. “God damn it.”

\---

Felix was practically counting down the seconds until lights out. Why were there no windows in this building? It was bad enough alone in the quiet. Nothing but his thoughts, the noises his brain made up to fill the silence. There was nothing to distract himself with. Nothing to take his mind off everything wrong. Everything he didn’t want to think of. 

Locus wasn’t there. Locus wasn’t there and it wasn’t safe. It couldn’t be safe. Not when it was going to be dark, and he was going to be alone and there was nowhere he could go. There was no desk to hide under, no book to lose himself in, there was nothing to protect himself with. All there were were ghosts. 

So many ghosts that crept in on him without light to prove they weren’t there. If he couldn’t see he couldn’t know what was there. He hadn’t been able to see, couldn’t see, he couldn’t do that again.

“Please can you just leave the lights on? Please?” He leaned against the door and yelled, hoping _someone_ would hear him. “Please? Just leave them on.”

For a few minutes he thought they had listened, but his clock was just fast. His timing was off. The lights clicked off right when they were supposed to and Felix breathed hard through his teeth to try and keep under control.

“Ghosts aren’t real. Ghosts aren’t real and can’t hurt you. Ghosts aren’t real. Ghosts aren’t real.” He whispered to himself as he crouched low. Where could he hide? How could he hide? He needed to get out. Could he move his arms? He could still move. He rubbed his face and pressed his back against the wall. Nothing could sneak up on him against the wall, right? 

Locus wasn’t there, he wasn’t safe.

“Ghosts aren’t real.” He whispered again and again and crawled across the floor. He had to find somewhere safer. Somewhere they couldn’t find him. Somewhere they couldn’t touch him. 

The bed was low to the ground. So low… but he was skinny. He was still very very skinny he might be able to make it. He had to make it. If he could barely fit no one else could fit. They couldn’t get him there.

He squirms and the bed scraped his back and it was hard to breath but Felix made it. He made it under and wiggled to press himself against the wall. Against the wall under the bed no one could sneak up on him no one could get to him. 

“Ghosts aren’t real.” 

Locus wasn’t there, it wasn’t safe.

\---

“How the fuck did he even get under there?” 

The light came back on. It had been hours, he thought someone was touching him, he bit his lip to keep from screaming. His mouth tasted like blood and his eyes leaked a steady stream of tears. He’d been crying for hours but he hadn’t screamed. He’d stayed quiet. They couldn’t find him if he was quiet.

A hand reached for him under the bed and he shrank back as far as he could. 

“Come here you little shit head.” The official? Security? Guard? Someone. Someone was growling at him.

Felix bit him.

“Mother fucker!” The hand drew back. 

“Well what the fuck did you expect.” Phyllis. Phyllis was there. Her voice was sharp with anger. How often had Felix even heard her angry? She’d been annoyed with him before. 

“I didn’t expect him to fit under the goddamn bed.” 

“Felix?” Phyllis’ voice was softer now, coaxing, she was crouching in front of the bed. “Felix it’s okay. You can come out.”

“Where’s Locus?” Felix’s voice felt rough, shaky. He hadn’t slept, hadn’t screamed. He hadn’t screamed.

“Locus is waiting outside. If you come out with me we can go see him, okay?” Phyllis didn’t reach under the bed like the other person did. She just crouched and waited.

“I’m not doing Hargrove’s conference.” Felix narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “You’re not gonna make me do it.”

“What conference?” Phyllis looked like she honestly didn’t know. Maybe she didn’t. She was a decent person. Even as an adult she was a decent person. 

“He wants me to say I made it up. He wants me to say I lied about Ross so that parents stop bothering him.” Felix whispered, he still wasn’t moving from under the bed. “He’s in trouble, he wants to fuck me over to fix it, but I won’t do it.”

“Felix you will never have to do that. I will make sure of that.” Phyllis’ voice was hard now, angry again but not at him. That was more reassuring than the coaxing voice. Now Phyllis sounded like herself. Like a person. 

Slowly he started to wriggle out, then he hesitated. “I’ll tell them if you try and make me. I’ll tell everyone and Hargrove can rot in hell. You can’t make me do it. I’ll bring this goddamn school with me if you try to fuck me I swear to god.”

“You will _never_ have to do that. I will stop them, okay? I know you don’t have a lot of reason to trust adults, but I promise you I will stop them. If _I_ have to drag them down around me I will keep you from having to do that.” 

He hesitated a moment longer, then continued wriggling out from under the bed. Phyllis had helped him before. Helped him multiple times. Phyllis was the only adult he’d ever met who kept promises. The only time she’d ever broken his trust was to save his life and Felix had forgiven that a long time ago. 

“I trust you.” He said very slowly. “If you make me regret trusting you… I’ll…”

“I know. I’ll protect you.” She held out a hand to help him to his feet and he took it.

Felix didn’t know what to say to that, so he nodded and gripped her hand tightly. He felt dizzy from no sleep and the fear and so much… He rubbed his eyes then looked at her as squarely as he could manage.

“I want to see Locus now.”

“Okay. We’ll go see Locus now.”


	20. The Right Kind Of Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enter Dr Emily Grey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished some profile pics for Locus and Felix. Even if Felix is pre-haircut...

 

Phyllis had just finished applying bandages to the larger cuts Felix had managed to give himself crawling under the bed when Hargrove burst into her office. There was a deep scowl on his drooping face and he slammed the door open as he came in.

“Under _what_ authority do you think--”

“My authority as medical supervisor of Charon Academy.” Phyllis taped the last bandage in place and let Felix pull his sweatshirt back on. “Should I feel that a student’s health is at risk I am absolutely authorised to take action. Which is what I did.”

“In what way is the boy’s health at risk? Those injuries, I’ve been told, were self-inflicted. In normal circumstances the rooms are perfectly safe.” Hargrove gestured with disgust and Phyllis got to her feet.

“Mental health, Mr Hargrove, is a very important matter.” Phyllis’ mouth was a tight line. “If a student is in such a mental state that they are physically injuring themselves, then their health is at risk, and it is my place and my _job_ to step in.”

“You’re being ridiculous. The boy obviously did it for attention, that’s all he ever seems to do. Catering to his childish temper tantrums is not part of your job. Your misplaced favouritism is no _reason_ to undermine my authority.” Hargrove sneered at Felix, who resisted the urge to flip him off and simply glared in return.

“Either way I have an old associate coming in to do a psychiatric evaluation, I’m sure it will help settle the matter. She should be here shortly if you would like to wait _in the hall_.” Phyllis crossed her arms and squared her shoulders.

“Mr Price already spoke with Felix and cleared him for study.” Hargrove waved her off. “There’s no need to bring an outside party into this matter.”

“I felt very strongly that there was a need. Mr Price is a counselor, he’s not qualified to give diagnosis or provide full analysis outside of the most basic of psychological needs.” Phyllis snapped. “ _This matter_ is more serious than slipping grades or poor study habits.”

Felix was pretty sure Price would be offended by that, and he kind of wished the man had been there to hear it.

“Oh here we are!” A new voice, light and bubbly, joined the conversation as a woman poked her head inside. “I hope I’m not interrupting anything too serious! I’m afraid I don’t have a whole lot of time to wait.”

“Emily.” Phyllis smiled at the woman and gestured for her to come in. She hopped in casually, barely paying Hargrove much notice. “Thank you for coming on such short notice.”

“Of course, Phyllis! I’m happy to help! I had a cancellation so I have a bit more time to speak with him than I thought I would but I’d really appreciate if I could begin soon? I have to be back to the hospital in two hours.” The woman was of average height, black hair tied back in a loose bun to reveal the underside was dyed purple of all colours.

“Who is this?” Hargrove pushed himself back into the conversation irritably.

“Oh! I’m Dr Emily Grey!” The woman beamed and held out a hand and shook Hargrove’s enthusiastically, though he seemed less than pleased to meet her. “Phyllis and I used to work together, she asked I come in for an emergency analysis! I was happy to make time for an old friend!”

“Thank you again, Emily.” Phyllis smiled at Dr Grey, and pointedly ignored Hargrove.

“I really don’t think this is necessary.” Hargrove scowled, but the doctor waved him off cheerfully.

“Oh it’s really no trouble. I’m a licensed psychiatrist, and I really am happy to lend a hand for Phyllis.” Dr Grey beamed despite the deepening frown on Hargrove’s face. “Now, I would really like to get started if we could?”

“Of course. Felix? This is Dr Emily Grey, she’s a friend of mine, you can talk to her. She’ll be able to give you some suggestions to help you, okay?” Phyllis turned to hold a hand out to Felix and he studied Dr Grey a moment longer before taking Phyllis’ hand and getting off the cot.

“Okay…”

“Hello Felix it’s a pleasure to meet you. Phyllis has only told me a little, but please feel free to tell me everything.” Felix would probably have been offended by her tone if he hadn’t just seen her use it on everyone else in the room. She spoke a little like adults spoke to small children, too sweet and too happy.

“This is entirely--” Hargrove started but Dr Grey turned to him and Phyllis again.

“Is it alright if we use your office, Phyllis? I’m going to need you all to leave if that’s the case. Privacy is very important.”

“You can use my office, that works well, as Mr Hargrove and I have to have a conversation anyway.” Phyllis smiled in a way that was just a little too sharp before she turned again on Hargrove. “Shall we?”

She ushered Hargrove out of the room despite his protest and then Dr Grey turned to Locus. “I’m afraid that means you too, young man. Private means private.”

“D-does he have to?” Felix hated himself for the slight shake in his voice. “Um. He’s already heard all of it, and he sees it more often than I remember all of it. And it would make me feel better if he stayed.”

Dr Grey tapped her chin for a moment then nodded. “We’re going to have to fill out a couple confidentiality forms, if you add him to the list of people I’m allowed to speak with then it should be all right. So long as we have your written permission.”

Felix nodded. “Okay”

It took him a little while to fill out all the forms, then Dr Grey reviewed them before slipping them into a file and taking out a notepad. “Please don’t mind my note taking. I know it can be intimidating but it’s for my own record. It helps me keep your file straight when I have to come back to it. Is that alright with you?”

“Yeah.. yeah you can write things down.” Felix nodded, he had no real idea what to do with this very, very cheerful woman sitting across from him.

“How about you start with the incident? Phyllis told me a little and I did see the video clip, but how about you tell me what you remember while sitting here in a safe environment?”

\---

It took over an hour for Felix to describe what had happened and the after-effects he had been dealing with. Dr Grey asked very thorough questions and took note of his answers. Locus held his hand as he walked through the situation again. While he’d been very resistant to talking to Price Grey had a sort of understanding to her behaviour that made it easier to actually want to talk to her.

“I thought PTSD was like… something only soldiers got.” Felix shifted his knees up to his chest as she shared her diagnosis.

“That’s a fairly common thought. While it is very common in soldiers and veterans, it’s not exclusive. It’s in the name, really. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It’s the problems, stresses and anxieties, that come after a trauma. What you went through was extremely traumatic, nobody--” She paused and pursed her lips. “Nobody, with properly functional moral awareness, would deny that. That you’re still dealing with it now isn’t unheard of. There are entire groups dedicated to Sexual Assault related PTSD. You don’t seem very open to sharing with others or I would recommend one of the groups to you. Group therapy can be very effective.”

Felix nodded, and appreciated he wasn’t just going to be hoisted on a whole group of strangers to try and deal with.

“I am going to refer you to something we call Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT. It’s proven to be the most effective for treating PTSD, it’s usually a 12 week course, and it’ll be run out of the hospital. I believe there’s a weekend course for minors starting up, but it might not be for a few weeks, so I’m also going to be referring you to a private psychologist in the meantime, they’ll hopefully give you some coping mechanisms. It can be a little overwhelming at first, but therapy has proven to be very effective in recovery.” She tore out a paper from her notepad and began writing out the plans on it.

“You’re not prescribing me anything? I thought… doctors were all about pills or… something.” Felix made a face. He didn’t really _want_ to be prescribed something, but that’s what everyone always said. People were always over medicated or something, right?

“We really don’t like prescribing anything in this vein for minors. And even in adults we like to try therapy first. If CBT doesn’t seem to be effective or helpful, we’ll talk again about maybe starting an antidepressant. But for now that’s not on the table, all right?” Dr Grey finished writing out her plan and handed it to Felix. It outlined the therapy he was going to be trying, and a few emergency numbers he could call. “It might be a little while until you get in to see a psychologist, or the CBT program, but these numbers will take you to different help lines. You can treat these as a therapist in an emergency, all right? They’re both 24 hour, so if at any point you need to talk to someone don’t hesitate to call. They can be completely anonymous, too, so you don’t have to worry about someone knowing who you are, okay?”

“Okay…” Felix looked at the paper a little and nodded.

“I think that’s everything for now, you should get a letter about CBT soon, and I’ll get in contact with Phyllis when I set up your first Psychologist appointment, okay?”

“Okay.” It all felt… kind of overwhelming. But Felix couldn’t just ignore it or not deal with it anymore. He needed help, and he couldn’t just force his problems onto Locus. This was the kind of help he was supposed to be getting.

“Now, I’m going to have a quick chat with Phyllis, and that Mr Hargrove. Not about anything we’ve said in private don’t worry, but solitary confinement as a punishment for minors is an extremely troubling idea and I’d really like to bring it up as a general concept. Though I’ll also provide you a note for that because absolutely you should not be put into purposefully triggering situations, so you’ll be excused from that if I have to come back here and tell your teachers myself.” Grey laughed a little and wrote out a second note quickly that said just that, Felix had a doctor’s note to keep him out of suspension.

“Oh.”

“Now! Don’t take that to mean you can cause all sort of trouble.” She laughed and winked. “Just because your teachers can’t punish you.”

“I’ll be good.” Felix muttered, still a little bewildered. Locus only snorted a little bit so Felix only elbowed him softly.

“Good! Take care Felix, here’s my card if anything should come up. I’m going to schedule us a follow up appointment part way through your CBT to see how it’s working and if we need to change anything. That’ll depend on when your CBT is so I’ll get in contact with Phyllis and let her know when I’ve scheduled the appointment, okay?”

Felix nodded again. Grey was a very big personality, it was almost dizzying trying to keep up. But she seemed to actually know what she was talking about. So that was… comforting.

With a final goodbye she got up and headed out the door to turn that personality on Hargrove.

“So this is a good step forward.” Locus murmured in his ear.

“Yeah… it’s a lot.” Felix folded the papers and stared at the door. “I don’t know what to do now, though…”

“How much sleep did you get last night?” Locus stroked his hair soothingly.

“None…”

“Then maybe a nap while they deal with adult things?”

“That sounds good.”

It was strange being in a position to count on adults to handle something, but Phyllis was good, and Grey was her friend, and seemed like a pretty decent person too. If a little weird. Though maybe Felix didn’t have any right to pass judgement.

\---

“I’ve never had a substitute principal before.” Anthony drawled as he picked at his fries.

“Have you ever had a principal piss off Phyllis before?” Felix replied with just a hint of a smirk.

“Surprised he’s just under review and not in a damn body bag.” Kaylee snorted and leaned back in her chair.

“It was impressive.” Locus admitted dryly without looking up from his notes. Even if most things were sorted, Locus’ grades could always need improving. At least in his eyes.

“So how fucked do you think he is.” Kaylee poked her salad with her fork.

“Uh, given how many students didn’t come back from break?” Anthony snorted. “All the way fucked.”

“Here’s to hoping he never comes back.” Felix tipped his milk carton in a mocking cheers then sipped from it. “And not just because wow he’s gonna be pissed at me.”

“He _is_ that petty. But all things considered it doesn’t look like you’ll have to worry about it.” Kaylee shrugged a little.

“Even if he does come back the school board’ll be keepin’ tighter watch on him.” Abbey pointed out. “If he tries something, especially with you, he'll _definitely_ get canned.”

“Yay more eyes on me.” Felix sighed, and leaned to read Locus’ notes over his shoulder. “Take a break, nerd. You don’t need to be studying right now. I know for a fact you don’t have any exams this week.”

Locus sighed and put his notebook down. “True… I just… want to make sure I get it.”

“You do. They still don’t give out grades over 100%. Eat your sandwich.” Felix reached over and stole his notebook. “You’re smart and you study every second you’re not sleeping. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

Locus protested the loss of his notebook, but sighed and turned to his lunch.

“God I do not look forward to seeing what you turn into come finals.” Abbey giggled. “If you’re already studying this hard.”

“Ugh don’t remind him.” Felix rolled his eyes. “I don’t think we’ll see him for most of June. We’ll lose him to the library and his precious cue cards.”

“It is an effective memorisation strategy.” Locus said defensively.

“I know buddy. And you’ll do great. So long as you don’t have a breakdown halfway through June. Remember to relax.” Felix leaned against him and and smiled as Locus gave him a disgruntled look. “You haven’t even learned everything you need to learn, leave some room for that.”

“I’ll relax. Fine. What do you want?” Locus sighed.

“Anthony you still got your cards?” Felix grinned brightly as Anthony nodded. “Then after school we’re all taking a break and playing cards. We’ve earned it.”


	21. A Hopeful Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second year draws to a close

Card game night became a weekly Friday event. They took over a small study room in the library and just had some fun to forget the stresses of schoolwork. Sometimes Desmond and Terence would join them, even Zachary made time to come play a little every now and then. He stayed true to his word about letting Felix take the initiative when it came to sex, and never asked. But still stayed Felix’s friend, which was… not something Felix really expected, but he still appreciated it.

Zachary also had a knack for sneaking food basically anywhere. Felix still wasn’t entirely sure where he got it all because he knew for a fact that Skittles were the sort of refined sugar that wasn’t permitted on Charon campus. And yet. 

“In another life I was totally a smuggler.” Zachary grinned and passed the bags around so everyone had candies. “Like the cool kind, from a movie. Not historically realistic smugglers. I was definitely still suave and cool and shit.”

“Oh definitely.” Felix snorted and tore his bag open. “You do have an impressive skill though.”

“Yup. I make my spending money with illicit candy bars. It’s great. Poor asshole last year though. Bought a whole bunch of red bull just to end up getting it confiscated just ‘cause he couldn’t hide it?” Zachary clicked his tongue and leaned back in his chair. “No refunds though man, not my fault he lost it.”

Locus chuckled softly, and sorted the cards in his hands. “How do you get all of this stuff?”

“I got a man on the outside.” Zachary said with a sly grin.

“Your big brother, right?” Felix raised an eyebrow and Zachary wrinkled his nose.

“Don’t give away my secrets, man. Whatever it’s still impressive we got a good system.” Zachary shook his head and rolled his eyes.

“Can you get gummy works? Like the real ones with the sour sugar or whatever?” Anthony asked as he lay a prompt card and everyone set to work finding the best response.

“Absolutely. I’ll add that to the list.” Zachary winked and threw in his card.

“Can you get those little bottles of energy drinks? Like those super concentrated ones?” Felix grinned.

“Felix you need anything but more energy.” Locus said dryly.

 

“Shut up, zombie, I’m trying to hook you up.” Felix stuck out his tongue. “Like you wouldn’t like the ability to be awake for finals.”

Locus made a face, but remained silent. He did not disagree with that idea.

“Energy drinks are popular around finals, but I’ll get you guys some.” Zachary laughed. “Friend discount and everything.”

“You’re the best.”

“I know.”

Abbey won the round again cackling, it turned out nipple blades were making life difficult at the nudist colony.

\---

“How am I losing weight again?” Felix scowled and looked at himself. “I’m still eating. I shouldn’t lose weight if I’m eating.”

“You’re still not eating nearly as much most people our age do.” Locus shrugged a little. “And you’ve been going to the school’s gym a lot lately.”

“Yeah but that’s like…” Felix scowled and slumped onto his bed. “I thought like muscle weighs more than fat or something? And I dunno I wanna be strong or something. So I gotta go to the gym to do that. You go to the gym all the time and you’re like… I dunno a tree or something.”

“I… also eat about twice as much as you do. Still.” Locus leaned back in his chair and looked over at Felix. There wasn’t really a noticeable difference, save a bit more muscle definition. Felix had always done his best to be strong even when he barely had enough calories in his system to get him through the day. 

He looked a lot healthier now but his pants were sitting loose on his hips. Locus wasn’t thinking about that.

“Ugh.” Felix made a disgusted noise. “If I’m working out more shouldn’t I get more hungry? This is so annoying. I mean it’s what all the movies and magazines say people want but like… stability, maybe, would be nice?”

Locus knew a few people whose sympathy level for the problem of ‘can’t stop losing weight’ would be extremely low, but Felix was still struggling with maintaining healthy body weight. He was eating, but his diet was… selective.

“You’re probably not eating enough protein? Especially if you’re trying to build muscle?” Locus had read through a lot of books and magazines when he’d decided to get fit and get control over his body. Now he was trying to remember the diet techniques. The diet techniques that weren’t about losing fat. That was the opposite of the problem at hand. “That’s supposed to become muscle I think…”

“So like meats…” Felix made a face. “Meat is never the most appealing once it gets here… There’s just something… _off_ about it.”

Locus couldn’t really disagree with that. “I think it’s the reheating. I think chicken is one of the only meat products that reheats in anything resembling an appealing way.”

“I’ll try eating more. Or try… chicken at least maybe?” Felix huffed a sigh. “This is such a weird problem, right? Like how is this a problem?”

“I mean… people who are used to having an unhealthy body weight usually have trouble putting weight back on… Though with you it seems mostly to be that you have trouble liking food.” Locus tapped his lip with his pen and considered. “Maybe see if Zachary will smuggle you in some protein bars? Those might be what you need now. And it will be slightly more appealing than cafeteria meat products?”

“That could work. Is that what dudes use to get buff?” Felix flexed, and in reality he did have decent muscles… for his size. Which was in question at the moment. 

“I think the usual is protein shakes but we have a certain lack of… blender.” Locus shrugged a little. “Maybe we’ll be able to have one if Hargrove gets sacked. Having food in the dorms was handy.”

“Plus then you can start drinking your death coffee again.” Felix grinned. “Maybe we’ll get Kaylee or Abbey or someone with parents to write the school board? Like especially since we’re locked in here during the evening. No one goes to sleep at eight. We totally need food in here.”

Locus nodded absently. “Someone’s parents could probably convince them.”

\---

Felix was reading off questions Locus had written out on cue cards and quizzing him for his upcoming Psychology exam. He didn’t think Locus needed much more studying since he’d only stumbled on one question so far, but it was fun trying to help him along anyway. 

“Did you hear?” Anthony leaned in the doorway, looking amused.

“Hear what?” Felix rolled over so he wasn’t lying upside down off the bed anymore.

“Hargrove is now, officially, fired.” 

“ _Nice_.” Felix grinned. “Hopefully his replacement isn’t a total shitbag too.”

“I’d ask if anyone could be worse but that seems like it would be giving the universe a challenge.” Anthony wrinkled his nose. “Maybe we’ll at least get lucky enough to get the ability to express individuality back?”

“Ooo, that would be a nice one.”

Anthony had been forced to cut his hair off too, and he ran his hair over the tightly shaved curls with a discontented look. 

“Maybe have your parents write a letter?” Locus leaned on the back of his chair to look at Anthony. “While things are still in flux. If they get enough letters they might make actual good changes.”

“Yeah, not back to what we were before, but still not this.” Anthony rolled his eyes. “No offense Street Fighter, but I _do_ kind of like getting to classes without dodging brawls in the hallways.”

“None taken, I’m trying to avoid fights anyway, so if they keep a tight leash on that but let go all the other bullshit that’d be nice. Like hey maybe dyed hair isn’t what’s causing the problem? Maybe that’s not what needs to get dealt with.” Felix rolled his eyes then rolled to sit up properly.

“We already wear uniforms, right?” Anthony rolled his eyes. “Oh, maybe they’ll let us use technology so we’re not all decades behind our peers when we graduate.”

Locus paled a little bit. “Our entire generation is going to be infinitely better with technology than we are. Everyone we’re competing with will already have a natural capability with machines… I’ve never owned a cellphone.”

Felix winced and pushed off the bed. “We figured out laptops quick enough. Next year you can take a computer course? And maybe Anthony’ll be right and we’ll actually be allowed to use tech with the new principal.”

Anthony cringed as he watched the dread creep over Locus’ features. “I will definitely get my parents to write a letter. And Abbie can get hers to write a letter too. Abbie’s dad’s a lawyer he could probably argue that point.”

Locus was still lost in the realisation that as good as his grades were he didn’t have the technical knowledge that was expected with their generation.

“We’ll get you a cellphone over summer. I’m sure you’ll figure out everything you need to know about it before July’s up.” Felix stroked Locus’ hair soothingly. “Tech can be learned. Old people learn tech and old people have trouble with calendars. Breathe zombie, breathe.”

Locus groaned and covered his face in his hands. “I didn’t even think of that before… computers have always been useless here.”

Anthony nodded. “Yeah it’s hard to care about the censored box with internet slowed to a crawl. Maybe we can get a few people to talk to their parents and get them to write letters. Get school wifi or something. Colleges have wifi, right?”

Felix shrugged. “It’s worth a shot. Don’t worry we’ll figure it out before it becomes important.”

Locus nodded slowly. 

“That is a really stupid flaw in our system that I never realised before though. Damn. Who thought that was a good idea?” Felix made a face.

“Old people who think technology is evil.” Anthony stated blandly. “Internet is bad, smartphones are ruining our kids, whatever happened to the good old days, you know the same old bullshit.”

“Ugh.” Felix made a disgusted noise. “Figures old people were the ones fucking everything up.”

“I’ll go talk to people who know people and see if we can get things changed in our favour while they’re in flux. Uh… try not to panic?” Anthony cringed as Locus slowly lay his head on the desk. “Wow. Yeah. Definitely going to go.”

Felix rolled his eyes and waved him off, then went back to rubbing Locus’ back soothingly. “See? We’ll figure it out. Breathe. Or take a nap. C’mon, into the bed, it’s stressnap time.” 

Felix pulled Locus out of his chair and moved him into his bed, laying him out and curling up beside him. He pulled up the covers and leaned his head on Locus’ shoulder. 

“We’ll figure it out.” He whispered gently. “It’s gonna be okay.”

“Okay…” Locus nodded. Then shifted to wrap an arm around Felix. “Sorry I just…”

“You panicked. It’s fair. Now we move on to the handling it step.” Felix patted Locus’ chest lightly. “We’ll handle it.”

\---

“We need to figure out a plan for this summer.” Locus sat down across from Felix on his bed. He looked serious and probably because there were only a couple weeks left of school. He’d been studying hard, it would definitely be good to get him away from the library for two months.

“Right.” Felix chewed his lip. “I do have to go home at least a little at some point? Don’t look at me like that. I _need_ my birth certificate, and shit. I can book us a hotel again if I stop by and use her card… Plus if I have my papers I can get ID, if I have ID I can open a bank account. I’m not just being stubborn. This is the last summer I have to prepare. I don’t wanna have to go back after we graduate.”

Locus sighed and considered that before nodding. “Okay. I know where you live now, so after I get placed into my temp home I’ll come get you.” Felix made a face at the idea. “No I’m coming to get you. As soon as I can. If you don’t have anything organised by then I’ll help. I’m an outside party and… I have noticed I can occasionally be intimidating. We’ll figure something out but you’re not spending most of the summer there again.”

Felix started gnawing on his thumbnail and hummed thoughtfully. “Fine. Fine, okay. But it’s not gonna be easy or whatever. I mean I didn’t piss her off this year so she’ll be less… violent, but still. There’s a good chance she’ll recognise you and not let you in the house.”

“I’m over a foot taller than her.” Locus said dryly. “At this point I really don’t care. You said yourself she can’t call the police to her house. If she tries she knows what we’ll point them to.”

“I know, I know. Okay. If I’m not out right away come get me. I’ll try and book a hotel for like a week into summer, then that’s time to break out, and then… something. I’ll try and get out on my own then she won’t notice something’s up or look at her credit card. I mean she might be drunk enough to just not look anyway, ‘cause like why does _she_ care, she’s not paying it.” Felix made a face. “And maybe I’ll try and find one that’s got a kitchen or something! Like a long stay or whatever hotel. Those exist. We’ll figure it out. I’ll get it done.” 

“We don’t _really_ need a hotel, we can figure out somewhere for you to stay…”

“Not really without explaining to people why, and that opens the whole… she won’t pay for Charon anymore thing. It’s one more year, man. We can do it. Last summer was the best week ever, we can totally do a whole summer like that. It’ll be great.” Felix shrugged and leaned in to kiss Locus’ cheek.

“A hotel for two months would be something like ten thousand dollars, Felix.” Locus sighed, but turned his head to kiss Felix softly.

“You’re seriously underestimating her credit card limit.” Felix made a face. “I know, I know it’s ridiculous. No one should have that kinda money, but I mean with her brother dying last year that actually meant she didn’t have to split with him so now she has more… so, like… we steal it. She won’t notice and I’m part of the family so that means I’m… I mean we can pretend I get part of it. Fuck maybe my grandparents meant for me to have some of it. We got no way of knowing.”

“What do you know about your grandparents?” Locus took Felix’s hand in his and rubbed the back of it with his thumb.

“That… they sent my mother to America ‘cause she got knocked up and they didn’t want her in the public eye. Or whatever.” Felix shrugged a little. “As far as I know I’m the illegitimate bastard child who should be grateful I wasn’t thrown in the garbage as soon as he was born.”

Locus winced, “I take it’s she’s…”

“Yeah she’s mentioned that part a couple times. Not my fault she got knocked up. At least _I_ know how to use a goddamn condom.” Felix rolled his eyes. “Though I mean really how can it be my fault when I literally did not exist at the time? _She_ had sex. I wasn’t even officially a bundle of cells until a while later. According to health class that shit takes time.”

“It’s not your fault what other people do.” Locus kissed his head lightly. “Especially when you didn’t exist at the time.”

“Thank you.” Felix smiled a little. “It kinda makes it easier to steal their money though, knowing they’re awful people.”

“Please don’t get used to stealing their money. You _don’t_ want to go to prison, remember?” Locus smiled and leaned his forehead against Felix’s.

“ _Fine_ , I guess. If it means so much to you.” Felix rolled his eyes but grinned. “We’re gonna have time for lazy days this year. We’ll try everything, but also lie around watching TV all day, too. And try so much food.”

“Why can’t you have that attitude about food the rest of the year.”

“Because it’s not nearly as good here. I like the food we tried over the summer a lot more.”

“Picky…”

\---

The end of the year felt less terrifying this time. There was a plan. It was a little terrifying to see if the plan worked out but… Locus was going to find him.

Felix would make this summer work out. Whatever it took.

“So I’ll see you within a week.” Locus kissed his temple gently as he finished stacking his bags. Once again he was taking some of Felix’s things so it didn’t run the risk of Felix’s mother.

“Within a week.” Felix leaned up to kiss him properly. “We can do it. We don’t have anything to be afraid of this time. I know I’ll see you this summer.”

“We’ll have a good time this summer.” Locus ruffled Felix’s hair affectionately.

“We’ll send off our childhoods in style and all that.” Felix didn’t really want to admit he was babbling to keep Locus there longer. There was _always_ a chance of failure, always. He tried to be confident but he was still going home. He was still going to see his mother. 

The more he got to know what kindness felt like, the more cruelty hurt. It was going to take a little while to get back into the mindset where he could take it. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to.

Hopefully.

“Take care of yourself.” He mumbled as he reached to hug Locus tight one last time before they went.

“You too. I’ll come get you. Just remember that. Focus on that for now.” Locus rubbed his back gently. “If your mind gets lost just remember that. I’m coming for you.”

Felix let out his breath slowly and nodded. “You’re coming. That means I’m safe.”

“I’ll keep you safe.”

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone so much for reading!! You're all amazing and I'm always so happy you decided to read this! I'm gonna take a couple days before I start up the next summer. Just a little break to get my feet back under me. Thank you so much!! You're all so wonderful!!!


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